i hate to say that i've lived most of my life in fear. miedo.
as a little girl, fear of monsters under my bed.
fear of when daddy came home, not knowing whether he'd be happy or angry in the next minute.
fear of waking up to a crying mama.
fear at not knowing how to console her.
in school, fear of not being wanted and accepted.
fear at failing at something once i had impressed someone.
fear that dad would come back and break the rhythm our household of women had created.
in high school and college, fear of boys.
fear of being loved, fear of being known and judged.
fear of having to share everything. todo.
now, some of the fears have remained. others have gone away, and new ones have surfaced.
today, i fear wanting to be known.
the want that is so insatiable. i crave for it, yet i fear risking my heart again.
i want to have deep, solid relationships.
for my hands to be held, for long abrazos from friends who feel like family.
to share laughter and culture over a meal.
i fear my values and passions being different and not understood.
questions not be asked, the depth of who i am not be sought.
tengo miedo.
i'm scared.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Burnt Tortillas
I made tacos for lunch today. :)
If you know me at all, you know that tacos take the cake when it comes to any food. They're delicious, and simple to make.
It was nice to have a quiet apartment, be able to wake up late, lay in bed for a while and hear the sounds of the day. It was even better to walk into the kitchen and begin making lunch. Begin heating meat, cutting chiles to make my Mama's salsa borracha (translates to "drunk salsa").
I added onions, tomatoes, cut up some chiles, accidentally rubbed my eye and then cried a little bit, and finally added lemon and salt. It was pretty yummy.
After making sure everything was ready, I heated tortillas. This is probably my favorite part. I love watching the texture of tortillas change, them bubble as they heat up, and begin to brown a bit as they begin to cook.
Yes, sometimes I burn tortillas.
And yes, sometimes it's on purpose.
Burnt, crispy tortillas remind me of my Grandpa.
It takes me back to a time before sixth grade when he passed away, a time when we'd have barbecues what felt like once a month, and I'd help him stoke the grill.
He taught me that to have flames come up from the charcoal, you had to fan it and add a little bit of lighter fluid (don't worry, I wasn't allowed to help with that).
So as I watched mi abuelito, I would ask if I could have a turn fanning the fire with his Stetson as I had watched him week after week.
I remember that smile as he'd admit that he was tired and watch me fan the flames.
The fire would eventually be where it needed to be, weenies, onions, chicken, beef... they got cooked on the grill. Frijoles, corn, and some tortillas would come from inside. Don't forget the salsa! :)
However, my very favorite part of our barbecues was the very end. When everybody would exclaim that they were full, and begin clearing the table. We'd put stuff away, put what needed to go in the fridge where it needed to, our madrina (godmother) would pack us food to take home (the famous "To-Go Plate")... and while all that was happening, somebody would be heating tortillas.
Heating tortillas because even though we were all super full, we couldn't let the last of the fire go to waste. We'd heat tortillas and pass them around, making everyone eat at least one. And more often than not, the tortillas were on the crispy side; burnt a little, just the way I like 'em.
If you know me at all, you know that tacos take the cake when it comes to any food. They're delicious, and simple to make.
It was nice to have a quiet apartment, be able to wake up late, lay in bed for a while and hear the sounds of the day. It was even better to walk into the kitchen and begin making lunch. Begin heating meat, cutting chiles to make my Mama's salsa borracha (translates to "drunk salsa").
I added onions, tomatoes, cut up some chiles, accidentally rubbed my eye and then cried a little bit, and finally added lemon and salt. It was pretty yummy.
After making sure everything was ready, I heated tortillas. This is probably my favorite part. I love watching the texture of tortillas change, them bubble as they heat up, and begin to brown a bit as they begin to cook.
Yes, sometimes I burn tortillas.
And yes, sometimes it's on purpose.
Burnt, crispy tortillas remind me of my Grandpa.
It takes me back to a time before sixth grade when he passed away, a time when we'd have barbecues what felt like once a month, and I'd help him stoke the grill.
He taught me that to have flames come up from the charcoal, you had to fan it and add a little bit of lighter fluid (don't worry, I wasn't allowed to help with that).
