Thursday, September 30, 2010

I have nothing left

but to trust in You.
always in You.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


What does that even mean?
I finally learned how to rest in the summer context.
To learn what to cut out as I worked with an agency, cooked dinner, did laundry, went to church and occassionally walking to get paletas with a friend.
I learned during FUI that you have to do whatever it takes to spend time with Jesus.
There's beauty in being in a place for 6 weeks where I knew I was meant to hear from Jesus, learn more about his character, his people, and rest as I did so.

I did a lot of writing. I understand how my mind works, how my soul longs to be at ease as I go about a lot of changes.

I learned to lean on Jesus during this time. To have eyes, ears and a heart that sought what Jesus was trying to teach me. What Jesus was trying to show us, those that were His hands and feet for six weeks in downtown Fresno.

Now, I wonder what rest even means.
I know I am meant to spend time with Jesus, to learn from the situations and circumstances surrounding me. I guess the hiccup is, I don't know how to do that.
The past four years I have failed at seeing, hearing and having a heart that sought out what Jesus was teaching me; at least I've failed at doing so while studying, cooking, and taking care of extra curricular activities.

It's funny that sometimes in the midst of serving students who are seeking to see more of Jesus and striving to be more like him, I wouldn't rest. To be honest, sometimes I wouldn't just 'cause I could get away with it. I'd push to see how far I could push until I felt completely dry.

And other times, I would just get to wrapped up in doing, doing, doing. So I would claim I just couldn't rest. And then, I would be moody, cranky and less than gracious as I complained that no one cared about me. No one seemed to care that I wasn't okay. But really,

who's responsibility is it?

I compare it to a vacation. It's the best, sweetest and cheapest vacation I could take. It's a trip to the beach, an art museum (oh, LACMA and CAFAM), sitting on a grassy hill...
my time with Jesus is truly a vacation. I get to sit with my Best Friend, unload any emotional stress I'm under, go to a new place just because, and not feel guilty for it.
It is weird that I'm just now putting this all together? I guess I don't care that it took this long, 'cause it very well could have taken another 4 years.

So now I re-learn how to rest. Rest while on the run.
Bring it on.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Throughout my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship

Monday, September 6, 2010

I made a mistake.

By not believing enough in my friends.
I have kept their things theirs, my own to myself. Their interests, their problems, their families.
I haven't wanted to fuse our lives as I now see that I should.
Meshing our stuff, our cultures, our food.
Our problems, our sin, all of our mess.

What is the point of true friendship if you don't commit to it?
The friendships I want are ones that are deep. Real.
So I'm going to start pursuing real friendships.
Talking about, and showing the things that I am passionate about. The things that I want to invest in, opening the door for them to join in with me.
Opening the door to making my friendships deep. Real.

So off the top of my head, these are the things I love. The things I invest in, the things I pray, lose sleep over, and cry over.

Military personnel: I try to write two letters every week to Soldiers and other military personnel. I have a soft spot for the military. I hope to one day make a great military friend to be able to support them while they're on deployment.

Latino issues: I love Latino people! The Lord has blessed me with a deep, deep love for the people I come from. I seek to have my life reflect the redemption that can come from having someone love their own culture while loving everyone else's. Racial rec, here I come.

The inner city: I have had the pleasure of visiting two cities, both Fresno, CA and St. Louis, MO. It was there that God affirmed and then reaffirmed my love of the inner city. I have a deep love of Fresno and St. Louis, coupled with a deep desire to go back to the places where I see God's people quite clearly.

Letter writing: I am an old soul when it comes to letters. They're my preferred mode of communication. The best day is when I go to the mailbox and and find a letter from someone I love instead of junk mail or bills.

Books: My favorite pass time. I usually read before sleeping, often staying up later than I intend because I get wrapped up in the book. Favorite authors currently are: Donald Miller, Dee Henderson, and Victor Villasenor.
So if you'd like to get to know me better, (even if we've known each other for a couple years), feel free to ask me about any of these things, or tell me about the things that interest you and we'll talk about it.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Way to My Heart

I have words, phrases even paragraphs of my favorite books that drift through my head at any particular time.

