love, love.

it's true.
realizing my heart is ready to invest in a romantic relationship.
realizing that i'm no longer terrified at the prospect and knowing that i'm ready for the work and blessing at entering into a relationship that possibly could last forever.

because my heart is now steadfast when it comes to the love of the Father, I've learned to trust those around me with the most vulnerable parts of my heart.

so jesus, would you make my heart patient and ready.
would you allow me to hear your Voice of guidance.
would you prepare Him for what will become us, and would you put people in his life to reach his God-given potential.

Available.

I'm slowly deciding that I need to make myself available.
I kind of smirk as I type this, wondering how many of you are wondering that I might mean 'available' regarding romantic relationships.
(Also true, but not the point of this post.)

As I've sat in what feels like No Man's Land, transitioning into adulthood, I've realized that I want need to be more available. I've allowed myself to be somewhat available in the past, but I have also let my own need for security get in the way of larger leaps that Jesus has called me to.

I've chosen the word "follow" as my focus for this year, to allow Jesus to lead.
And it's been in these instances when I've allowed myself to listen, actually listen to my heart and how Jesus is leading, I've realized that I need to become more available.

Available to let my heart be shaped and transformed by Jesus. To allow the work that is being done in me continue.

Ways I want to do that or begin the process of stepping into that:

• Go on a trip to Latin America. I realize that this love that Jesus has given me for my people isn't just because, and I want to drink that in by immersing myself in an extended amount of time learning in a Latino nation.
• Be myself. I hold back a lot of myself. I don't do the really random stuff that makes me me (y'know, like, sing really loudly when a great song comes on, dance in the supermarket or shove an entire cookie in my mouth just 'cause it might make you laugh). I want to do the silly stuff that let's you know who I am, and in the process share all the really deep stuff too.
• Love by taking risks. I'm entering into a place where I want to insert myself into relationships that are risky. I want to love people I wouldn't necessarily choose with a guarded heart, I want to be open (this is where I am talking about romantic relationships as well as friendships).

There's definitely more here. I haven't formulated everything, but this is what's been rolling in my head for a little while. Trust, there will be elaboration.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

 This was penned last night as the quiet of Christmas Day surrounded me.

I got to share with my Mama yesterday how a study on the gospel of Mark (a biography of Jesus) changed my life. And, in a way, saved it.
I shared how wonderful it was to finally look at the Word like a school text. Changing the way I saw it, being able to ask my questions and answering a lot of them. Having a spiritual mentor say that my questions mattered. That it was important for me to see Jesus in a new way.
I learned that an open heart is important in knowing Jesus, but so is the mind; an understanding of who He is to the best of my ability.
I learned, along with 25 of great friends, how intentional Jesus was. How there was intention to every single thing he did. Every word he spoke, every bodily placement, his life is one of service, purpose. Intentionality.
And as Christmas Day ends, I am overwhelmed at how even the circumstances of Jesus' birth were intentional. Let no situation be wasted to declare God's glory, it seems.

Jesus was born to a virgin, immaculate conception. It is highly likely that her entire town eventually got wind of this and judged her as a harlot; deeming Joseph as a fool for not charging her with adultery.
Jesus' birth was foretold hundreds of years before his actual birth. An incredible feat in itself. Details like where he was born, under what conditions and the supernatural things that would be seen described and confirmed with Jesus' birth.
Jesus was born in a manger, and was dressed in swaddling cloths. He was brought into the world surrounded by barn animals, hay probably sticking to his small frame, the smells less than pleasant.

Why?
That's been my question today. Why, Jesus?
His quiet response has been, My love is as deep as my intentionality.

A friend shared with me that Jesus spoke to her that he loves her so much, that he created a new friend to be exactly what she needs. She's been blown away by the intentionality for Jesus to create someone for her.
Similarly, I revel in how intentional God was to have Jesus come down as a man. Yes, I'm amazed that Jesus came down from perfect glory... but the intention of such an act astounds me. It brings me joy to think that I have such an intimate, deep and real relationship with God because Jesus came down. Because the gap between humanity and God was bridged forever through Jesus who was born that night in Bethlehem.

In a way, my Father was born that day. Yes, God is outside of time and space and cannot have a birth-date, but if it weren't for Jesus, I wouldn't know God the way I do.
So I don't just say "Happy Birthday, Jesus" but as I celebrate, I say,
Happy Birthday, Papa.

