Saturday, August 28, 2010

Once we watched a lazy world go by,
now the days seem to fly
life is brief, but when it's gone
love goes on and on.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Monday, August 23, 2010

"The best leaders aren't the guys who walk around telling people what to do. The best leaders are the guys who cast vision and invite others into their story."
Donald Miller

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Lay in the Grass

One night of the last week in Fresno, I decided it was time to sit outside.
I had spent the majority of my summer indoors, in the apartment of a thousand guests. :)
I found myself that night laying on the grass outside the Pink House, laying just looking up at the black night sky, searching for stars that were elusive and just thinking of Fresno.
I emulated the physical posture of Matt Rogers, who also laid on the grass thinking.
Laying there, I sighed a deep sigh.
I looked up into the heavens searching for something, anything.
I wanted to hear what God wanted to say to me.
I heard, "Sol, the things you want, I want. I long for them too."
I just about cried.
I thought about Fresno and how I had started to dream for the city, how I long to see and know the city as reconciled. As a place that is renewed.

I dream and have cried over the infinite possibilities of what unconditional love can really do.
I layed there and sighed a deep sigh.
A sigh of being heard, known.
A sigh of having God know my desires and me being completely at a loss of making them happen.
A sigh because it's all up to God, and he knows my heart.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Love, it seems like only yesterday
you were just a child at play
now you're all grown up inside of me
oh how fast those moments flee

Sometimes they have to kill us

During the week of Orientation at FUI, we watched a film entitled, "Thunderheart." It is a movie starring Val Kilmer playing a character who is part Sioux. He is sent under assignment by the CIA to crack a recent homicide. The movie revolves around the stuggles between Native American people and what it means to discover your own identity and embrace it. The movie holds much more than that, so watch it.
During the movie, one of the characters who is fleeing the police since he is the prime suspect, has a line that to me spoke volumes, "Sometimes they have to kill us." Jimmy was referring to how the Native American people have chosen to "be who [they] are," and sometimes they have to be killed since their spirit can't be broken.

Later, right around two weeks later made that same connection to Latino folks who are coming from both Mexico and South America. There is still a large wave of folks who are coming from various places to better their lives; the need as well as the motivation to come to the United States has not waned and will not be diluted.

I think of the wall that has been constructed between the U.S. and Mexican border. The wall has to be fortified, stronger, thicker. New technology has to be brought in, these people don't seem to stop coming. And so, my response is the same as Jimmy's, "Sometimes they have to kill us," 'cause our desire, want and need for the same opportunities that other Americans have are enough to get us through Satan's Highway in order to try to achieve the American Dream.

Our people have chosen to remain true to who they are. We have decided to stay immersed in our traditions, culture, our food. We choose to be who we are. Our choice fortifies our spirit.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Visitor's Day

I was exhausted at the end of this Saturday.
I was wiped.
I crawled to bed.
It was the best kind of tired.
The tired of hanging out with 25 of your favorite people in the place that you love.
That day was the best I had spent, the most giving day.
The day I understood what it meant to be loved quite tangibly.
I questioned whether you who said you were coming would.
I doubted because I hadn't been reassured.
And lo and behold, there were the people I so eagerly wanted to see.
They had not reassured me because they were coming.
I just didn't know that.
And yes, learning to trust them and the other 23 folks that came was like breathing deeply after holding my breath for a long time.
You see, I question my friendships a lot. Especially now.
Now when I am not fully immersed in our UCLA InterVarsity fellowship.
And so having promises kept is a really big deal for me.
Promises spoken matter of factly at the end of conversation.
Promises where friends understand what FUI has meant to me, and why it was so important to have visitors come and support me in the place where God continues to work so powerfully.
(There'll probably be more on this later.)

Thank you friends, for loving me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Smoke Signals

That Friday night after watching "Smoke Signals" I cried. I cried a lot.
I cried more than I had all Spring quarter, I think.
The themes of the movie are: poverty, adventure and the loss of a father (death and emotional detachment). As soon as Todd spoke the themes, I was already groaning.
I knew God was going to do something in me that night.

