Catch.

"Life is all about catching each other in the spaces when we're free."
After those words came out of my mouth, I was a little surprised. I said it in response to the remorse he felt at being tired. "Joey, it's okay." I really do understand. I understand ministry, the being tired, yet wanting to just inhabit the same space, even though nothing tangibly eventful is happening.
I'm growing. The Sol that selfishly wanted space with friends; mealtimes, sing-alongs, space to talk until 3am... she's moved on. Don't get me wrong, I still want to hang out, but I understand they're life is the dorms. I simply get the privilege of watching them grow, lead, find their voice in the Kingdom.

It's been a privilege, BCF. You've taught me much, you've taught me well.
And as I watch the once-freshmen (two years ago!) I can't help but try to swallow the knot that develops in my throat at how amazingly beautiful this is. And I can't believe it.
I can't believe that two years ago I met them at the same conference they're now leading, telling them to find the "cool kid" during breakfast and make friends (that's where it all began), and to do his very best.

I was able to affirm "My Favorite" on his birthday. Sharing how PROUD I am of him, of the man he's becoming, of a leader among leaders, how he's taken this responsibility so heavily... I love him for it.

I told him he was a part of my legacy. He is. He's a huge part of how God has blessed me as a female leader, a risk taker in cross gender relationships, a testament that God indeed does know what he's doing. I cannot fathom how many lives will be changed because of My Favorite, but it sure is incredible to try.

Joyful December.

I'll jump right in.
My friend, Sarah Markley had an amazing idea. She has decided to spend the month of December finding 100 ways that she finds joy. The small, the sorrowful, what can look ordinary yet bring loads of joy.
100 Joys.
I have decided to join her.
I'll be spending the month of December intentionally looking and writing about things that bring me joy. :)

So here it goes, 100 ways I find joy.
Sarah started December 1st, but I start today.

Thursday.
I spent my morning on the train. I boarded an Amtrak bus at 0625, and was able to board my train to Fresno, CA around 1030. I don't have morning classes, and so usually miss the emerging of the sun into the sky. However, I was awestruck as to how beautiful mornings are. Amazed at how new the day is, and how amazing it is to witness light enter the sky. It reminded me of hope, how there is hope to be seen every morning [1].
I arrived in Fresno, and was met by two amazing individuals who spent a part of their day showing me Fresno City College and Fresno State so that I might make an informed decision if I believe I am being led to InterVarsity staff. I spent the day hearing about InterVarsity's long legacy in Fresno, and how it has changed over the years. I found myself laughing easily while spending time with Rob and Layla, feeling comfortable to share my story with them.
Later, was the most anticipated moment. Seeing the Minturns. This family is a strong reason why I feel so grounded in Fresno. This family has seen me since my first day in Fresno back in 2008, when I was highly insecure yet excited to see what God was doing in the city and in me. Todd was actually the first person who had more than a two sentence conversation with me that day.
And as I expected, as I saw them, they hugged me and welcomed me as I knew they would. Seeing Todd, Carrie and the boys is always wonderful, but this felt like coming home.
It felt normal.
Dinner, playing with the kiddos, catching up on life and talking about what the future could look like... family.
Two minutes after entering the door, my hand was taken by a hand much smaller than mine, to see the Christmas tree, and the candy cane lights that had just been put up. :)
However, my favorite part was watching Todd read to the boys. He was reading Pete the Cat ...the book has a song integrated to it, to which the boys giggle hysterically. Hearing them giggle and seeing their joy... priceless [2].
I loved that Todd decided to sit me down on the couch and ask me open-ended questions so that I could process what had happened since I arrived on the train (the day had been FULL). I love that Carrie sat down and listened as prepared for Advent. Again, it felt normal [3].