"until Henry was no longer afraid of flying."
" selfish as it was, I loved his love for me."
"...senseless violence. And so sad."
"I'm scared of me."
"Console. It's a healing word."
There are novels, articles, letters, and blog posts that make me tick. There are the friends that I have never met but seem to articulate what I have seen, felt, and continue to heal from. I call them friends having never met them. Call me crazy, I call it the reality of a wide reading list.

So if you want to know the way to my heart, it's through my reading list. There's a lot of sap in it, but also a lot of truth. Especially in the more recent stuff I've picked up. Feel free to ask me about books, and if I trust you enough, I'll unabashedly answer with the same excitement I feel when I find a new book waiting for me in my mailbox. Yep, that constitutes a good day becoming a great one.

In case you're curious, this is what I read most regularly:

Sarah Markley- you can find her at sarahmarkley(dot)com. I love her honesty, vulnerability, and the way she challenges the way I live in every blog post.

Donald Miller- Don has a blog and has written small masterpieces, Blue Like Jazz and Father Fiction: Chapters for a Fatherless Generation. He's a true hero in my book.

Dee Henderson- I'm waiting for her next book. The wait feels eternal. Dee writes Romantic Suspense, usually about men and women in the various branches of the United States military and Secret Service.

These three friends are followers of Jesus, and they write out of that. Out of the Truth they have secured in their relationship with Jesus. And that is probably why I am drawn to their writing.

Everything else is basically recommendations and repetitions of old favorites.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When Love is Misunderstood

I had spent just about 14 days in our home. You know, post Fresno. I had spent days living, laughing, and eating at home with my mom and my sister. I had even been able to talk to my eldest sister on the phone. It had been a pretty good time, although I was starting to grow bored at the reality of not doing much of anything at home. No job, no volunteer site, nothing to do while my mom and sister were at work. Nothing to do until about 5pm.
I finally decided to be useful. I decided to clean up the kitchen, the place that we all use, but refuse to clean. I decided to wash up dishes, clean up the counters, sweep the floor. I thought, "What a great way to show my family what I learned in Fresno, about servanthood. They're sure to notice a change and ask about it." I finally felt useful.

My mom walked in and asked, "Haber, Sol, dime lo que quieres hacer." In the tone that implied that I was in trouble. She had asked, "Alright, Sol, tell me what you want to do." I explained that I just wanted to help out, by cleaning. By making a more suitable space for her and my sister since they were at work all day.

I felt like I had overstepped boundaries. The tone my mom used was one that told me that she was not happy. I didn't know what to do, did I choose this as the time to explain that I just wanted to serve her? Did I tell her that I didn't want us to live in the mess we'd created for ourselves over the summer? I wanted to explain that I had learned this past summer more about Jesus' love and what it means to serve people even when I'm tired, and because she's my mom, because this is my family...I wanted to do the same for them.

I didn't do either. I decided to let her assume that I was just doing it 'cause I was bored. Because I didn't want to watch tv anymore. It was an opportunity lost for my family to know a little more about why I do what I do. And now I regret it, I regret not taking the risk and telling her.

And so I wait for another chance to explain. And for her to see my love for her through Jesus.

This is embarassing.

Well, kind of.
The truth is, I'm now in the phase of life where I want to settle down. That's right, I said it.
(This is bound to be one sappy post, so if you're deterred, stop reading. Now.)
I've forever held the want of being in a relationship, of having kids and having the happy family.
Now, I might just notice it more, but man is it there.
See I'm 22, soon to be 23. In 3 months and 28 days.

Seeing two weddings of friends declare, "I do". Makes me cry.
Cry because it's forever-love.

Little kids holding my hand and tugging me to help them find beads or to dance with them, makes my heart melt.

Hearing family and friends slyly introduce me to men who are around my age, "just in case" makes me laugh, yet still wondering when it will be my turn.

And oddly enough, I'm finally learning what it means to be content in singleness.
I know this post is a paradox.
The truth is, I wonder about when I'll finally be able to have the guy, the wedding, the house, the kids...the life I dream of that will come to pass because of the promises God has made to me.

Yet I'm finding this new patience to wait until God brings it to pass.
A contentedness in knowing that it will.
And dancing the night away until I can dance with the man I'm supposed to dance all my dances with.
Yes, I stole that last phrase from Chandler Bing from Friends. :)