i lied.

i said the reason i was leaving was because i had work in the morning and i wanted to sleep.
not entirely true.

i do have work in the morning, and sundays are the most difficult mornings to wake up,
but there's also... this.

my heart feels like weeping.

there are so many things that are overwhelming yet still unexplicable today.
like me going back to the familiar and unhealthy regarding me. regarding you.
feeling the sense of loss, having it penetrate dreams that wake me unrested and without peace.
wondering and sincerely hoping that they won't come to pass.
i really want peace.

'cause the when i am embraced by You through friends and loved ones...i wish they wouldn't end.
i wish that tonight you would all stay in that room as i fall asleep... to scare the dreams away and that i would be with you in that room, in this time and place forever.
'cause i'm more scared about what comes next than i care to admit, and i'm hoping that the promises from You and my family both here and back home aren't just empty promises.

i need these to be more real than what we've already shared.
than what i've already given you.

and that's why i'm typing all of this, letting brooke fraser's "love is waiting" wash over me yet again,
so that i can remember that tonight, and tomorrow when i wake up...
love is waiting.

Shadows

The shadows fall behind
How could I be so blind
It was always there in my mind
I just did not want to see

You offer me the greatest desire
A love stronger than anyone's ire
Your protection deeper than the sea
A passion as hot as fire

I fell in love with the elusive dream
One that seemed so out of reach
A dream that is suddenly
The sole reason why my heart beats

Hold You in My Arms

I heard this song while watching a play by Street Lamp Productions, a play based on the prodigal son. This song was played as the next scene was being set up, and everytime I listen to it some line resonates. Please take a listen.

Hold You in My Arms- Ray Lamontagne

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever