Visitor's Day

I was exhausted at the end of this Saturday.
I was wiped.
I crawled to bed.
It was the best kind of tired.
The tired of hanging out with 25 of your favorite people in the place that you love.
That day was the best I had spent, the most giving day.
The day I understood what it meant to be loved quite tangibly.
I questioned whether you who said you were coming would.
I doubted because I hadn't been reassured.
And lo and behold, there were the people I so eagerly wanted to see.
They had not reassured me because they were coming.
I just didn't know that.
And yes, learning to trust them and the other 23 folks that came was like breathing deeply after holding my breath for a long time.
You see, I question my friendships a lot. Especially now.
Now when I am not fully immersed in our UCLA InterVarsity fellowship.
And so having promises kept is a really big deal for me.
Promises spoken matter of factly at the end of conversation.
Promises where friends understand what FUI has meant to me, and why it was so important to have visitors come and support me in the place where God continues to work so powerfully.
(There'll probably be more on this later.)

Thank you friends, for loving me.

i lied.

i said the reason i was leaving was because i had work in the morning and i wanted to sleep.
not entirely true.

i do have work in the morning, and sundays are the most difficult mornings to wake up,
but there's also... this.

my heart feels like weeping.

there are so many things that are overwhelming yet still unexplicable today.
like me going back to the familiar and unhealthy regarding me. regarding you.
feeling the sense of loss, having it penetrate dreams that wake me unrested and without peace.
wondering and sincerely hoping that they won't come to pass.
i really want peace.

'cause the when i am embraced by You through friends and loved ones...i wish they wouldn't end.
i wish that tonight you would all stay in that room as i fall asleep... to scare the dreams away and that i would be with you in that room, in this time and place forever.
'cause i'm more scared about what comes next than i care to admit, and i'm hoping that the promises from You and my family both here and back home aren't just empty promises.

i need these to be more real than what we've already shared.
than what i've already given you.

and that's why i'm typing all of this, letting brooke fraser's "love is waiting" wash over me yet again,
so that i can remember that tonight, and tomorrow when i wake up...
love is waiting.

At the beach on a Sunday

I keep talking and thinking about how refreshing going to the beach was last Sunday.
It was great. Just when I felt I needed to get away and unplug from the hustle and bustle of UCLA, a friend offered to drive me.
There were a few things I was holding onto, the InterVarsity internship as well as other emotional things that I felt I needed to let go of in a tangible way.

Arriving at the beach was the most anticipation I've felt in a long time. My feet touched the sand and I was suddenly in a place where I could breathe and I could listen as well as be heard.

I sat and just took in the space. The sand, the water, the people. I soon stood up because of the wind, and started walking along the water. I think better that way, when I'm doing something. My mind soon drifted to my memories on the same beach as a kid, walking with my mom and talking to her about school, dreams for the future and everything a kid tells their mom on a lazy summer day.

Soon the question posed to me by the Big Guy was, what do you want for your life?
That's a pretty big question, Dad.
I soon noticed a few people on the beach: a pregnant woman with her husband and two year old daughter, a young boy jumping into the ocean, as well as an older couple walking through the beach.
That's what I want.
I want to have a family, a few dates along the way, stability...adventure.

I later wrote the interaction that went through my head, in my journal, it reads:

  "I sat on that last one for a bit. Do I really want adventure? Wow, I do. That was kind of a revelation in itself. I felt You whisper, 'that's why you didn't get the internship. You would have stayed in InterVarsity, you would have stayed in LA, you would have STAYED. I want adventure for you.'

Wow.

There's a moment when you realize you're important to God, that he wants amazing things for you, better than what you want for yourself. I actually heard it from God.

 It was crazy to think that the plans I had for myself, the thing I'd worked toward, God thought was not enough for me. Not enough for me to settle for, for me he wants adventure-to try on a few things and to ultimately settle on what is best for me.A completely different adventure than I had in mind."

I remember that at the beach was an incredible sense of peace, any lingering doubt regarding, "Why?" and "Why not?" were obliterated. 
I was able to see God's goodness, mercy and the intense tenderness he has for me.
Talk about a beautiful Sunday afternoon. :)