Friday.
 Breakfast. I've never been too much of a breakfast person, but I wanted to make use of my time with the Minturns. Oatmeal, frozen Gogurt, orange juice. A grumpy 4 year old. Family. :)
I drove around with Todd, to get myself re-acclimated with Fresno. He showed me the most amazing thing. Christmas Tree Lane! It's an 88 year tradition, where an entire street, for blocks on end, decorate their houses for folks to drive (or walk) by to celebrate Christmas. They even have a radio station that you can tune into as you drive through it! The decorations were amazing, I couldn't believe half of them, they were epic.
(Seriously, Google it.)
Later, I got to talk to the Executive Director from FIFUL to just share more of what I'm thinking, feeling, answer my questions. I continue to be amazed at how much people care. They're praying, emailing me, texting me to make sure I know they've got my back [4].
As I had lunch with Carrie, I realized how wonderful it is to be able to share life with Carrie. To learn from her life, share her story and be spoken Truth by her...wonderful.
It has also been incredible to watch her family. To watch the way Todd and Carrie love their boys, how completely they love them, it's hopeful. Hopeful to know that although a family story like mine is common, it's not the only one out there. And although I've only been here for slightly longer than 24 hours, parts of my heart are healing just by watching them be a family [5].

Where do you find joy?

MOMENTUM: The Promise

This is the sixth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

The last night I spent cooking at Momentum, I was able to see BCF.

I won't lie, it was interesting.

The cooking team was eating what was left of the steak Sherry had prepared, and just enjoying the fact that we had fed 60+ students and staff a very legit dinner.

BCF began getting ready for worship, and I wondered what would come around this time.

Previously, I felt left out, wanting to be with BCF and shortly after that resenting serving instead of worshipping the way I knew how.

And this time...

This time, I saw them. I wrote this in my journal that night.

I felt it during tonight's worship. The affirmation of the ministry at UCLA. I saw students- students who know You seeking to see more of Your face while they gain their college education. Students who will put their reputation on the line so that their friends can know You. The countless stories of young men and women who will be the leaders of UCLA, and will lead their own individual movements for you. I finally saw all of the potential in them, the catalyst to what is seen as normal at UCLA. A new definition of witness, of a follower of Jesus.

I saw the way they worship you, it's real. It's true. They've been redeemed, they have seen [and felt] how you love them. And that, my Jesus, is a beautiful thing. [...]

At that moment, watching BCF worship, I was able to see outside of the bias of my leadership. Of the fact that I knew these students, but I was able to see InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship as a movement that was yearning to have UCLA know Jesus.

It blew me away.

I heard a promise from Jesus the beginning of my third year at UCLA, a promise declaring that Jesus would do "crazy things". After a year full of grief, disappointment and confusion; I figured Jesus' promise had been delayed.

My fourth year at UCLA, my final year in BCF, saw a lot of joyful serving. The expansion of an area, the support of a community when I felt at my lowest. All that while I witnessed Jesus bring restoration, redemption and love to those who had not known Him.

And so seeing the beautiful act of worship by BCF, I realized the promise was one I was meant to expect always. I am meant to expect the crazy, amazing, miraculous from Jesus always. Because he has chosen BCF to be his hands and his feet.

So the promise has been fulfilled, and will continue to be.

I mean, how else would 180+ be at Fall Conference this weekend?  :)

MOMENTUM: New Community

This is the fifth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

She left her phone number and email, just like she said she would. 

It still didn't explain why I was so excited.

Michelle from West LA Baptist Church had spoken with me and three other women previously involved with InterVarsity about their Women's ministry.

She said they were looking for "younger" women in whom to invest.

God had been speaking to me that it was time to find a solid group of women to get connected to.
Hence, getting excited over Michelle.
I felt like this was the nudge I needed to admit that I needed a new community of folks to live life with.
Yes, it'd be hard, but necessary.

