my soul.

i've been trying to listen.
listen to my soul.
i've noticed a dip in my mood, a tightening of my heart, a frustration, a longing, a mourning...
it's been a crazy few days.

i haven't really been able to put my finger on it.
it's in days like this that i stop and actually say, "i need a quiet place." i think of jesus in the gospel of mark, where he goes and prays in a lonely place. when he needed space to spend with the Father and just be.

however, i spent some time with jesus today and a few themes came up: fear, purpose and romantic relationships.
fear (see previous post): i'm finding myself seeing similar symptoms come up from the rest of my life. i fear giving myself completely to relationships, especially now in a new community that is still learning how to build itself. i still fear the uncertainty of relationships that may not remain when we're not living in the same city.

purpose: at this very particular moment in life i don't feel like i'm doing much. i feel like it's just a routine: work, church, home. don't get me wrong; work is great, church community is awesome, and the roomies are great. however, i don't feel like i'm giving myself to anything. i need to give myself to something that i'm passionate about, something that is linked with jesus that allows me to feel a great sense of joy.

romantic relationships: this is the one that frustrates/confuses me the most. having had my fair share of experiences with amazing men who i have developed feelings for, i wonder at what it is i am seeing and thinking. we talked in my church Bible study, about relationships and how our church and our interest in our significant other should be that they challenge us and point us to Jesus. i was amazed to notice that Shoreline is so different than my home church, and sufficiently different than InterVarsity that I have grown a lot in the last few months. and i see that in him as well. his life is awe-inspiring, one that points directly to Jesus as he shares his current struggles, his past and the role that Jesus has had in his life. i still have a lot of questions, especially since this seems to be a cycle in my life and emotions, so i wonder how this is different.

there's so much more packed into this, so much more that i have yet to wrestle out with Jesus.
a lot more that i don't want to confront or ask 'cause i'm afraid things won't work out the way i want.


jesus, would i learn to trust you in this season. with my questions and with what you're doing in my life.
amen.

I need.

Words have been far and few this past month. This is what I could get out tonight.

Yes, you're welcome to catch me and ask details.

Alright, I get it.
At least I think so.

I've been stripped of everything I found (and find) identity in.
I am no longer in a position of authority in the fellowship that taught me to lead.
To lead well.
Friendships from said fellowship remain; although it's difficult to be that intentional.
Some folks don't know what to say or ask when they see me.
Conferences, large groups, community aren't the conversational link anymore.
Transitioning and becoming known in a new church community is difficult.
Folks don't go out of their way to meet you, making introductions awkward.
I (still) don't have a job.
Nothing to take pride in that I "got" or get to do everyday.

It seems like I've got nothing.
My tank's on empty.
My bank account is empty.
My heart (often) feels empty.

Yet the lesson, word, and reminder from Jesus is
Papa.

Remember I made a promise to keep you safe.

I've been listening to a lot of JJ Heller lately. A woman who puts spiritual Truth into a musical artform.
I can't help but sit and listen, letting words and Truth wash over me day after day.
I found myself resistant to a line today,
when my world is shaking Heaven stands/ when my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands

my heart is struggling, fighting to know that Jesus is good.
that Jesus is the Papa I need.
That promises he gives are never broken.
I know broken promises.
I know disappointment, failure, despair.

I want to believe in joy, in hope.
I want to believe it not only when I'm sharing how hard these three months have been,
but I want to believe it when I'm sitting alone,
when my heart needs to be reminded that
You keep promises.

I need.

I just reread this and realize this is really vague. Apologies.

Hazards of Having a Big Heart

1. You fall in love with people quickly and deeply.
2. You fall in love with places quickly and deeply.
3. You grieve deeply with people you've just met.
4. Your heart breaks when moving away people and places.
5. You want everyone to know how beautifully amazing they are.

Okay, so these aren't all hazards... bear with me. 

My heart

is quite insecure.

As the year is winding down and I am entering this new phase of life, of growing up and finding a genuine community outside of BCF-

I need to be reassured that friendships are staying friendships.

