miedo.

i hate to say that i've lived most of my life in fear. miedo.

as a little girl, fear of monsters under my bed.
fear of when daddy came home, not knowing whether he'd be happy or angry in the next minute.
fear of waking up to a crying mama.
fear at not knowing how to console her.

in school, fear of not being wanted and accepted.
fear at failing at something once i had impressed someone.
fear that dad would come back and break the rhythm our household of women had created.

in high school and college, fear of boys.
fear of being loved, fear of being known and judged.
fear of having to share everything. todo.

now, some of the fears have remained. others have gone away, and new ones have surfaced.
today, i fear wanting to be known.
the want that is so insatiable. i crave for it, yet i fear risking my heart again.

i want to have deep, solid relationships.
for my hands to be held, for long abrazos from friends who feel like family.
to share laughter and culture over a meal.

i fear my values and passions being different and not understood.
questions not be asked, the depth of who i am not be sought.

tengo miedo.
i'm scared.

Shoreline

The beach has always been my refuge with sand that greets my feet with warmth, with water that is incredibly blue, and with gusts of wind that I can lose myself while I'm thinking, and while my feet walk parallel to the waves crashing onto the shore.
I love the beach, it's been where I go on days when I feel like singing so no one will hear, where I went when I got some soul stirring news...where I go to spend some time with my Papa.
It's where I rest.

It's appropriate that the church I find myself in is called, Shoreline. And just like my thoughts on the beach, Shoreline has become a haven. A haven in the middle of Westwood, amidst all the young college students who are figuring out life. I've found a haven.
Yes, it's completely and utterly different than what I pictured my church would look like after InterVarsity. It's not as diverse as I pictured, not as showy in it's love... but it's become the place where I rest.
Interesting, isn't it?
It's become the place where I anchor myself and ready myself for the week. It's where new, deep and real friendships have emerged from and where I grow with every new Sunday, every new teaching.
It's where I sing so that no one will hear, but that everyone might. It's where I am shyly learning to speak my voice and change the church with my gifting and insight.
I come here to spend time with my Papa, but also with my brothers and sisters.

:)

'Cause I need more stuff?

During this season of looking for a job, applying for a job, interviewing for a job, and ultimately getting and starting a job, I've had to borrow a lot of money from folks.
I've also been convicted of how I spend my money.

I don't spend money on expensive shoes or dresses, but I am really irresponsible with money.
I eat out more than I should, I get excited having money, so I just spend it.
'Cause I can.

We never had much while I was growing up. We always wore hand-me-downs, shopped at thift stores, didn't go to the movies...so I guess I see having money as my own way to fulfill what I wanted as a kid. Getting everything I have my eye on, or just buying it 'cause there's money in my bank account.
'Cause I can.

However difficult this season has been, it has allowed me to observe and analyze my priorities.
The question was and still is, What will I do when I finally get paid?
Will my spending habits be the same?

Borrowing money from friends and family has caused me to begin to internalize the Truth,
this is not my money.
This is God's money that he has given me so that I might use it wisely to bless those around me.
Paying my rent on time so that I serve my roommate who fronts it every month,
paying utilities so that we can all take hot showers and host those we have over when they need to crash for a night,
having extra money in case someone (like me the past 4 months) can borrow if they need
...
you get the idea.

So, ask me about money. Ask me what I'm doing to discipline myself. I'll probably get uncomfortable, but remind me that the past 4.5 years have been unsuccessful in being responsible with the monetary resources I've been given.

'Cause, no, I don't need more stuff.

[14].

I decided to start over. I was originally going to write a poem, something that would sound hokey and possibly make you chuckle, but I realized that's not really me.

Well, not always, so I'll stick to what I know.

We've seen a lot of life together.

We have cried, laughed until our sides have hurt and have held each other's hands as we've learned to see God in situations that simply do not make sense.

You've extended grace and mercy to me time and time again; often, by you choosing to come into my world and remind me that this too shall pass.

You're one of the greatest friends I never asked for, and one of my most treasured gifts.

I love you more than I could say, and honestly, I don't really know why I'm trying.

Thank you for loving me the way I need to be loved, for being so intentional that I don't even have to ask

 ...

you're already doing something to fix whatever jam I find myself in.

