Oh, Boy.

I find that I can't really focus, here's to hoping this'll help.

It's true, I haven't felt this way about a boy, ever.
One that truly inspires and challenges the way I look at Jesus and causes me to strive to see more of Him day by day.
He speaks, and my heart listens, wants to be lead. Being more than relieved that I am being lead, instead of leading.

And yet, as I sat across a new and dear friend after church on one Sunday, finally learning that 'boy' is not interested in me the way I am in him.
My heart breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Relief that I wouldn't have to worry about when, how, what this would look like if it (finally) worked out.
And suddenly, after having some time with my Papa...it all went away.
The feelings, the worry, the wondering, the wandering of my heart for 'boy'.

And as I started looking at mine and 'boy's friendship, I realized that our hearts aren't really compatible. At least not right now. My deep loves aren't meshed into his life, his plans for the future. My love of Latino people, my love of the city, my deep deep commitment to those that have walked life with me.
And I am grateful to Jesus, that he has walked beside me these past few years to know what I am needing more and more in the man I will eventually call Husband.

I need someone who 'gets me'...one who understands...
my commitment to those I have lead, served, served with...
my deep love of the city... I have fallen in love with both Fresno, CA and St.Louis, MO. I need someone who shares that with me.
my love of Latino community... I love my people, and I need someone who is willing to make a fool out of themselves as they eat spicy food, go salsa dancing and put up with my crazy (yet lovable) familia.

Yes, I'm grateful for this latest disappointment in a potential romantic relationship. Grateful because it's showing me more of who I am, more of what I need...and causing me to remember more of my friend L's words, "if it's not him, it'll be someone better!"

Thanks, Papa, for not letting me settle. :)

miedo.

i hate to say that i've lived most of my life in fear. miedo.

as a little girl, fear of monsters under my bed.
fear of when daddy came home, not knowing whether he'd be happy or angry in the next minute.
fear of waking up to a crying mama.
fear at not knowing how to console her.

in school, fear of not being wanted and accepted.
fear at failing at something once i had impressed someone.
fear that dad would come back and break the rhythm our household of women had created.

in high school and college, fear of boys.
fear of being loved, fear of being known and judged.
fear of having to share everything. todo.

now, some of the fears have remained. others have gone away, and new ones have surfaced.
today, i fear wanting to be known.
the want that is so insatiable. i crave for it, yet i fear risking my heart again.

i want to have deep, solid relationships.
for my hands to be held, for long abrazos from friends who feel like family.
to share laughter and culture over a meal.

i fear my values and passions being different and not understood.
questions not be asked, the depth of who i am not be sought.

tengo miedo.
i'm scared.

Shoreline

The beach has always been my refuge with sand that greets my feet with warmth, with water that is incredibly blue, and with gusts of wind that I can lose myself while I'm thinking, and while my feet walk parallel to the waves crashing onto the shore.
I love the beach, it's been where I go on days when I feel like singing so no one will hear, where I went when I got some soul stirring news...where I go to spend some time with my Papa.
It's where I rest.

It's appropriate that the church I find myself in is called, Shoreline. And just like my thoughts on the beach, Shoreline has become a haven. A haven in the middle of Westwood, amidst all the young college students who are figuring out life. I've found a haven.
Yes, it's completely and utterly different than what I pictured my church would look like after InterVarsity. It's not as diverse as I pictured, not as showy in it's love... but it's become the place where I rest.
Interesting, isn't it?
It's become the place where I anchor myself and ready myself for the week. It's where new, deep and real friendships have emerged from and where I grow with every new Sunday, every new teaching.
It's where I sing so that no one will hear, but that everyone might. It's where I am shyly learning to speak my voice and change the church with my gifting and insight.
I come here to spend time with my Papa, but also with my brothers and sisters.

:)

'Cause I need more stuff?

During this season of looking for a job, applying for a job, interviewing for a job, and ultimately getting and starting a job, I've had to borrow a lot of money from folks.
I've also been convicted of how I spend my money.