And it has been.
Although I have not committed to West LA Baptist, I have begun my journey in a new community.
It's been difficult and awkward, but it's been worth it.
I mentioned at the beginning of this series, that I had to leave BCF so that I might grow.
So that my spiritual life wouldn't deteriorate.
And I have found that I have been welcomed, challenged and supported as I've entered this new area of my journey with Jesus.
As I've committed to investing in the new family I've found at Shoreline.
I have found my love of the Word to be one that has grown stronger as my community group and I tackle questions and epiphanies that we've had since hearing Sunday's talk, and it's been amazing to see how we're able to support each other as we face joys and heartache.

To God be all the glory.
Amen.

MOMENTUM: Common Purpose

This is the fourth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

Have you ever met someone who had a similar vision as you? Or someone who was working toward the same goal as you? I remember meeting Raul, Keith and Lacy's housemate. I have to admit, the first few minutes were a little awkward, but after realizing that we both wanted to do inner city ministry for the next season of our lives, and probably in Fresno, CA, we got into a stream of questions and dreams of the things we want to see happen in the city. My heart was pretty happy too, to know that someone was working toward the same thing I am.

That same feeling resurged in my heart as I listened to the journey of students who had gone on a summer projects all over the world. I missed Fresno. I missed the community I began to notice and slightly daydream about. A group of people with whom I share God's heart; a heart of restoration for the city, for Downtown Fresno, a dream that extends to the lives of the neighborhood called Lowell. Or common purpose to see restoration in a physical and spiritual sense, where we are able to see God's will done in the city piece by piece, a little each day.

And it was during these testimonies of students who I have spent late night hours talking about what God is doing in them, in their families, the ways it's hard and yet rewarding... I realized my purpose is different than theirs now.

So it's time to find that new group of people, and devote the next few years of my life finding that place and people who understand and share what I was created to do. You know, as I discover it myself.

MOMENTUM: Worship

This is the third entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

Worship has always been special to me. I get to be loud, I get to dance, I get to sing. All without being judged, and usually with a group of folks I love.
So that first weekend with InterVarsity students, seeing them, eating with them (kind of), and seeing them worship instead of worshiping with them... I got a little frustrated.
I wondered why I chose to exit community, to only remind myself a second later that this was for my own good.

It was after lunch, that I started wiping tables, trying to give myself a heart check. It was then when the worship set began, and my heart wanted to start a dance line, sing really loudly and just be worshiping.
At least, the way I knew how.
And then, I had a thought, service is worship. Service because of all I have received, both from Jesus and from friends who guided me into a real relationship with Jesus. What I have done and continue to do as I step into life outside of college, as I realize that worship is not just singing at church or during times when I am surrounded by believers.

Worship because it's all I can do. A heart filled with love, gratitude, service, and a yearning to know Jesus more and more. Service is the way to get there; service is the way to love Jesus and my friends in a way that is completely different than I am used to. But worship just the same.

My series on MOMENTUM continues. Come back and read. :)

MOMENTUM: "You did good."

This is the second entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the entry to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

I mentioned in my previous post that I decided to go to Momentum, in a serving role, for myself.
I didn't realize that taking on that role and not being able to be with the rest of BCF that first weekend would be so difficult. As they arrived, as they hugged, some squealed, as they caught up with each other...my head began to drift further and further from the kitchen to where they were, right on the other side of the kitchen counter.
And as I listened, I began to really mourn the transition out of my fellowship.

As we all had dinner, I saw how they enjoyed it, both the food and the company; how grateful they were for the cooking team's service.
I began to relax; but still, I wanted to be with them.

In the time I had spent resting instead of leading; after leading a missions team in  my insecurities began to bubble to the surface. What did I actually do? How did I grow to have spiritual authority among BCF? I don't see it, not anymore. 

After dinner, I finally had a chance to sit and listen.
Listen, without having to pretend that I was being attentive to hot links, spilled drinks, or refilling napkins.
My friend Helen and I sat down at the back of the room as missions testimonies were being shared.
And, slowly, as another rose from his or her chair, shared what God had done in them and in Fresno, Honduras, South L.A., and Turkey, my heart grew more and more full.

