MOMENTUM: Common Purpose

This is the fourth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

Have you ever met someone who had a similar vision as you? Or someone who was working toward the same goal as you? I remember meeting Raul, Keith and Lacy's housemate. I have to admit, the first few minutes were a little awkward, but after realizing that we both wanted to do inner city ministry for the next season of our lives, and probably in Fresno, CA, we got into a stream of questions and dreams of the things we want to see happen in the city. My heart was pretty happy too, to know that someone was working toward the same thing I am.

That same feeling resurged in my heart as I listened to the journey of students who had gone on a summer projects all over the world. I missed Fresno. I missed the community I began to notice and slightly daydream about. A group of people with whom I share God's heart; a heart of restoration for the city, for Downtown Fresno, a dream that extends to the lives of the neighborhood called Lowell. Or common purpose to see restoration in a physical and spiritual sense, where we are able to see God's will done in the city piece by piece, a little each day.

And it was during these testimonies of students who I have spent late night hours talking about what God is doing in them, in their families, the ways it's hard and yet rewarding... I realized my purpose is different than theirs now.

So it's time to find that new group of people, and devote the next few years of my life finding that place and people who understand and share what I was created to do. You know, as I discover it myself.

When Love is Misunderstood

I had spent just about 14 days in our home. You know, post Fresno. I had spent days living, laughing, and eating at home with my mom and my sister. I had even been able to talk to my eldest sister on the phone. It had been a pretty good time, although I was starting to grow bored at the reality of not doing much of anything at home. No job, no volunteer site, nothing to do while my mom and sister were at work. Nothing to do until about 5pm.
I finally decided to be useful. I decided to clean up the kitchen, the place that we all use, but refuse to clean. I decided to wash up dishes, clean up the counters, sweep the floor. I thought, "What a great way to show my family what I learned in Fresno, about servanthood. They're sure to notice a change and ask about it." I finally felt useful.

My mom walked in and asked, "Haber, Sol, dime lo que quieres hacer." In the tone that implied that I was in trouble. She had asked, "Alright, Sol, tell me what you want to do." I explained that I just wanted to help out, by cleaning. By making a more suitable space for her and my sister since they were at work all day.

I felt like I had overstepped boundaries. The tone my mom used was one that told me that she was not happy. I didn't know what to do, did I choose this as the time to explain that I just wanted to serve her? Did I tell her that I didn't want us to live in the mess we'd created for ourselves over the summer? I wanted to explain that I had learned this past summer more about Jesus' love and what it means to serve people even when I'm tired, and because she's my mom, because this is my family...I wanted to do the same for them.

I didn't do either. I decided to let her assume that I was just doing it 'cause I was bored. Because I didn't want to watch tv anymore. It was an opportunity lost for my family to know a little more about why I do what I do. And now I regret it, I regret not taking the risk and telling her.

And so I wait for another chance to explain. And for her to see my love for her through Jesus.

Lay in the Grass

One night of the last week in Fresno, I decided it was time to sit outside.
I had spent the majority of my summer indoors, in the apartment of a thousand guests. :)
I found myself that night laying on the grass outside the Pink House, laying just looking up at the black night sky, searching for stars that were elusive and just thinking of Fresno.
I emulated the physical posture of Matt Rogers, who also laid on the grass thinking.
Laying there, I sighed a deep sigh.
I looked up into the heavens searching for something, anything.
I wanted to hear what God wanted to say to me.
I heard, "Sol, the things you want, I want. I long for them too."
I just about cried.
I thought about Fresno and how I had started to dream for the city, how I long to see and know the city as reconciled. As a place that is renewed.

I dream and have cried over the infinite possibilities of what unconditional love can really do.
I layed there and sighed a deep sigh.
A sigh of being heard, known.
A sigh of having God know my desires and me being completely at a loss of making them happen.
A sigh because it's all up to God, and he knows my heart.

Visitor's Day

I was exhausted at the end of this Saturday.
I was wiped.
I crawled to bed.
It was the best kind of tired.
The tired of hanging out with 25 of your favorite people in the place that you love.
That day was the best I had spent, the most giving day.
The day I understood what it meant to be loved quite tangibly.
I questioned whether you who said you were coming would.
I doubted because I hadn't been reassured.
And lo and behold, there were the people I so eagerly wanted to see.
They had not reassured me because they were coming.
I just didn't know that.
And yes, learning to trust them and the other 23 folks that came was like breathing deeply after holding my breath for a long time.
You see, I question my friendships a lot. Especially now.
Now when I am not fully immersed in our UCLA InterVarsity fellowship.
And so having promises kept is a really big deal for me.
Promises spoken matter of factly at the end of conversation.
Promises where friends understand what FUI has meant to me, and why it was so important to have visitors come and support me in the place where God continues to work so powerfully.
(There'll probably be more on this later.)