So as I watched mi abuelito, I would ask if I could have a turn fanning the fire with his Stetson as I had watched him week after week.
I remember that smile as he'd admit that he was tired and watch me fan the flames.
The fire would eventually be where it needed to be, weenies, onions, chicken, beef... they got cooked on the grill. Frijoles, corn, and some tortillas would come from inside. Don't forget the salsa! :)
However, my very favorite part of our barbecues was the very end. When everybody would exclaim that they were full, and begin clearing the table. We'd put stuff away, put what needed to go in the fridge where it needed to, our madrina (godmother) would pack us food to take home (the famous "To-Go Plate")... and while all that was happening, somebody would be heating tortillas.
Heating tortillas because even though we were all super full, we couldn't let the last of the fire go to waste. We'd heat tortillas and pass them around, making everyone eat at least one. And more often than not, the tortillas were on the crispy side; burnt a little, just the way I like 'em.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Joyful December.
I'll jump right in.
My friend, Sarah Markley had an amazing idea. She has decided to spend the month of December finding 100 ways that she finds joy. The small, the sorrowful, what can look ordinary yet bring loads of joy.
100 Joys.
I have decided to join her.
I'll be spending the month of December intentionally looking and writing about things that bring me joy. :)
So here it goes, 100 ways I find joy.
Sarah started December 1st, but I start today.
Thursday.
I spent my morning on the train. I boarded an Amtrak bus at 0625, and was able to board my train to Fresno, CA around 1030. I don't have morning classes, and so usually miss the emerging of the sun into the sky. However, I was awestruck as to how beautiful mornings are. Amazed at how new the day is, and how amazing it is to witness light enter the sky. It reminded me of hope, how there is hope to be seen every morning [1].
I arrived in Fresno, and was met by two amazing individuals who spent a part of their day showing me Fresno City College and Fresno State so that I might make an informed decision if I believe I am being led to InterVarsity staff. I spent the day hearing about InterVarsity's long legacy in Fresno, and how it has changed over the years. I found myself laughing easily while spending time with Rob and Layla, feeling comfortable to share my story with them.
Later, was the most anticipated moment. Seeing the Minturns. This family is a strong reason why I feel so grounded in Fresno. This family has seen me since my first day in Fresno back in 2008, when I was highly insecure yet excited to see what God was doing in the city and in me. Todd was actually the first person who had more than a two sentence conversation with me that day.
And as I expected, as I saw them, they hugged me and welcomed me as I knew they would. Seeing Todd, Carrie and the boys is always wonderful, but this felt like coming home.
It felt normal.
Dinner, playing with the kiddos, catching up on life and talking about what the future could look like... family.
Two minutes after entering the door, my hand was taken by a hand much smaller than mine, to see the Christmas tree, and the candy cane lights that had just been put up. :)
However, my favorite part was watching Todd read to the boys. He was reading Pete the Cat ...the book has a song integrated to it, to which the boys giggle hysterically. Hearing them giggle and seeing their joy... priceless [2].
I loved that Todd decided to sit me down on the couch and ask me open-ended questions so that I could process what had happened since I arrived on the train (the day had been FULL). I love that Carrie sat down and listened as prepared for Advent. Again, it felt normal [3].
Friday.
Breakfast. I've never been too much of a breakfast person, but I wanted to make use of my time with the Minturns. Oatmeal, frozen Gogurt, orange juice. A grumpy 4 year old. Family. :)
I drove around with Todd, to get myself re-acclimated with Fresno. He showed me the most amazing thing. Christmas Tree Lane! It's an 88 year tradition, where an entire street, for blocks on end, decorate their houses for folks to drive (or walk) by to celebrate Christmas. They even have a radio station that you can tune into as you drive through it! The decorations were amazing, I couldn't believe half of them, they were epic.
(Seriously, Google it.)
Later, I got to talk to the Executive Director from FIFUL to just share more of what I'm thinking, feeling, answer my questions. I continue to be amazed at how much people care. They're praying, emailing me, texting me to make sure I know they've got my back [4].