And as a young man, Jonathan, shared of his experience in Honduras, what he learned, what he saw and how his outlook on life and on his faith had changed... the fullness of my heart overflowed as tears from my eyes.
I began to weep.
Weep, because I have witnessed the transition of this man. One that I truly call a man of God.
And I see the strength, wisdom and beauty that is growing in him.
The truly amazing  part is, he's not the only one. There are countless moments, stories, journeys just like Jonathan's.
As I sat there amazed and utterly grateful,
I felt a strong hand on my shoulder,
and a whisper from the voice my soul recognizes as His own, saying, "You did good."
And that was enough for my heart to receive that night.

MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter

InterVarsity at UCLA has a yearly pre-Fall conference.
MOMENTUM.
(I write it in all caps, because it's a pretty epic name.)
It's a time for InterVarsity staff, leaders and returners (sometimes freshmen) to reunite and vision and bond for the new academic year.
It's an exciting time, I personally think of it as a family reunion: friends who haven't seen each other in months, reunite and share about what God was up to during the summer, both the breathtakingly amazing and the difficult.
 This year it was different for me. I was an "old person", standing and cooking in the kitchen, serving behind the counter instead of planning, listening, mentoring, leading on the other side.
It was hard, but it was necessary.
Many wondered why I decided to exit community, to not stick around in BCF when I would still be around.
The answer is simple: I tend to hold on for too long.

I knew if I stayed, without leading, without intentionally stretching myself spiritually and emotionally,
I wouldn't.
I would enjoy friends, the praise from younger students, the questions of my future... but I wouldn't grow.

So I decided to serve at MOMENTUM for myself just as much as I did for BCF.
(Let's face it, the kids gotta eat.)
But for me, it was more of the beginning of my new role in BCF. One of a servant; still present, but not in the limelight, not the one people call on when things are rough. I needed to tangibly place myself in what would become my life for the next year.
So I served.
And I serve.
I say this as a reminder to myself, as I do for you who reads this.
I love BCF with all of my heart, the ways it has allowed me to see more of Jesus, encouraged me to lead, trained me to become a leader, equipped me to lead well, and challenged me to go (and lead) wherever God is leading me.
So the least I can do is offer what I have: my hands, my feet, my service.

This is the beginning of a six-part series on MOMENTUM, a conference where I was able to listen to God as I served. Please stay tuned.

Visitor's Day

I was exhausted at the end of this Saturday.
I was wiped.
I crawled to bed.
It was the best kind of tired.
The tired of hanging out with 25 of your favorite people in the place that you love.
That day was the best I had spent, the most giving day.
The day I understood what it meant to be loved quite tangibly.
I questioned whether you who said you were coming would.
I doubted because I hadn't been reassured.
And lo and behold, there were the people I so eagerly wanted to see.
They had not reassured me because they were coming.
I just didn't know that.
And yes, learning to trust them and the other 23 folks that came was like breathing deeply after holding my breath for a long time.
You see, I question my friendships a lot. Especially now.
Now when I am not fully immersed in our UCLA InterVarsity fellowship.
And so having promises kept is a really big deal for me.
Promises spoken matter of factly at the end of conversation.
Promises where friends understand what FUI has meant to me, and why it was so important to have visitors come and support me in the place where God continues to work so powerfully.
(There'll probably be more on this later.)

Thank you friends, for loving me.

Fresno, CA.

I am sitting on the floor of the Pink House.
A place I love deeply and utterly because of what happened both when and since I was here two summers ago.
I feel the excitement of a summer filled with endless possibilities for God.

The responsibility is deeper.
I am called to lead, serve and encourage the group of about 30 students that will arrive on Wednesday.
And I know God will rock me.

He'll rock me in a way I'm sure; because I have asked, tried and pleaded that He would.
And now, I'm here.
In an opportunity that I didn't know would be offered to me. And I am so grateful.