Hazards of Having a Big Heart

1. You fall in love with people quickly and deeply.
2. You fall in love with places quickly and deeply.
3. You grieve deeply with people you've just met.
4. Your heart breaks when moving away people and places.
5. You want everyone to know how beautifully amazing they are.

Okay, so these aren't all hazards... bear with me. 

When Love is Misunderstood

I had spent just about 14 days in our home. You know, post Fresno. I had spent days living, laughing, and eating at home with my mom and my sister. I had even been able to talk to my eldest sister on the phone. It had been a pretty good time, although I was starting to grow bored at the reality of not doing much of anything at home. No job, no volunteer site, nothing to do while my mom and sister were at work. Nothing to do until about 5pm.
I finally decided to be useful. I decided to clean up the kitchen, the place that we all use, but refuse to clean. I decided to wash up dishes, clean up the counters, sweep the floor. I thought, "What a great way to show my family what I learned in Fresno, about servanthood. They're sure to notice a change and ask about it." I finally felt useful.

My mom walked in and asked, "Haber, Sol, dime lo que quieres hacer." In the tone that implied that I was in trouble. She had asked, "Alright, Sol, tell me what you want to do." I explained that I just wanted to help out, by cleaning. By making a more suitable space for her and my sister since they were at work all day.

I felt like I had overstepped boundaries. The tone my mom used was one that told me that she was not happy. I didn't know what to do, did I choose this as the time to explain that I just wanted to serve her? Did I tell her that I didn't want us to live in the mess we'd created for ourselves over the summer? I wanted to explain that I had learned this past summer more about Jesus' love and what it means to serve people even when I'm tired, and because she's my mom, because this is my family...I wanted to do the same for them.

I didn't do either. I decided to let her assume that I was just doing it 'cause I was bored. Because I didn't want to watch tv anymore. It was an opportunity lost for my family to know a little more about why I do what I do. And now I regret it, I regret not taking the risk and telling her.

And so I wait for another chance to explain. And for her to see my love for her through Jesus.

This is embarassing.

Well, kind of.
The truth is, I'm now in the phase of life where I want to settle down. That's right, I said it.
(This is bound to be one sappy post, so if you're deterred, stop reading. Now.)
I've forever held the want of being in a relationship, of having kids and having the happy family.
Now, I might just notice it more, but man is it there.
See I'm 22, soon to be 23. In 3 months and 28 days.

Seeing two weddings of friends declare, "I do". Makes me cry.
Cry because it's forever-love.

Little kids holding my hand and tugging me to help them find beads or to dance with them, makes my heart melt.

Hearing family and friends slyly introduce me to men who are around my age, "just in case" makes me laugh, yet still wondering when it will be my turn.

And oddly enough, I'm finally learning what it means to be content in singleness.
I know this post is a paradox.
The truth is, I wonder about when I'll finally be able to have the guy, the wedding, the house, the kids...the life I dream of that will come to pass because of the promises God has made to me.

Yet I'm finding this new patience to wait until God brings it to pass.
A contentedness in knowing that it will.
And dancing the night away until I can dance with the man I'm supposed to dance all my dances with.
Yes, I stole that last phrase from Chandler Bing from Friends. :)

haiku, haiku!

So I had different spurts of writing while I was at FUI. Usually on Sundays and after I came back from my site on a weekday. Basically when the apartment was the most quiet and I could hear my thoughts. On this day I decided to write haiku poetry. It's not amazing, but still fun.

These first two are about what God was telling me, and me trying to figure it out.

is the word i love,
from you? show your love to me
'cause my heart is weak.

get out of the boat
take a risk, walk on water
it is worthwhile

about the people in my apt, (both that lived there as well as just at the time):
lissah is cool, yeah!
really fashionable, mmm!
sleeping on the couch.
(hehe :))

monte is funny.
she is honorary mex
and my long-lost twin.

joyce wang, yeahhh boy!
she gets nervous when i stare
and screams when she's scared.

i call krista "cute"
'cause she really is, you know?
she makes awesome greenbeans, too!

julie makes the bread
usually with cheese on top
it is really good.

julie likes hot sauce
and is hardly ever bored
she makes me smile.

shannon is trendy
i am "sol sista" to her
she slides in her socks.

i like zoe's laugh
she and bryson are twinsies
i like bryson too.

i like zoe's laugh
she has grown much in FUI
i am glad she's here.

