Thursday, May 27, 2010


i still have a difficult time receiving love. not being open when friends and family want to serve me, learning the hard way that they're doing it because they love me.

this is an interesting reality to live in.
living in the constant, want, need to be loved, yet not knowing how to receive that when it is shown to me.
the words, "i'm not going anywhere" are powerful.
too often not spoken, my heart often questioning how long friendships will last and why.
what do i have to offer you?

when L and P called me and said, we want to get you food, my first thought was, "why?"
my heart doubted the goodness of a free delivered meal.
(it was delicious too.)
i love these two dearly, i know their hearts, yet i doubted.

how many times have i doubted You?
i know Your heart, i know that you love me, yet when perfect and good things are presented to me,
i doubt.
i believe you will still give me a stone instead of bread, that my heart will continue to be broken time and time again.

"you are lovable. i guess you've questioned that before."
as i resisted hug after hug from a new friend made in St. Louis, these words were spoken to me.
i stopped.
yes, i question that just about every day.
the scars of the men in my life who didn't see me as lovable haven't faded.
i don't see lovable when i look in the mirror, don't feel particularly lovable when i walk down to campus.
yet, there it was.
said to me point blank so i had to hear it.

i often wonder how long it will take for my heart to see, hear, and taste the goodness of the love You shower upon me every single day through my friends, my family.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

as i sat by the ocean, you said, "let go."

and Dad, although it's taken me a while to get here,
i think i'm there.

ready to walk away and not be bitter, not be resentful.
i understand why you blessed me with him,
why we're such good friends and the amazing
that i've received as i've seen more of his soul.
more of mine.

the more i look into his face
into his character,
i see You.

i see the ways he strives to please you,
love you,
honor You.

he's pledged his life to you,
and Daddy,
that's a beautiful thing.

his heart is beautiful,
the way he cares for me
the way he loves his family
although it's difficult,
there's been disappointment

i see the way he's following You,
following You to the cross day after day
praising You along the way
praying that you'll make his heart
more and more like yours.

it is.
every day.

a man of my own.

i visited A and all i wanted to do was take care of him.
you know, the way a girlfriend would.
to hold his hand to reassure him i was there,
to kiss the top of his head when i said goodbye.
no, friends, i am not falling for A.
my heart is still in that place where it's been for a little over a year (wow).

i'm paying attention to my heart,
the ways it wants to open itself up to the possibilities of being vulnerable and honest to the end of being known.

i am learning the kind of man i want.
a man who will ask me a bunch of questions,
'cause most of the time i don't know how much to say.
he'll laugh at all my stupid and sometimes witty jokes,
'cause i like being reassured that i'm somewhat funny.
he'll know how to read me. know how far to push when i get quiet.
'cause sometimes i pretend everything's fine when i really want you to ask "what's wrong?"
be able to read from my smile that's it's the polite one instead of the one that reaches my eyes.
know that when i say, "i like that shirt" it means "i like you in that shirt."
learning the areas of my life i don't like to touch 'cause i get emotional,
but will still ask in case i need to talk about it.
a man that will call me out of whatever funk i'm in 'cause days are better when i smile.
even weakly.

i want to be in that place where i can trust that man.
fully knowing that he's there to challenge and protect me.
'cause he loves me.

my heart feels ready.
ready to dare, ready to risk.
ready to love.
completely and fully.

the way i've already been loved.
by You.

Monday, May 17, 2010

most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

Friday, May 14, 2010

thoughts on loving you.

i wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed together.
i wonder who you're with now
and if they love you as much as i do.

i worry about you,
whether you're being taken care of,
whether you're being loved the way you deserve.

i worry 'cause i believe
that no one can love you the way i do
the way i want to

and then i remember that it's not up to me,
you made that choice
and frankly,
i trust whatever God is trying to do in you
in me.

while i wait until you're reappearing
or whether i'll have to wonder
(deep breath)

the flip side is that i feel i shouldn't.
you know?
(okay, maybe you really don't)
but after all this pain and genuine
absence from you

i feel like i shouldn't have these thoughts
at all.

may the Lord redeem you the way he's already
redeemed me
so that you know you deserve that kind of love

and not just from me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i realized

that i'm generally pretty hasty
when it comes to writing.

i should slow down.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I dream
to hold you in my arms

I dream
to hold you in my arms

Wide awake,
in my arms


Sunday, May 9, 2010

i lied.

i said the reason i was leaving was because i had work in the morning and i wanted to sleep.
not entirely true.

i do have work in the morning, and sundays are the most difficult mornings to wake up,
but there's also... this.

my heart feels like weeping.

there are so many things that are overwhelming yet still unexplicable today.
like me going back to the familiar and unhealthy regarding me. regarding you.
feeling the sense of loss, having it penetrate dreams that wake me unrested and without peace.
wondering and sincerely hoping that they won't come to pass.
i really want peace.

'cause the when i am embraced by You through friends and loved ones...i wish they wouldn't end.
i wish that tonight you would all stay in that room as i fall asleep... to scare the dreams away and that i would be with you in that room, in this time and place forever.
'cause i'm more scared about what comes next than i care to admit, and i'm hoping that the promises from You and my family both here and back home aren't just empty promises.

i need these to be more real than what we've already shared.
than what i've already given you.

and that's why i'm typing all of this, letting brooke fraser's "love is waiting" wash over me yet again,
so that i can remember that tonight, and tomorrow when i wake up...
love is waiting.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


sometimes i stop and wonder why so much crap happens.
why i screw up, why others do...why we can't avoid it.