I don't spend money on expensive shoes or dresses, but I am really irresponsible with money.
I eat out more than I should, I get excited having money, so I just spend it.
'Cause I can.

We never had much while I was growing up. We always wore hand-me-downs, shopped at thift stores, didn't go to the movies...so I guess I see having money as my own way to fulfill what I wanted as a kid. Getting everything I have my eye on, or just buying it 'cause there's money in my bank account.
'Cause I can.

However difficult this season has been, it has allowed me to observe and analyze my priorities.
The question was and still is, What will I do when I finally get paid?
Will my spending habits be the same?

Borrowing money from friends and family has caused me to begin to internalize the Truth,
this is not my money.
This is God's money that he has given me so that I might use it wisely to bless those around me.
Paying my rent on time so that I serve my roommate who fronts it every month,
paying utilities so that we can all take hot showers and host those we have over when they need to crash for a night,
having extra money in case someone (like me the past 4 months) can borrow if they need
...
you get the idea.

So, ask me about money. Ask me what I'm doing to discipline myself. I'll probably get uncomfortable, but remind me that the past 4.5 years have been unsuccessful in being responsible with the monetary resources I've been given.

'Cause, no, I don't need more stuff.

One Word

A friend, Alece, asked me to consider having one word for 2011.
One word to focus in my year, one word that would allow me to see more of Jesus and what he has for me.

It came abruptly, but confidently.
Follow.

Follow because I tend to think my actions only affect me.
I tend to make decisions on my own and then have to do a lot of apologizing for the same reason.
I get hurt because I do not listen for what He has for me, where He wants me to go.

Follow because there will be a lot of big decisions that I'll need to make this year.
Decisions affecting my future, community, relationships.

Follow because that implies actually following Jesus. Going where he goes, listening for his direction, leaning into him when I'm tired, letting him hold me when I feel scared or lost, and being disciplined in doing these faithfully.

I will follow.

[14].

I decided to start over. I was originally going to write a poem, something that would sound hokey and possibly make you chuckle, but I realized that's not really me.

Well, not always, so I'll stick to what I know.

We've seen a lot of life together.

We have cried, laughed until our sides have hurt and have held each other's hands as we've learned to see God in situations that simply do not make sense.

You've extended grace and mercy to me time and time again; often, by you choosing to come into my world and remind me that this too shall pass.

You're one of the greatest friends I never asked for, and one of my most treasured gifts.

I love you more than I could say, and honestly, I don't really know why I'm trying.

Thank you for loving me the way I need to be loved, for being so intentional that I don't even have to ask

 ...

you're already doing something to fix whatever jam I find myself in.

Thanks for being the person I was always too afraid to ask for,

one who understands me, knowing that exclaiming that I need a cookie actually meant emotional turmoil, reading my facial expressions (you know, that day when I wanted to "punch the world"), 

loaning me your Dad 'cause mine's out of commission,

for making me smile, challenging the things I think I can't do...

that's why you're my twin, my sister

forever.

Happy birthday, Monte.

  

On a Friday.

I'm trying to keep up with the 100 Joys project, but it proves difficult with finals this week.
However, here are the ways I'm seeing joy.


My prayer since the beginning of October has been that I would find family here, in Shoreline (the church I attend), that our small group would feel, act and lean on each other as a family. It's happening.
We're learning to share things that we need to lean on each other, things that we need to share because they're joyful. Learning to trust each other though it's awkward and uncomfortable. Sharing about the search for jobs, why we're so excited for the holidays, telling and listening to each other as we share where God is calling us, feeling known [6].
I'm finding joy in the small things, like worshiping alongside these men from my small group, mingling my voice with their deeper ones [7].

