crumbling bridges.

crumbling bridges are hard to walk on.

the past few weeks i felt like i was losing my friendships.
 i haven't been as attentive as i've been very self focused.
throwing pity parties for myself and wanting others to baby me...
crumbling bridges are difficult to repair.

i spent a lot of time in my room and not really talking to friends.
trying to re-enter into deep conversations about their lives and what God has been up to...
it was awkward.

i felt the strain and the reminder that friendship is a two-way street. friendship, true friendship, is forged in the day to day... in the messy, ugly and also joyful...
but every aspect is important.

i have limited time left.
time to invest and learn, time to lay a foundation so these friends, brothers and sisters will be in my life forever.
yes, i want them to be aunts, uncles, mentors... the family that i will have as i continue on this journey of life-seeking the permanence of a home, the reflection of jesus in a mate, and the joy of small souls (get it?) running around my home that will be home base.

let the mixing of cement (for the foundation) begin. :)

you know that feeling?

that feeling where you finally get to tell that person everything you've been wanting to say?

that was saturday. Brother's Appreciation Night.

i knew that it'd be difficult to share the ways these men i call brothers mean to me, everything they've done for me and the rest of the women in our fellowship.
and by God's grace, it all came out.
i was able to share my story of redemption, love and the acceptance of my own beauty through these men.
God's grace has been able to rain down on me through the beautiful, amazing, crazy brothers i have in Christ.

and although we still struggle with not knowing what to say, having boundaries, and continuing to learn what it means to be vulnerable in order to have authentic relationships, i wouldn't trade this journey with them for another.

not solely because they make me laugh, hold my hand while i cry, or bring me medicine when i'm sick.
but because they are Jesus in so many shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, senses of humor and heights. they are the ones that reflect back to me so many things that i am always insecure of.
reminding me that i am fully loved, whether or not i make a joke that is worth laughing at, singing badly, or messed something up royally.

they love me just the same.
and because of that reflection of jesus' love...

i love my brothers.