Thank you friends, for loving me.

haiku, haiku!

So I had different spurts of writing while I was at FUI. Usually on Sundays and after I came back from my site on a weekday. Basically when the apartment was the most quiet and I could hear my thoughts. On this day I decided to write haiku poetry. It's not amazing, but still fun.

These first two are about what God was telling me, and me trying to figure it out.

is the word i love,
from you? show your love to me
'cause my heart is weak.

get out of the boat
take a risk, walk on water
it is worthwhile

about the people in my apt, (both that lived there as well as just at the time):
lissah is cool, yeah!
really fashionable, mmm!
sleeping on the couch.
(hehe :))

monte is funny.
she is honorary mex
and my long-lost twin.

joyce wang, yeahhh boy!
she gets nervous when i stare
and screams when she's scared.

i call krista "cute"
'cause she really is, you know?
she makes awesome greenbeans, too!

julie makes the bread
usually with cheese on top
it is really good.

julie likes hot sauce
and is hardly ever bored
she makes me smile.

shannon is trendy
i am "sol sista" to her
she slides in her socks.

i like zoe's laugh
she and bryson are twinsies
i like bryson too.

i like zoe's laugh
she has grown much in FUI
i am glad she's here.

On the 99

Sunday, August 1st.
We were driving away.
Away from students, the Pink House, La Reina de Michoacan (the paleteria), away from the Fresno I know and love.
We stopped at In-N-Out and bought lunch like a family, and continued our drive up to Hilmar.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
I wasn't as emotional as I thought, and driving away at that moment felt right.
We drove up the 99, and I watched as the landscape changed from urban city to fields that ran as far as the eye could see.
We passed by a'mond trees-just seeing a lot of green with the contrast of yellow dying grass across the interstate to my right.
I was amazed at how vibrant the green was, and how much of it there was before my eyes.

And just as soon as I began to delight in how green the plants and grass were when I heard,
"This is what's going to happen to Fresno, Sol. It's going to grow and flourish."
"But will I get to see it in my lifetime?"
"You'll see it."

And I stopped to bask in the feeling that God was pulling me into.
I smiled and said, "Well whatever you're doing, you sound pretty excited."

And so I sat in that car, smiling and finally felt a little bit of the excitement that friends keep saying that God is feeling for my future plans.
So I wait, I wait for discernment.
I wait for the next year to breeze by like it has these past four years at UCLA.
I wait for God to speak His future plans for me.
I wait in the arms of my Papa who will hold me until I receive all these and more.

Floundering.

This is the first post i've written on an actual keyboard in a long time.

I'm floundering.
Floundering to stay present here when my heart is clearly somewhere else.
In the land where 90 degrees Fahrenheit is cool, where often mischievous 3.5 year old boys run around without pants on, where I can find the most delicious paletas I've ever tasted.
Fresno, CA.

I miss you.
I miss that the neighborhood has changed significantly yet not at all since 2008.
My heart is definitely there.

The trip to Target unnecessary, just like the 36 televisions lining one wall of the store. Too much, everywhere.
Family is trying to understand, but my patience and grace has to be stronger and more faithful than than the learning curve I think is too slow.


I miss the apartment of a thousand guests, a place that was always flowing with people; always filled with grace as we learned to live life together.

I miss that place and am floundering to retain memories, promises and gifts that I was given in the span of 6 weeks.

So today, I'll let the tears fall. Today I'll mourn that I'm here and not there.

I'll mourn that I continue to live here until Jesus calls me wherever he'd like me to go.

Which I deeply, deeply hope is Fresno, California.

So sweet.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
And to take him at his word;
Just to rest upon his promise,
And to know, "Thus saith the LORD."

Jesus, Jesus how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
And for grace to trust him more.

Fresno, CA.

I am sitting on the floor of the Pink House.
A place I love deeply and utterly because of what happened both when and since I was here two summers ago.
I feel the excitement of a summer filled with endless possibilities for God.

The responsibility is deeper.
I am called to lead, serve and encourage the group of about 30 students that will arrive on Wednesday.
And I know God will rock me.

He'll rock me in a way I'm sure; because I have asked, tried and pleaded that He would.
And now, I'm here.
In an opportunity that I didn't know would be offered to me. And I am so grateful.

Grateful to feel alive as I passed Motel Drive, to know that God wants to fulfill His will here in this city.
His city.

Jesus, may you be glorified in the ways in which this humble group of students and staff seek to love your people for your glory. May we speak, serve and love in your name.

And to you be all the glory.
Amen.

If you'd like to support me on this journey, please send letters (and checks, if you desire) to:

Sol Eufracio

c/o FUI

310 N. Roosevelt Ave

Fresno, CA 93701

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)

So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.