 UCLA has been quiet, for me, anyway. Paper writing is easy, even though it is time consuming, so I've spent a lot of time in my apartment. It has been my joy to have our apartment as a way to bless people [8]. Hosting friends who work late or just want space to hang out.
  In the quiet, it's been great to have space to just sit. To be with a God who wants to know me in every way that is possible, that strives to satisfy who I am. Knowing that I have him as a father is wonder enough [9].
And in the spaces when the apartment isn't still, there are many adventures to be had with my roommate, Winnie. Spending time putting puzzles together, making hot chocolate, watching countless movies... every night is completely different [10].

Dancing in my living room [11]. Dancing because today I got a call from my soon-to-be boss. I have applied, interviewed and waited for timing and skills to workout so that I might land a job. Or should I say, for God to provide the right job. I have a job I will probably start in a week. Infinite possibilities. And a lot of learning. :)

Having a (large) community of people to share good news with [12]. I was able to instantly call friends (that's you, J), share over GChat and update folks on Facebook. It has been so joyful to have folks celebrate with me after a season of waiting and perseverance.

Glory be to God.
Amen.

MOMENTUM: New Community

This is the fifth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

She left her phone number and email, just like she said she would. 

It still didn't explain why I was so excited.

Michelle from West LA Baptist Church had spoken with me and three other women previously involved with InterVarsity about their Women's ministry.

She said they were looking for "younger" women in whom to invest.

God had been speaking to me that it was time to find a solid group of women to get connected to.
Hence, getting excited over Michelle.
I felt like this was the nudge I needed to admit that I needed a new community of folks to live life with.
Yes, it'd be hard, but necessary.

And it has been.
Although I have not committed to West LA Baptist, I have begun my journey in a new community.
It's been difficult and awkward, but it's been worth it.
I mentioned at the beginning of this series, that I had to leave BCF so that I might grow.
So that my spiritual life wouldn't deteriorate.
And I have found that I have been welcomed, challenged and supported as I've entered this new area of my journey with Jesus.
As I've committed to investing in the new family I've found at Shoreline.
I have found my love of the Word to be one that has grown stronger as my community group and I tackle questions and epiphanies that we've had since hearing Sunday's talk, and it's been amazing to see how we're able to support each other as we face joys and heartache.

To God be all the glory.
Amen.

Let Yourself Be Carried

Earlier this week, I felt pressed down, frustrated. Broken. I couldn't see Jesus, I didn't understand what he was doing or why. I ultimately decided to reach out to close friends of mine, friends who had (for the past 2 years) seen the best and the worst of me.
These friends encouraged me, affirmed me and reminded me of God's goodness. The Truth that countless times before, Jesus has provided. Jesus has provided when folks have seemed the most desperate, when things look and feel hard. This reminded me of the story in Mark 2, where Jesus heals a man who is paralyzed.

 ¹ A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. ² They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. ³ Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. ⁴ Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. ⁵ When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

 

I remember studying this passage 3 years, ago; being struck by the commitment of the paralytic's friends to get him to Jesus. I mean, seriously, the friends of the paralytic ripped open the roof above where Jesus was because they were so desperate for him to know Jesus. They carried their friend to Jesus when he couldn't get there on his own.

Similar to what my friends did for me this past Tuesday. They understood my need and did whatever it took to make sure that I saw Jesus and was met by him. I was slowly able to leave the anxiety, and fear behind me, knowing full well that Jesus had not only forgiven my lack of trust in him, but still waits to give me a perfect gift. And as I slowly realized that God is still good despite my circumstances, I grew more and more grateful that my friends were that committed to me in order to carry me back to Jesus.

What are areas in your life in which you need to let yourself be carried to Jesus?

haiku, haiku!

So I had different spurts of writing while I was at FUI. Usually on Sundays and after I came back from my site on a weekday. Basically when the apartment was the most quiet and I could hear my thoughts. On this day I decided to write haiku poetry. It's not amazing, but still fun.