Canta.

Singing is my vulnerable spot. Probably because I enjoy it (a lot) yet don't feel like my voice holds a candle to the rest of the voices surrounding me.
So when my friend, E said it was finally time to perform this song ("Let That Be Enough" by Switchfoot) outside of his room, for more than five of our closest friends, I said yes. However, I didn't think that Senior Catalyst (InterVarsity's large group gathering put on by the Senior class every year) would be the biggest risk I ever did take in BCF.

That Thursday night was me putting myself out there (I felt the most vulnerable I've ever felt); knowing I wasn't the best singer in our class, that my voice would not be flawless, but deciding to sing anyway.

Singing because I have a story to tell.

A story of redemption- singing with the man that has challenged my mind and caused me to check the motives of my heart. Not to mention that he aggressively encouraged me (for about a year) to do this song. I could not have done it without him. I have learned to much of God's love through him, and learning what it means to live in the constant want of letting God's love be enough for me.
A story of grief- the first time I heard this song was five days after my stepfather passed away, liking this song, and having the melody and the line, "I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land," stuck in my head for a long time after initially hearing it.
A story of healing-a year after, seeing the ways God has been doing a healing work in me. Shattering guilt, shame and reminding me that I am His. That his love is constant, no matter what I fail to do and no matter how I mess up.
My story- it has become a story of dependence on Jesus. Learning more and more what it means to follow him in the moments when I don't know what comes next, the moments when I'm tired, the moments when I think he doesn't know what he's doing.

My life and my story has become this song, and may that be enough.


Amen.

lovable.

i still have a difficult time receiving love. not being open when friends and family want to serve me, learning the hard way that they're doing it because they love me.


this is an interesting reality to live in.
living in the constant, want, need to be loved, yet not knowing how to receive that when it is shown to me.
the words, "i'm not going anywhere" are powerful.
too often not spoken, my heart often questioning how long friendships will last and why.
what do i have to offer you?

when L and P called me and said, we want to get you food, my first thought was, "why?"
my heart doubted the goodness of a free delivered meal.
(it was delicious too.)
i love these two dearly, i know their hearts, yet i doubted.

how many times have i doubted You?
i know Your heart, i know that you love me, yet when perfect and good things are presented to me,
i doubt.
i believe you will still give me a stone instead of bread, that my heart will continue to be broken time and time again.

"you are lovable. i guess you've questioned that before."
as i resisted hug after hug from a new friend made in St. Louis, these words were spoken to me.
i stopped.
yes, i question that just about every day.
the scars of the men in my life who didn't see me as lovable haven't faded.
i don't see lovable when i look in the mirror, don't feel particularly lovable when i walk down to campus.
yet, there it was.
said to me point blank so i had to hear it.

i often wonder how long it will take for my heart to see, hear, and taste the goodness of the love You shower upon me every single day through my friends, my family.

as i sat by the ocean, you said, "let go."

and Dad, although it's taken me a while to get here,
i think i'm there.

ready to walk away and not be bitter, not be resentful.
i understand why you blessed me with him,
why we're such good friends and the amazing
redemption
that i've received as i've seen more of his soul.
more of mine.

the more i look into his face
into his character,
i see You.

i see the ways he strives to please you,
love you,
honor You.

he's pledged his life to you,
and Daddy,
that's a beautiful thing.

his heart is beautiful,
the way he cares for me
the way he loves his family
although it's difficult,
there's been disappointment

i see the way he's following You,
following You to the cross day after day
praising You along the way
praying that you'll make his heart
more and more like yours.

it is.
every day.

a man of my own.

i visited A and all i wanted to do was take care of him.
you know, the way a girlfriend would.
to hold his hand to reassure him i was there,
to kiss the top of his head when i said goodbye.
no, friends, i am not falling for A.
my heart is still in that place where it's been for a little over a year (wow).

i'm paying attention to my heart,
the ways it wants to open itself up to the possibilities of being vulnerable and honest to the end of being known.
valued.
loved.

