As I've gone on this journey of looking at my own brokenness and wrestling with God as to why it is that he is bringing it up now I have come to one very obvious conclusion.
And although that five letter word has a horrible connotation I am okay with that. I am okay with being needy, at least I have come to recognize that attention and love are things that I need to look for in my relationships and understand that they are things that I need to control as well.
My neediness is something that keeps me in check, as it reminds me that I am not the only person that needs both love and attention, but that I am also called to give what I seek as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this need and that I am called to be the answer to that prayer; the prayer that is also my own.
However, there is an ugly side that manifests itself. The side of me that is insecure and wishes that I could have things my way. In talking to friends I realize that the effort I put in relationships is not reciprocated; friends with whom I used to call and try to write letters often to decide to put their time and energy in others. My pride is shot, when did they get so close is a question that lingers... instead of just being happy for them.
My insecurity and resentment clouds my own happiness with the friends that I already have and the family that has been brought forward because of these friendships. Why am I looking so far away when I have it so good here?! I don't know.
Mission: Focus on the beauty and happiness that is around me. I like what school I go to, my friends, my family. Life can't get much better than this, I just have to make a point to notice it each and every day.
I choose to, starting today. I choose to be free of insecurity by not being invested in my the people I want and focus on the blessing that those around me truly are.
"You, my brothers and sisters, are called to be free."