These first two are about what God was telling me, and me trying to figure it out.

is the word i love,
from you? show your love to me
'cause my heart is weak.

get out of the boat
take a risk, walk on water
it is worthwhile

about the people in my apt, (both that lived there as well as just at the time):
lissah is cool, yeah!
really fashionable, mmm!
sleeping on the couch.
(hehe :))

monte is funny.
she is honorary mex
and my long-lost twin.

joyce wang, yeahhh boy!
she gets nervous when i stare
and screams when she's scared.

i call krista "cute"
'cause she really is, you know?
she makes awesome greenbeans, too!

julie makes the bread
usually with cheese on top
it is really good.

julie likes hot sauce
and is hardly ever bored
she makes me smile.

shannon is trendy
i am "sol sista" to her
she slides in her socks.

i like zoe's laugh
she and bryson are twinsies
i like bryson too.

i like zoe's laugh
she has grown much in FUI
i am glad she's here.

My heart

is quite insecure.

As the year is winding down and I am entering this new phase of life, of growing up and finding a genuine community outside of BCF-

I need to be reassured that friendships are staying friendships.

And that You (and you) aren't going anywhere.

Change, it's in your pocket.

As I walked to my last final of this year, I tapped my back pocket to make sure I had the necessary BruinCard and room key. I also found a silver Half Dollar.
My initial reaction was of surprise, "When did I get a half dollar and put it in my pocket?"
(insert the BCF Visioning Team quoting the phrase, "Change- it's in your pocket.")
The second was a smile, how random but very nice to have it there. I dropped it back in.

I could go on about the significance of my childhood said half dollar represents, but instead I've been thinking (and thinking) about the change that has already come. I've had a good run, you know.
I've laughed, cried harder than I ever thought I'd cry in front of people, and shared secrets as well as song with friends that will probably be friends for the rest of my life.

Now I listen to the sounds of boxes being thrown around in a feeble attempt to pack efficiently, laundry carts on their way up to rooms and back to the turnaround to load things into cars and ultimately have it driven away to its home.

Yes, change is here. And there isn't really anything I can do to stop it.
So here I go.

the weekend.

did it exceed expectations?
oh yeah.

the weekend began with celebrating the way Jesus met my friends on Thursday.
risk led to an experience, which led to me crying tears of joy.

friday night, Hedrick Con.
it was an awesome way of bonding with community, serving and loving friends who have become vital to my peace of mind, spiritual growth and knowledge of who Jesus is.
favorite moments:
*playing husband and wife (ask, if you don't know what i'm talking about) and hitting the ground so hard, I got rug burn...and a gnarly scrape that i'm more than slightly proud of.

saturday, continuation of Hedrick Con and CACN.
*sharing our memorials and essentially sharing our stories with each other. you always hear bits and pieces of what is happening for folks, but actually hearing and seeing what God has done, is simply amazing.
*the ride to and from UCLA to the OC. it was an awesome way to spend time with rachelle, andy, a.ro and joey! we bonded over music, the game of connection, and trying to not fall asleep on each other's shoulders after the weekend was over (we didn't accomplish that last one).
*the mad dash back to UCLA for CACN. eating yoshinoya at lightning fast speed, driving back, dropping stuff off and then making it to royce only a couple minutes after 7pm when the show started.

sunday, UCLA Powwow with the family and Leaders Meeting
*waking up late and showering, ultimately seeing my mom and sisterS! exclamation on the plural, i didn't know my eldest sister would be here so that was awesome! we ate frybread (so yummy!) and laughed a LOT! it was one of the best days i've had in a long time.
*leaders: singing, thanking God, sharing what our souls need... i'm always blessed at these meetings. i think of the choir of legions that is singing alongside with us as we praise the Lord...so amazing.
*extended grace upon me by the hedrick leaders. love and grace felt powerful, i'll carry that night with me for a long time to come.

jesus i praise you for a weekend full of reflection, community, vulnerability and joy beyond all measure.

sean a Ti, toda la gloria y la honra.
amen.