i am learning the kind of man i want.
a man who will ask me a bunch of questions,
'cause most of the time i don't know how much to say.
he'll laugh at all my stupid and sometimes witty jokes,
'cause i like being reassured that i'm somewhat funny.
he'll know how to read me. know how far to push when i get quiet.
'cause sometimes i pretend everything's fine when i really want you to ask "what's wrong?"
be able to read from my smile that's it's the polite one instead of the one that reaches my eyes.
know that when i say, "i like that shirt" it means "i like you in that shirt."
learning the areas of my life i don't like to touch 'cause i get emotional,
but will still ask in case i need to talk about it.
a man that will call me out of whatever funk i'm in 'cause days are better when i smile.
even weakly.

i want to be in that place where i can trust that man.
fully knowing that he's there to challenge and protect me.
'cause he loves me.

my heart feels ready.
ready to dare, ready to risk.
ready to love.
completely and fully.

the way i've already been loved.
by You.

thoughts on loving you.

i wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed together.
i wonder who you're with now
and if they love you as much as i do.

i worry about you,
whether you're being taken care of,
whether you're being loved the way you deserve.

i worry 'cause i believe
that no one can love you the way i do
the way i want to

and then i remember that it's not up to me,
you made that choice
and frankly,
i trust whatever God is trying to do in you
in me.

while i wait until you're reappearing
or whether i'll have to wonder
(deep breath)
always.

the flip side is that i feel i shouldn't.
you know?
(okay, maybe you really don't)
but after all this pain and genuine
absence from you

i feel like i shouldn't have these thoughts
at all.

may the Lord redeem you the way he's already
redeemed me
so that you know you deserve that kind of love

and not just from me.

i lied.

i said the reason i was leaving was because i had work in the morning and i wanted to sleep.
not entirely true.

i do have work in the morning, and sundays are the most difficult mornings to wake up,
but there's also... this.

my heart feels like weeping.

there are so many things that are overwhelming yet still unexplicable today.
like me going back to the familiar and unhealthy regarding me. regarding you.
feeling the sense of loss, having it penetrate dreams that wake me unrested and without peace.
wondering and sincerely hoping that they won't come to pass.
i really want peace.

'cause the when i am embraced by You through friends and loved ones...i wish they wouldn't end.
i wish that tonight you would all stay in that room as i fall asleep... to scare the dreams away and that i would be with you in that room, in this time and place forever.
'cause i'm more scared about what comes next than i care to admit, and i'm hoping that the promises from You and my family both here and back home aren't just empty promises.

i need these to be more real than what we've already shared.
than what i've already given you.

and that's why i'm typing all of this, letting brooke fraser's "love is waiting" wash over me yet again,
so that i can remember that tonight, and tomorrow when i wake up...
love is waiting.

dancing through life.

i like dancing.
correction, i love to dance.
it gets incorporated into a lot of facets of my life
walking to class,
dance parties when i'm alone in my room,
randomly as i'm standing in someone's living room
...
dance is a part of me.

i wiggled a lot right after i was born.
nurses couldn't really explain it,
i was born four months early
(yay for preemies)
and they expected me to be still,
moving only when i needed something.
and yet i was wiggling like no other
while laying in the NICU.

one of the nurses mentioned it to my folks,
my dad replied, "she's worshipping God."

as i've grown, i still dance.
always.
the best part of high school was dance class.
finding my voice through movement,
through song.

and as i finally think back to those weeks
after emerging from the womb.
it resonates, clicks.
i am a dancer.

perhaps not a professional one,
or a decent one at ballet,
but my body and soul are complete
as i dance for my Savior.
all the day long.

this is rare.

it is rare when i let myself re-enter childhood.
no, not the parts of my childhood where i reveled in running through the sprinklers with my sisters, planting roses with Mom, or making a mess in the kitchen with my aunt.

the part when dad would re-enter the family, cook up a storm, pretend everything was okay as my sisters and i looked at each other confused, how do we play the part of daddy's girls?

we watched the news over dinner. we should be just as informed as daddy, sitting there wanting to share the sticker i got for reading well at school today, the spelling test i aced, or the fact that i was chasing a boy around during recess. his eyes stayed on the screen.

