as i sat by the ocean, you said, "let go."

and Dad, although it's taken me a while to get here,
i think i'm there.

ready to walk away and not be bitter, not be resentful.
i understand why you blessed me with him,
why we're such good friends and the amazing
redemption
that i've received as i've seen more of his soul.
more of mine.

the more i look into his face
into his character,
i see You.

i see the ways he strives to please you,
love you,
honor You.

he's pledged his life to you,
and Daddy,
that's a beautiful thing.

his heart is beautiful,
the way he cares for me
the way he loves his family
although it's difficult,
there's been disappointment

i see the way he's following You,
following You to the cross day after day
praising You along the way
praying that you'll make his heart
more and more like yours.

it is.
every day.

most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

delight.

i remember sitting on the plane coming back from urbana, sitting next to a family of four: mom, dad, brother and daughter.
i felt especially curious about the smallest one, a little girl who was wearing pink pants, pink sneakers, curly hair wearing headphones on her head. she was singing as the plane made itself down the jetway, and ultimately took off. she was having a blast.
i was watching her, asking her dad to change the music, requesting songs...actually it was just one song, on repeat.

i remember watching her and being fascinated. she was just so cute.
her hair, face, and tiny hands and feet were an absolute delight to see.
so beautiful.
i almost giggled out loud as she continued to sing, as she just did what she knew what to do.

a small question floated through the din of the airplane turbulation,
do You delight in me as much as I delight in her?

i didn't hear a response, i just got a feeling of affirmation.
as if You were saying,
of course, but you knew that already.

i smiled.
Lord, I still don't understand how you can find me that
cute,
endearing,
cherished...
i don't get it.

but as i continued to look at her and laugh in joy at who she was and how she slightly danced in her seat and sang unabashedly, i couldn't help but disagree.

i'm holding back.

today was so beautiful.
even the night was beautiful, the moon was so bright.

yet here i sit, unable to really engage with You.

i couldn't today.
almost like i was mad at you...
there are just some buttons i don't like pushed.

and you push them anyway.

a walk-through.

i think i learned this weekend what it means to walk through this journey.
so much of this year, my life has felt like a sprint.

i feel like this weekend i was walking...enjoying the scenery, the time, the puddles.
everything.

it was kinda beautiful.

even my work training on saturday was nice.
ha, training was nice.

praise be to God for rest.

untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom

July 24, 2009

I want to be loved, like everyone else.
I want to know that I am cherished by someone, that someone is living because I am.
That they look forward to seeing me, holding me, and making me smile.
A smile that only they see.
I want to be in love.

I am amazed at how you love me.
You wake me with a song, a smile, the sunrise...
It really doesn't matter, you make me smile and you make me truly happy.
I know I am cherished by you, you tell me almost every day.
I know I am loved unconditionally by you, you are the one that chose me.

I know life wouldn't be the same without you, the relationship we have is one of the ages.
The love I receive from you is one so beautiful that I could weep, and sometimes I do.
Your reminder of me being your beloved one often strikes me.
I can hardly understand how much love you have for me.
I shouldn't be loved by you this way.


You give me joy to smile and live day to day.
You shower me with love, my heart overflows with it.
And I dance and sing because you do.
"He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will...rejoice over you with singing."
I am Your beloved.

[Quotation from Zephaniah 3:17]

Hug Me (Please)

Abrazame by Camila

Tienes que saber
Que es lo último que pido,
Que estoy desesperado
Y según mis latidos
No me queda mucho
Tiempo a mi favor.

Y antes de perder
De vista mi camino
Quiero mirarte un poco
Y soñar que el destino
Es junto a tí, mi amor.

Quédate un segundo aquí
A hacerme compañía,
Y quédate tantito más
Quiero sentirte mía.

CORO
Y abrázame... y abrázame...
Y abrázame... y abrázame...

Hoy me he dado cuenta
Que no había sentido
Tanto miedo antes,
Que yo no decido
Que Dios lo hace mejor.

Y antes de perder
De vista mi camino
Quiero mirarte un poco
Y soñar que el destino
Es junto a tí, mi amor.

Quédate un segundo aquí
A hacerme compañía,
Y quédate tantito más
Quiero sentirte mía.

CORO

Dame una razón para quedarme
Yo no quiero tu compasión,
Quiero que estes conmigo
Hasta que me haya ido...

CORO (x2)

Tienes que saber
Que es lo último que pido,
Que estoy desesperado
Y según mis latidos
No me queda mucho
Tiempo a mi favor...

I guess I'm on a Camila/any-sappy-song-will-do phase. Honestly, i just really like this song.
Yes, it's up on YouTube, it's beautiful. Listen. :)