Canta.

Singing is my vulnerable spot. Probably because I enjoy it (a lot) yet don't feel like my voice holds a candle to the rest of the voices surrounding me.
So when my friend, E said it was finally time to perform this song ("Let That Be Enough" by Switchfoot) outside of his room, for more than five of our closest friends, I said yes. However, I didn't think that Senior Catalyst (InterVarsity's large group gathering put on by the Senior class every year) would be the biggest risk I ever did take in BCF.

That Thursday night was me putting myself out there (I felt the most vulnerable I've ever felt); knowing I wasn't the best singer in our class, that my voice would not be flawless, but deciding to sing anyway.

Singing because I have a story to tell.

A story of redemption- singing with the man that has challenged my mind and caused me to check the motives of my heart. Not to mention that he aggressively encouraged me (for about a year) to do this song. I could not have done it without him. I have learned to much of God's love through him, and learning what it means to live in the constant want of letting God's love be enough for me.
A story of grief- the first time I heard this song was five days after my stepfather passed away, liking this song, and having the melody and the line, "I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land," stuck in my head for a long time after initially hearing it.
A story of healing-a year after, seeing the ways God has been doing a healing work in me. Shattering guilt, shame and reminding me that I am His. That his love is constant, no matter what I fail to do and no matter how I mess up.
My story- it has become a story of dependence on Jesus. Learning more and more what it means to follow him in the moments when I don't know what comes next, the moments when I'm tired, the moments when I think he doesn't know what he's doing.

My life and my story has become this song, and may that be enough.


Amen.

do i love you enough?

"Do you love me enough to let me go?"

do i?
I was listening to Switchfoot's Hello Hurricane album, the song "Enough To Let Me Go", and I thought of you.

i keep thinking about where we're at, how much i've learned from you, and how much our friendship has allowed God to affirm me and see more of him in you.

now that we're in a new place the question comes up, do i love you enough to let you go?
i know you're not going anywhere.
i know our friendship is strong; rooted in Jesus, trust in one another, and the reality of our brokenness.
and i know that God is good and has my best interests in mind.
there's great comfort in these.

see the problem is that i trust you and i trust me.
do i trust God and his plan for me?
not necessarily, especially since i can't see it.

fall quarter i felt the Lord asking me to let go, but i wasn't feeling it. i didn't want to.
now i see it, i see the ways in which letting go was protection, a whisper of guidance in love for me.
this whole process has been me learning how to have a process of learning how to trust men; men who have typically hurt me in the past.

i praise the Lord for his mercy, patience and immense grace in freeing me from my emotional dependence on a man. i praise him that i can share and live life with men in order to create a full picture of the image of God (see Genesis).

at this point, you're probably thinking back to my initial question, "do i love you enough to let you go?"
the answer, yes. it will be hard, and some days will be more difficult than others, but i love you so much that i can't wait to see the happiness that the Lord has for you in seeing more of Him. in whatever form it comes.