we played with our dog. the dog who seemed to listen to everything we said and got defensive when this stranger would enter our home. dad would eventually get annoyed at his protectiveness and kick him. dad couldn't understand our love for that pup.

i always got nervous after our hugs and kisses good night to daddy. i was always afraid of leaving him alone with mom. soon after we made it up to bed, my sisters and i cracked the door open to hear what they were arguing about next, what dad was throwing across the room, listening for the sounds of skin hitting skin... waiting if we needed to make an appearance.

waiting for night to end and the pretense of another day to begin.

i've been wrestling with the parts of myself i don't want to engage with. the parts that are messy, wounded, upset, healing (still). the parts of me that do not believe that complete healing is possible. that freedom is too elusive.

this time i choose to engage.
thanks, A for pushing me on this night.
thank you Jesus for sitting with me.

Love is Waiting.

A song by Brooke Fraser.

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

Love is waiting.

"I'm excited to date!" This is literally what I told my friend, E.
I think back on that moment and I'm slightly embarrassed. Yet the growing smile on my face is because I actually am really excited.

Something's coming. I can feel it.
I mean, a lot of things are. I'm transitioning out of college, learning what it means to be a good mentor and friend, struggling through insecurity and constant need for attention...
but this lingering feeling that I finally hit the cusp of something amazing...
that's there too.

You see, I've never been excited to date. To get to know another person to learn more about each other, about God and see if we're supposed to be in each other's lives forever as man and wife.
I am ready to trust, learn, serve and listen to what God has in this area. To do the same for a man that wants to do the same for me.

Through my friendships I've learned that the men and women in my life point and show me what God sees in me, the beauty within the mess, the leader when i feel small, the breathtaking view among the broken.
And I can't wait to reflect back to my friend and significant other just how much they are loved by the Father.

That's why I'm excited. 'Cause if the guys in my life right now are any indication of what's waiting, then there's some amazing potential out there.

you know that feeling?

that feeling where you finally get to tell that person everything you've been wanting to say?

that was saturday. Brother's Appreciation Night.

i knew that it'd be difficult to share the ways these men i call brothers mean to me, everything they've done for me and the rest of the women in our fellowship.
and by God's grace, it all came out.
i was able to share my story of redemption, love and the acceptance of my own beauty through these men.
God's grace has been able to rain down on me through the beautiful, amazing, crazy brothers i have in Christ.

and although we still struggle with not knowing what to say, having boundaries, and continuing to learn what it means to be vulnerable in order to have authentic relationships, i wouldn't trade this journey with them for another.

not solely because they make me laugh, hold my hand while i cry, or bring me medicine when i'm sick.
but because they are Jesus in so many shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, senses of humor and heights. they are the ones that reflect back to me so many things that i am always insecure of.
reminding me that i am fully loved, whether or not i make a joke that is worth laughing at, singing badly, or messed something up royally.

they love me just the same.
and because of that reflection of jesus' love...

i love my brothers.

things i want for my life.

do i love you enough?

"Do you love me enough to let me go?"

do i?
I was listening to Switchfoot's Hello Hurricane album, the song "Enough To Let Me Go", and I thought of you.

i keep thinking about where we're at, how much i've learned from you, and how much our friendship has allowed God to affirm me and see more of him in you.

now that we're in a new place the question comes up, do i love you enough to let you go?
i know you're not going anywhere.
i know our friendship is strong; rooted in Jesus, trust in one another, and the reality of our brokenness.
and i know that God is good and has my best interests in mind.
there's great comfort in these.

see the problem is that i trust you and i trust me.
do i trust God and his plan for me?
not necessarily, especially since i can't see it.

fall quarter i felt the Lord asking me to let go, but i wasn't feeling it. i didn't want to.
now i see it, i see the ways in which letting go was protection, a whisper of guidance in love for me.
this whole process has been me learning how to have a process of learning how to trust men; men who have typically hurt me in the past.

i praise the Lord for his mercy, patience and immense grace in freeing me from my emotional dependence on a man. i praise him that i can share and live life with men in order to create a full picture of the image of God (see Genesis).

at this point, you're probably thinking back to my initial question, "do i love you enough to let you go?"
the answer, yes. it will be hard, and some days will be more difficult than others, but i love you so much that i can't wait to see the happiness that the Lord has for you in seeing more of Him. in whatever form it comes.