And that You (and you) aren't going anywhere.

lovable.

i still have a difficult time receiving love. not being open when friends and family want to serve me, learning the hard way that they're doing it because they love me.


this is an interesting reality to live in.
living in the constant, want, need to be loved, yet not knowing how to receive that when it is shown to me.
the words, "i'm not going anywhere" are powerful.
too often not spoken, my heart often questioning how long friendships will last and why.
what do i have to offer you?

when L and P called me and said, we want to get you food, my first thought was, "why?"
my heart doubted the goodness of a free delivered meal.
(it was delicious too.)
i love these two dearly, i know their hearts, yet i doubted.

how many times have i doubted You?
i know Your heart, i know that you love me, yet when perfect and good things are presented to me,
i doubt.
i believe you will still give me a stone instead of bread, that my heart will continue to be broken time and time again.

"you are lovable. i guess you've questioned that before."
as i resisted hug after hug from a new friend made in St. Louis, these words were spoken to me.
i stopped.
yes, i question that just about every day.
the scars of the men in my life who didn't see me as lovable haven't faded.
i don't see lovable when i look in the mirror, don't feel particularly lovable when i walk down to campus.
yet, there it was.
said to me point blank so i had to hear it.

i often wonder how long it will take for my heart to see, hear, and taste the goodness of the love You shower upon me every single day through my friends, my family.

a man of my own.

i visited A and all i wanted to do was take care of him.
you know, the way a girlfriend would.
to hold his hand to reassure him i was there,
to kiss the top of his head when i said goodbye.
no, friends, i am not falling for A.
my heart is still in that place where it's been for a little over a year (wow).

i'm paying attention to my heart,
the ways it wants to open itself up to the possibilities of being vulnerable and honest to the end of being known.
valued.
loved.

i am learning the kind of man i want.
a man who will ask me a bunch of questions,
'cause most of the time i don't know how much to say.
he'll laugh at all my stupid and sometimes witty jokes,
'cause i like being reassured that i'm somewhat funny.
he'll know how to read me. know how far to push when i get quiet.
'cause sometimes i pretend everything's fine when i really want you to ask "what's wrong?"
be able to read from my smile that's it's the polite one instead of the one that reaches my eyes.
know that when i say, "i like that shirt" it means "i like you in that shirt."
learning the areas of my life i don't like to touch 'cause i get emotional,
but will still ask in case i need to talk about it.
a man that will call me out of whatever funk i'm in 'cause days are better when i smile.
even weakly.

i want to be in that place where i can trust that man.
fully knowing that he's there to challenge and protect me.
'cause he loves me.

my heart feels ready.
ready to dare, ready to risk.
ready to love.
completely and fully.

the way i've already been loved.
by You.

this is rare.

it is rare when i let myself re-enter childhood.
no, not the parts of my childhood where i reveled in running through the sprinklers with my sisters, planting roses with Mom, or making a mess in the kitchen with my aunt.

the part when dad would re-enter the family, cook up a storm, pretend everything was okay as my sisters and i looked at each other confused, how do we play the part of daddy's girls?

we watched the news over dinner. we should be just as informed as daddy, sitting there wanting to share the sticker i got for reading well at school today, the spelling test i aced, or the fact that i was chasing a boy around during recess. his eyes stayed on the screen.

we played with our dog. the dog who seemed to listen to everything we said and got defensive when this stranger would enter our home. dad would eventually get annoyed at his protectiveness and kick him. dad couldn't understand our love for that pup.

i always got nervous after our hugs and kisses good night to daddy. i was always afraid of leaving him alone with mom. soon after we made it up to bed, my sisters and i cracked the door open to hear what they were arguing about next, what dad was throwing across the room, listening for the sounds of skin hitting skin... waiting if we needed to make an appearance.

waiting for night to end and the pretense of another day to begin.

i've been wrestling with the parts of myself i don't want to engage with. the parts that are messy, wounded, upset, healing (still). the parts of me that do not believe that complete healing is possible. that freedom is too elusive.

this time i choose to engage.
thanks, A for pushing me on this night.
thank you Jesus for sitting with me.

Shadows II

The shadows fall behind
The anger, the anxiety, the fear
How could I forget
That you were always so near

A great relief sets in
I know you are here
And you do not fret
Through my hesitation and despair

My heart overflows
I grin from ear to ear
For I cannot easily forget
The sacrifice that brought me cheer

My love for you is limitless
For I am certain
It is clear
That I am cherished
That I am dear

Shadows

The shadows fall behind
How could I be so blind
It was always there in my mind
I just did not want to see

You offer me the greatest desire
A love stronger than anyone's ire
Your protection deeper than the sea
A passion as hot as fire

I fell in love with the elusive dream
One that seemed so out of reach
A dream that is suddenly
The sole reason why my heart beats