Grateful to feel alive as I passed Motel Drive, to know that God wants to fulfill His will here in this city.
His city.

Jesus, may you be glorified in the ways in which this humble group of students and staff seek to love your people for your glory. May we speak, serve and love in your name.

And to you be all the glory.
Amen.

If you'd like to support me on this journey, please send letters (and checks, if you desire) to:

Sol Eufracio

c/o FUI

310 N. Roosevelt Ave

Fresno, CA 93701

Canta.

Singing is my vulnerable spot. Probably because I enjoy it (a lot) yet don't feel like my voice holds a candle to the rest of the voices surrounding me.
So when my friend, E said it was finally time to perform this song ("Let That Be Enough" by Switchfoot) outside of his room, for more than five of our closest friends, I said yes. However, I didn't think that Senior Catalyst (InterVarsity's large group gathering put on by the Senior class every year) would be the biggest risk I ever did take in BCF.

That Thursday night was me putting myself out there (I felt the most vulnerable I've ever felt); knowing I wasn't the best singer in our class, that my voice would not be flawless, but deciding to sing anyway.

Singing because I have a story to tell.

A story of redemption- singing with the man that has challenged my mind and caused me to check the motives of my heart. Not to mention that he aggressively encouraged me (for about a year) to do this song. I could not have done it without him. I have learned to much of God's love through him, and learning what it means to live in the constant want of letting God's love be enough for me.
A story of grief- the first time I heard this song was five days after my stepfather passed away, liking this song, and having the melody and the line, "I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land," stuck in my head for a long time after initially hearing it.
A story of healing-a year after, seeing the ways God has been doing a healing work in me. Shattering guilt, shame and reminding me that I am His. That his love is constant, no matter what I fail to do and no matter how I mess up.
My story- it has become a story of dependence on Jesus. Learning more and more what it means to follow him in the moments when I don't know what comes next, the moments when I'm tired, the moments when I think he doesn't know what he's doing.

My life and my story has become this song, and may that be enough.


Amen.

let's be real.

this sucks.
the reality of leaving my fellowship, BCF, is hitting hard now.
BCF has been what i've known, what i've lived for and where i have received life the past 3 years.

this is scary.
actually, this is pretty terrifying.
(you know my panic face? i'm wearing it right now.)

additionally, i don't like goodbyes. and although i'll be here for the next while i won't be directly investing in the lives of friends that are near.
there aren't words now.
just this feeling of dread.

the image in my head is running across the plateau of a cliff,
running toward the impending edge to ultimately jump off it.
i've been running for 3 years, and now i know the edge is getting closer and closer.

running is easy.
jumping off the cliff is hard,
and
I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

Your Beloved.

Lord it was You who
Created the Heavens
Lord it was Your hand 
That put the stars in their place

Lord it is Your voice 
That commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves
Bow at Your feet


Lord who am I
Compared to Your glory, Oh Lord
Lord who am I
Compared to Your majesty


I am Your beloved
Your creation
And You love me as I am


You have called me chosen
For your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own
I am Your beloved.

You know, for the longest time, I didn't like this song. Particularly the questioning bit.
It made me feel less. I felt like the song was glorifying creation and making me less.
The thought process was, "Lord, who am I? I can't compare to stars or the ocean..."
But I am Your beloved, you love me even though I can't compare to those things. It was finally
at our large group meeting with InterVarsity that I realized that the beloved part is the response that God
has for us, as we question our place, our beauty, everything... he comes back and says, you're my beloved.
He loves me the same (more, I'd wager) than the rest of creation. And that is an awe-inspiring thing.

the weekend.

did it exceed expectations?
oh yeah.

the weekend began with celebrating the way Jesus met my friends on Thursday.
risk led to an experience, which led to me crying tears of joy.

