thoughts on loving you.

i wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed together.
i wonder who you're with now
and if they love you as much as i do.

i worry about you,
whether you're being taken care of,
whether you're being loved the way you deserve.

i worry 'cause i believe
that no one can love you the way i do
the way i want to

and then i remember that it's not up to me,
you made that choice
and frankly,
i trust whatever God is trying to do in you
in me.

while i wait until you're reappearing
or whether i'll have to wonder
(deep breath)
always.

the flip side is that i feel i shouldn't.
you know?
(okay, maybe you really don't)
but after all this pain and genuine
absence from you

i feel like i shouldn't have these thoughts
at all.

may the Lord redeem you the way he's already
redeemed me
so that you know you deserve that kind of love

and not just from me.

Dad

I remember loving you.
It bothers me that I still do.

I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.

i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around

i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry

i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy

what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent

the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing

did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?

do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?

i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you

i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to

but even that isn't enough

1.14.09