Thanks for being the person I was always too afraid to ask for,

one who understands me, knowing that exclaiming that I need a cookie actually meant emotional turmoil, reading my facial expressions (you know, that day when I wanted to "punch the world"), 

loaning me your Dad 'cause mine's out of commission,

for making me smile, challenging the things I think I can't do...

that's why you're my twin, my sister

forever.

Happy birthday, Monte.

  

Let Yourself Be Carried

Earlier this week, I felt pressed down, frustrated. Broken. I couldn't see Jesus, I didn't understand what he was doing or why. I ultimately decided to reach out to close friends of mine, friends who had (for the past 2 years) seen the best and the worst of me.
These friends encouraged me, affirmed me and reminded me of God's goodness. The Truth that countless times before, Jesus has provided. Jesus has provided when folks have seemed the most desperate, when things look and feel hard. This reminded me of the story in Mark 2, where Jesus heals a man who is paralyzed.

 ¹ A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. ² They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. ³ Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. ⁴ Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. ⁵ When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

 

I remember studying this passage 3 years, ago; being struck by the commitment of the paralytic's friends to get him to Jesus. I mean, seriously, the friends of the paralytic ripped open the roof above where Jesus was because they were so desperate for him to know Jesus. They carried their friend to Jesus when he couldn't get there on his own.

Similar to what my friends did for me this past Tuesday. They understood my need and did whatever it took to make sure that I saw Jesus and was met by him. I was slowly able to leave the anxiety, and fear behind me, knowing full well that Jesus had not only forgiven my lack of trust in him, but still waits to give me a perfect gift. And as I slowly realized that God is still good despite my circumstances, I grew more and more grateful that my friends were that committed to me in order to carry me back to Jesus.

What are areas in your life in which you need to let yourself be carried to Jesus?

Oh, beautiful day.

Today is one of the most amazing, blessed days I've had in a really long time.

I woke up  at 5:30 am to get ready and come back to UCLA.
I was driven back to UCLA by Mom and Sister while listening to the World Cup.
Mexico and South Africa tied that game.
I caught up with a long time friend while making breakfast.
Ate said breakfast with two new friends.
Sat around as people came in and out of her apartment.
Helped edit a personal statement.
Saw my friend HELEN SONG after a year!
And am now sitting having a (continuous) relaxing day.

Things later today:
watching the best friends I've made while in college walk to complete their college degree, and even though I won't be walking, it's going to be GREAT.
Having dinner with friends who have completed their degrees to celebrate.
Sleeping over and having late night conversations, I'm sure.

So far, a good day. And it'll probably get better. :)

Change, it's in your pocket.

As I walked to my last final of this year, I tapped my back pocket to make sure I had the necessary BruinCard and room key. I also found a silver Half Dollar.
My initial reaction was of surprise, "When did I get a half dollar and put it in my pocket?"
(insert the BCF Visioning Team quoting the phrase, "Change- it's in your pocket.")
The second was a smile, how random but very nice to have it there. I dropped it back in.

I could go on about the significance of my childhood said half dollar represents, but instead I've been thinking (and thinking) about the change that has already come. I've had a good run, you know.
I've laughed, cried harder than I ever thought I'd cry in front of people, and shared secrets as well as song with friends that will probably be friends for the rest of my life.

Now I listen to the sounds of boxes being thrown around in a feeble attempt to pack efficiently, laundry carts on their way up to rooms and back to the turnaround to load things into cars and ultimately have it driven away to its home.

Yes, change is here. And there isn't really anything I can do to stop it.
So here I go.

as i sat by the ocean, you said, "let go."

and Dad, although it's taken me a while to get here,
i think i'm there.

ready to walk away and not be bitter, not be resentful.
i understand why you blessed me with him,
why we're such good friends and the amazing
redemption
that i've received as i've seen more of his soul.
more of mine.

the more i look into his face
into his character,
i see You.

i see the ways he strives to please you,
love you,
honor You.

he's pledged his life to you,
and Daddy,
that's a beautiful thing.

his heart is beautiful,
the way he cares for me
the way he loves his family
although it's difficult,
there's been disappointment

i see the way he's following You,
following You to the cross day after day
praising You along the way
praying that you'll make his heart
more and more like yours.

it is.
every day.

most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

You can't give what you don't have.

As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.

This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.

It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.

Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.

I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.

You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.