You say i'm called to be free, that i am called to those difficult places where my soul hurts and i am forced to see you in it.

i complain 'cause i'm a complainer (some of the time),
but i also can't help but express joy when promises like this
prove to be true. real.

thank you jesus for calling me into those difficult places,
for molding me to be more like you,
and for piecing me together in the places that are broken
when my life feels obliterated.

you, my daughter, are called to be free. 

and Papa, today, i choose freedom. :)

Your Beloved.

Lord it was You who
Created the Heavens
Lord it was Your hand 
That put the stars in their place

Lord it is Your voice 
That commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves
Bow at Your feet

Lord who am I
Compared to Your glory, Oh Lord
Lord who am I
Compared to Your majesty

I am Your beloved
Your creation
And You love me as I am

You have called me chosen
For your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own
I am Your beloved.

You know, for the longest time, I didn't like this song. Particularly the questioning bit.
It made me feel less. I felt like the song was glorifying creation and making me less.
The thought process was, "Lord, who am I? I can't compare to stars or the ocean..."
But I am Your beloved, you love me even though I can't compare to those things. It was finally
at our large group meeting with InterVarsity that I realized that the beloved part is the response that God
has for us, as we question our place, our beauty, everything... he comes back and says, you're my beloved.
He loves me the same (more, I'd wager) than the rest of creation. And that is an awe-inspiring thing.

Monday, May 3, 2010


i always think of unity as the final product.
the end of the journey of embracing our differences, similarities, becoming one.
 the final product, unity being unshakeable.

the reality was that black wednesday was a picture of unity. there were new faces (mainly, ours), and the topic was unity. seeing the faces of my brothers and sisters in a setting created for our african american brothers and sisters made me uncomfortable.
i didn't know what to say, to approach and introduce myself, to offer cheesecake... i just didn't know.

i got a couple looks from folks, either suspicious or wondering what i was doing there.
i'm not black. nope.

i was really proud of us though, i was proud that the community that i love and am a part of, was sharing out of our abundance. sharing cheesecake, our time... and doing so freely.
as time went on, it got a little difficult to stand and feel like an outsider. watching potential new friends grab name tags and cheesecake and head back to their comfort zone, back with friends they already know.

however, it was joy to see new friends engage with new faces, different skin tones... new everything.
it was joy to learn their names, offer cheesecake and love them the way we could at that particular moment.

joy because it reminded me of the promise of love and reconciliation. a promise i received on the other side of the country, where time seems to slow down and where i was able to see friends both new and old with new eyes.
recognizing that there is beauty in everyone i see.

wednesday was good. :)
i learned that unity isn't the final product, that unity is worked for. it may seem unattainable, but we keep working toward it to foster and maintain a united community.
sure, it'll be uncomfortable, but having a community where you can be yourself amidst those that are different than you is well worth it, don't you think?

the weekend.

did it exceed expectations?
oh yeah.

the weekend began with celebrating the way Jesus met my friends on Thursday.
risk led to an experience, which led to me crying tears of joy.

friday night, Hedrick Con.
it was an awesome way of bonding with community, serving and loving friends who have become vital to my peace of mind, spiritual growth and knowledge of who Jesus is.
favorite moments:
*playing husband and wife (ask, if you don't know what i'm talking about) and hitting the ground so hard, I got rug burn...and a gnarly scrape that i'm more than slightly proud of.

saturday, continuation of Hedrick Con and CACN.
*sharing our memorials and essentially sharing our stories with each other. you always hear bits and pieces of what is happening for folks, but actually hearing and seeing what God has done, is simply amazing.
*the ride to and from UCLA to the OC. it was an awesome way to spend time with rachelle, andy, and joey! we bonded over music, the game of connection, and trying to not fall asleep on each other's shoulders after the weekend was over (we didn't accomplish that last one).
*the mad dash back to UCLA for CACN. eating yoshinoya at lightning fast speed, driving back, dropping stuff off and then making it to royce only a couple minutes after 7pm when the show started.

sunday, UCLA Powwow with the family and Leaders Meeting
*waking up late and showering, ultimately seeing my mom and sisterS! exclamation on the plural, i didn't know my eldest sister would be here so that was awesome! we ate frybread (so yummy!) and laughed a LOT! it was one of the best days i've had in a long time.
*leaders: singing, thanking God, sharing what our souls need... i'm always blessed at these meetings. i think of the choir of legions that is singing alongside with us as we praise the amazing.
*extended grace upon me by the hedrick leaders. love and grace felt powerful, i'll carry that night with me for a long time to come.

jesus i praise you for a weekend full of reflection, community, vulnerability and joy beyond all measure.

sean a Ti, toda la gloria y la honra.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


i know i won't get it right
i mess up most of the time
but even as i fail
He blesses me anyway
(that's grace)

You are my beloved.

failure isn't the end.
it's a new beginning.

let the beloved of the Lord
rest secure in him, for he
shields her all day long and the one
the Lord loves, rests between his shoulders.

every breath is a second chance.