Saturday, March 26, 2011

Oh, Boy.

I find that I can't really focus, here's to hoping this'll help.

It's true, I haven't felt this way about a boy, ever.
One that truly inspires and challenges the way I look at Jesus and causes me to strive to see more of Him day by day.
He speaks, and my heart listens, wants to be lead. Being more than relieved that I am being lead, instead of leading.

And yet, as I sat across a new and dear friend after church on one Sunday, finally learning that 'boy' is not interested in me the way I am in him.
My heart breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Relief that I wouldn't have to worry about when, how, what this would look like if it (finally) worked out.
And suddenly, after having some time with my all went away.
The feelings, the worry, the wondering, the wandering of my heart for 'boy'.

And as I started looking at mine and 'boy's friendship, I realized that our hearts aren't really compatible. At least not right now. My deep loves aren't meshed into his life, his plans for the future. My love of Latino people, my love of the city, my deep deep commitment to those that have walked life with me.
And I am grateful to Jesus, that he has walked beside me these past few years to know what I am needing more and more in the man I will eventually call Husband.

I need someone who 'gets me' who understands...
my commitment to those I have lead, served, served with...
my deep love of the city... I have fallen in love with both Fresno, CA and St.Louis, MO. I need someone who shares that with me.
my love of Latino community... I love my people, and I need someone who is willing to make a fool out of themselves as they eat spicy food, go salsa dancing and put up with my crazy (yet lovable) familia.

Yes, I'm grateful for this latest disappointment in a potential romantic relationship. Grateful because it's showing me more of who I am, more of what I need...and causing me to remember more of my friend L's words, "if it's not him, it'll be someone better!"

Thanks, Papa, for not letting me settle. :)

Thursday, March 10, 2011


since last wednesday, i've sat in frustration, pain, apathy and grief.
i've been short with people, lacked animation, laughter, joy.
all i can say is, i'm sorry.

sorry for shutting you out, sorry for not having the words to let you in.
i can barely explain it to myself.
i am grateful that Jesus knows all my thoughts, so i don't have to explain it to him.
i can't.

[but here's a part i can find words for]
i think back to the boy who stopped me in the hallways of my high school every day to our second class of the day.
just to hug me and say he'd see me at lunch with that brilliant smile of his.
the boy who learned that i smiled easily, especially as he made faces across the room in our world history class.
the boy who found me during prom just to make sure i got some of the cheesy bread (his excuse to make sure i was having a good time)
the boy who knew what it meant to live a life of service: both to his God and his country.

this week i grieve this boy, caleb 'bubba' manning. it seems to cut deeper with every year that passes, but bubba, i'll honor your life by living the way you did: with joy, zeal, passion and a deep love for God.

i love you, buddy.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

my soul.

i've been trying to listen.
listen to my soul.
i've noticed a dip in my mood, a tightening of my heart, a frustration, a longing, a mourning...
it's been a crazy few days.

i haven't really been able to put my finger on it.
it's in days like this that i stop and actually say, "i need a quiet place." i think of jesus in the gospel of mark, where he goes and prays in a lonely place. when he needed space to spend with the Father and just be.

however, i spent some time with jesus today and a few themes came up: fear, purpose and romantic relationships.
fear (see previous post): i'm finding myself seeing similar symptoms come up from the rest of my life. i fear giving myself completely to relationships, especially now in a new community that is still learning how to build itself. i still fear the uncertainty of relationships that may not remain when we're not living in the same city.

purpose: at this very particular moment in life i don't feel like i'm doing much. i feel like it's just a routine: work, church, home. don't get me wrong; work is great, church community is awesome, and the roomies are great. however, i don't feel like i'm giving myself to anything. i need to give myself to something that i'm passionate about, something that is linked with jesus that allows me to feel a great sense of joy.

romantic relationships: this is the one that frustrates/confuses me the most. having had my fair share of experiences with amazing men who i have developed feelings for, i wonder at what it is i am seeing and thinking. we talked in my church Bible study, about relationships and how our church and our interest in our significant other should be that they challenge us and point us to Jesus. i was amazed to notice that Shoreline is so different than my home church, and sufficiently different than InterVarsity that I have grown a lot in the last few months. and i see that in him as well. his life is awe-inspiring, one that points directly to Jesus as he shares his current struggles, his past and the role that Jesus has had in his life. i still have a lot of questions, especially since this seems to be a cycle in my life and emotions, so i wonder how this is different.

there's so much more packed into this, so much more that i have yet to wrestle out with Jesus.
a lot more that i don't want to confront or ask 'cause i'm afraid things won't work out the way i want.

jesus, would i learn to trust you in this season. with my questions and with what you're doing in my life.

Monday, March 7, 2011


i hate to say that i've lived most of my life in fear. miedo.

as a little girl, fear of monsters under my bed.
fear of when daddy came home, not knowing whether he'd be happy or angry in the next minute.
fear of waking up to a crying mama.
fear at not knowing how to console her.

in school, fear of not being wanted and accepted.
fear at failing at something once i had impressed someone.
fear that dad would come back and break the rhythm our household of women had created.

in high school and college, fear of boys.
fear of being loved, fear of being known and judged.
fear of having to share everything. todo.

now, some of the fears have remained. others have gone away, and new ones have surfaced.
today, i fear wanting to be known.
the want that is so insatiable. i crave for it, yet i fear risking my heart again.

i want to have deep, solid relationships.
for my hands to be held, for long abrazos from friends who feel like family.
to share laughter and culture over a meal.

i fear my values and passions being different and not understood.
questions not be asked, the depth of who i am not be sought.

tengo miedo.
i'm scared.