Sometimes I cry...

There's a certain spell that's cast sometimes when dancers step onto a stage.
When the music starts.
When the audience is quiet, completely still when seeing dancers onstage, something powerful is happening.
The reality of the vulnerability, the emotion, the depth of the soul that is so apparent in what is sometimes overlooked by the sequence of steps.
When I forget about lines, time, music and am enraptured by the fluidity of the piece before me, my soul reacts.

I am finally able to see the message, the story, the beauty of both the dancer and choreographer.
And often, that makes me cry.

This has happened twice today.
The knowledge of sending a loved one out to war, yet wanting to show them how deeply loved they are. The military being such a soft spot in my heart, I reacted to this.

And the search for salvation, the search for something, someone to save you, to hold onto... I couldn't hold back tears watching this piece.

So go, enjoy these two pieces. :)

More on my own dance journey later.

dancing through life.

i like dancing.
correction, i love to dance.
it gets incorporated into a lot of facets of my life
walking to class,
dance parties when i'm alone in my room,
randomly as i'm standing in someone's living room
...
dance is a part of me.

i wiggled a lot right after i was born.
nurses couldn't really explain it,
i was born four months early
(yay for preemies)
and they expected me to be still,
moving only when i needed something.
and yet i was wiggling like no other
while laying in the NICU.

one of the nurses mentioned it to my folks,
my dad replied, "she's worshipping God."

as i've grown, i still dance.
always.
the best part of high school was dance class.
finding my voice through movement,
through song.

and as i finally think back to those weeks
after emerging from the womb.
it resonates, clicks.
i am a dancer.

perhaps not a professional one,
or a decent one at ballet,
but my body and soul are complete
as i dance for my Savior.
all the day long.

things i want for my life.

untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom

Dancing thoughts swirling around.

I often find myself with dancers,
movement
or the sensation of dancing
floating in my head.

I'll be walking back to my room,
or off to class
and I'll think of a dance move to do.

Most of the time
it doesn't matter.
I can't do most of it anyway.

At the same time,
I wonder when I will.
If that thing that my heart and my head desire are
achievable.

If it is a desire,
it should be attainable.
Right?

So the question is:
am I willing to risk looking like a fool,
working from square one
in order to achieve it?

Do I believe it's worth it?

Time to get my butt back in dance class.

Songs of 2008

So these are all songs that resonated in my mind or my heart during the year 2008. I tend to write down song lyrics that speak to me, and these are the ones that I found written from January thru December of 2008.

• Delicate-Damien Rice
• The Closing of the Doors
• Gentle Savior- David Phelps
• Wonderful- Everclear
  
• Lucky Star- Debbie Reynolds
• Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
• First Cut Is the Deepest- Sheryl Crowe
• Twist of Fate- U2
• My Desire- Kirk Franklin
• "God Who Answers Prayer", Psalm 65
  
• Who Am I?- Point of Grace
• When You Believe- Prince of Egypt
• When Love Takes You In- Steven Curtis Chapman
• Moment Made for Worshipping- Steven Curtis Chapman
• Unify Us, Purify Us
• You Said
• Blessed Be Your Name
• None, But Jesus
• Let Go- Grey Holiday
• I Will Follow You
• Temprano yo te buscare
• Cry In My Heart- Starfield
  
• Everlasting- Hillsong
• You Dance Over Me
• The More I Seek You
• Just Want You Around- Lauryn Hill
• Broken- Lifehouse
• Learning to Breathe- Switchfoot
• You- Switchfoot
• This is Home- Switchfoot
• Wait for Me- Rebecca St. James
• Coming Home- John Legend
• Hold You in My Arms- Ray LaMontagne
  

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)

So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.