friday night, Hedrick Con.
it was an awesome way of bonding with community, serving and loving friends who have become vital to my peace of mind, spiritual growth and knowledge of who Jesus is.
favorite moments:
*playing husband and wife (ask, if you don't know what i'm talking about) and hitting the ground so hard, I got rug burn...and a gnarly scrape that i'm more than slightly proud of.

saturday, continuation of Hedrick Con and CACN.
*sharing our memorials and essentially sharing our stories with each other. you always hear bits and pieces of what is happening for folks, but actually hearing and seeing what God has done, is simply amazing.
*the ride to and from UCLA to the OC. it was an awesome way to spend time with rachelle, andy, a.ro and joey! we bonded over music, the game of connection, and trying to not fall asleep on each other's shoulders after the weekend was over (we didn't accomplish that last one).
*the mad dash back to UCLA for CACN. eating yoshinoya at lightning fast speed, driving back, dropping stuff off and then making it to royce only a couple minutes after 7pm when the show started.

sunday, UCLA Powwow with the family and Leaders Meeting
*waking up late and showering, ultimately seeing my mom and sisterS! exclamation on the plural, i didn't know my eldest sister would be here so that was awesome! we ate frybread (so yummy!) and laughed a LOT! it was one of the best days i've had in a long time.
*leaders: singing, thanking God, sharing what our souls need... i'm always blessed at these meetings. i think of the choir of legions that is singing alongside with us as we praise the Lord...so amazing.
*extended grace upon me by the hedrick leaders. love and grace felt powerful, i'll carry that night with me for a long time to come.

jesus i praise you for a weekend full of reflection, community, vulnerability and joy beyond all measure.

sean a Ti, toda la gloria y la honra.
amen.

make a decision, already!

in trying to decide between Pomona-Pitzer and Irvine, I've run into one very accurate conclusion.
I'm indecisive.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not toying around with this decision like it's a light one. It's not.
It's just that the larger the decision seems to be, I wish it were out of my hands.
The reality is, I don't want to mess stuff up. I don't want to think that in two years I'll regret my decision.

S.Hop said that God calls us to the place where our abilities and desires meet. I'd end up at a place I'm excited to go, to lead. That was reassuring. I would love to go to a campus where I'm excited, whether it be for one thing (like leading Latino students) or the other (feeling like home when I stepped on).

The thing is, I didn't feel a crazy pull toward either one. I didn't feel like Irvine was home, like Pomona was home.
Probably because it's not. It's not UCLA.

However, there's something pretty amazing in that. There's a huge promise as I walk into this next season of life. A promise of growth, adventure, and a constant God who is always with me.

Sure this decision freaks me out, it's a huge decision to make single handedly...
but at the end of the day, a journey is a journey.
The road just looks differently than I thought.

You can't give what you don't have.

As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.

This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.

It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.

Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.

I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.

You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)

So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.

Intro

I decided to start at the beginning (at least where I feel my beginning has taken place), I read a lot, so I thought I'd do like great authors do: start at the beginning. I know not all stories start with an intro, some dive right in, but I thought I would.
I attend UCLA. A school that has taught me so much due to the classes I have taken, the people I have met, and the people that have continually stuck by my side throughout these past two years while I figure out what it is that I want out of life.
It is at UCLA that I have met a lot of really great friends, people I know that I will continually talk to for a long while and some that I know I will cease to talk to when I leave here. I'm okay with that, people leave imprints on your life regardless of how long they are in it, and it is the imprint that matters, what they contribute to your life; what they teach you and how you respond to it.
I have found my other family here also, I know people throw that around a lot, but I really do mean it (people throw that around too). I have come to trust, love and laugh with my family: InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship. Thanks to these people I found what it is that I was looking for here, the piece of the puzzle that was missing: my community. I have learned countless things through these people, and God has answered prayer, questions and enhanced my life because of it.
That's it for now, just a little taste of who I am and the things that I value. More later.