As I had lunch with Carrie, I realized how wonderful it is to be able to share life with Carrie. To learn from her life, share her story and be spoken Truth by her...wonderful.
It has also been incredible to watch her family. To watch the way Todd and Carrie love their boys, how completely they love them, it's hopeful. Hopeful to know that although a family story like mine is common, it's not the only one out there. And although I've only been here for slightly longer than 24 hours, parts of my heart are healing just by watching them be a family [5].
My friend, Sarah Markley had an amazing idea. She has decided to spend the month of December finding 100 ways that she finds joy. The small, the sorrowful, what can look ordinary yet bring loads of joy.
100 Joys.
I have decided to join her.
I'll be spending the month of December intentionally looking and writing about things that bring me joy. :)
So here it goes, 100 ways I find joy.
Sarah started December 1st, but I start today.
Thursday.
I spent my morning on the train. I boarded an Amtrak bus at 0625, and was able to board my train to Fresno, CA around 1030. I don't have morning classes, and so usually miss the emerging of the sun into the sky. However, I was awestruck as to how beautiful mornings are. Amazed at how new the day is, and how amazing it is to witness light enter the sky. It reminded me of hope, how there is hope to be seen every morning [1].
I arrived in Fresno, and was met by two amazing individuals who spent a part of their day showing me Fresno City College and Fresno State so that I might make an informed decision if I believe I am being led to InterVarsity staff. I spent the day hearing about InterVarsity's long legacy in Fresno, and how it has changed over the years. I found myself laughing easily while spending time with Rob and Layla, feeling comfortable to share my story with them.
Later, was the most anticipated moment. Seeing the Minturns. This family is a strong reason why I feel so grounded in Fresno. This family has seen me since my first day in Fresno back in 2008, when I was highly insecure yet excited to see what God was doing in the city and in me. Todd was actually the first person who had more than a two sentence conversation with me that day.
And as I expected, as I saw them, they hugged me and welcomed me as I knew they would. Seeing Todd, Carrie and the boys is always wonderful, but this felt like coming home.
It felt normal.
Dinner, playing with the kiddos, catching up on life and talking about what the future could look like... family.
Two minutes after entering the door, my hand was taken by a hand much smaller than mine, to see the Christmas tree, and the candy cane lights that had just been put up. :)
However, my favorite part was watching Todd read to the boys. He was reading Pete the Cat ...the book has a song integrated to it, to which the boys giggle hysterically. Hearing them giggle and seeing their joy... priceless [2].
I loved that Todd decided to sit me down on the couch and ask me open-ended questions so that I could process what had happened since I arrived on the train (the day had been FULL). I love that Carrie sat down and listened as prepared for Advent. Again, it felt normal [3].
Friday.
Breakfast. I've never been too much of a breakfast person, but I wanted to make use of my time with the Minturns. Oatmeal, frozen Gogurt, orange juice. A grumpy 4 year old. Family. :)
I drove around with Todd, to get myself re-acclimated with Fresno. He showed me the most amazing thing. Christmas Tree Lane! It's an 88 year tradition, where an entire street, for blocks on end, decorate their houses for folks to drive (or walk) by to celebrate Christmas. They even have a radio station that you can tune into as you drive through it! The decorations were amazing, I couldn't believe half of them, they were epic.
(Seriously, Google it.)
Later, I got to talk to the Executive Director from FIFUL to just share more of what I'm thinking, feeling, answer my questions. I continue to be amazed at how much people care. They're praying, emailing me, texting me to make sure I know they've got my back [4].
As I had lunch with Carrie, I realized how wonderful it is to be able to share life with Carrie. To learn from her life, share her story and be spoken Truth by her...wonderful.
It has also been incredible to watch her family. To watch the way Todd and Carrie love their boys, how completely they love them, it's hopeful. Hopeful to know that although a family story like mine is common, it's not the only one out there. And although I've only been here for slightly longer than 24 hours, parts of my heart are healing just by watching them be a family [5].
Where do you find joy?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
You can't give what you don't have.
As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.
This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.
It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.
Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.
I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.
You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.
This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.
It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.
Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.
I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.
You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)