As I watched the movie, I felt wounds being uncovered to be aired out and dressed again. Wounds that I had avoided for far too long.
The question by Victor in the movie, "Did my Dad ever talk about me?"
It floored me.

I've asked that question to myself so many times. I have wondered if Dad ever thought about me, wondered what I was up to. If he ever asked about me.
I wonder that still.
I wonder if he thinks of me, if he cares what's happened to me.

And then I started to cry.

I cried 'cause I am frustrated with myself that I still wonder.
That I still hope that he's thought of me now and again.
I still cry on occassion 'cause I wish he did.
I cry 'cause I wish I was further on the journey towards healing.
The part where I didn't need my Dad.
And if you're wondering if there's any resolution, the answer is not really.

I have a lot of feelings that feel as if they'll never go away, but I also hold onto the hope of two pieces of Scripture that have been given to me.

"You, my Daughter, are called to be free" (Galatians 5:13). I know that freedom is near, that the journey is meant to be one that I walk and sometimes run, but I always have my Papa right there with me.

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields her all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders" (Deuteronomy 33:12). And I know that in the midst of the chaos and madness and frustration, I have a steady place to rest my head, to sleep in the arms of my Papa.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

haiku, haiku!

So I had different spurts of writing while I was at FUI. Usually on Sundays and after I came back from my site on a weekday. Basically when the apartment was the most quiet and I could hear my thoughts. On this day I decided to write haiku poetry. It's not amazing, but still fun.

These first two are about what God was telling me, and me trying to figure it out.

is the word i love,
from you? show your love to me
'cause my heart is weak.

get out of the boat
take a risk, walk on water
it is worthwhile

about the people in my apt, (both that lived there as well as just at the time):
lissah is cool, yeah!
really fashionable, mmm!
sleeping on the couch.
(hehe :))

monte is funny.
she is honorary mex
and my long-lost twin.

joyce wang, yeahhh boy!
she gets nervous when i stare
and screams when she's scared.

i call krista "cute"
'cause she really is, you know?
she makes awesome greenbeans, too!

julie makes the bread
usually with cheese on top
it is really good.

julie likes hot sauce
and is hardly ever bored
she makes me smile.

shannon is trendy
i am "sol sista" to her
she slides in her socks.

i like zoe's laugh
she and bryson are twinsies
i like bryson too.

i like zoe's laugh
she has grown much in FUI
i am glad she's here.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Back to UCLA

I'll be back at UCLA since June 12th.
I feel excited yet completely nervous.
What will this year look like?
What will it hold?
And what will God continue to teach me?

Day 1, tomorrow.
If you're around, let me know.
I'd love to hang out with you. :)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

On the 99

Sunday, August 1st.
We were driving away.
Away from students, the Pink House, La Reina de Michoacan (the paleteria), away from the Fresno I know and love.
We stopped at In-N-Out and bought lunch like a family, and continued our drive up to Hilmar.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
I wasn't as emotional as I thought, and driving away at that moment felt right.
We drove up the 99, and I watched as the landscape changed from urban city to fields that ran as far as the eye could see.
We passed by a'mond trees-just seeing a lot of green with the contrast of yellow dying grass across the interstate to my right.
I was amazed at how vibrant the green was, and how much of it there was before my eyes.

And just as soon as I began to delight in how green the plants and grass were when I heard,
"This is what's going to happen to Fresno, Sol. It's going to grow and flourish."

"But will I get to see it in my lifetime?"
"You'll see it."

And I stopped to bask in the feeling that God was pulling me into.
I smiled and said, "Well whatever you're doing, you sound pretty excited."

And so I sat in that car, smiling and finally felt a little bit of the excitement that friends keep saying that God is feeling for my future plans.
So I wait, I wait for discernment.
I wait for the next year to breeze by like it has these past four years at UCLA.
I wait for God to speak His future plans for me.
I wait in the arms of my Papa who will hold me until I receive all these and more.

Friday, August 6, 2010


This is the first post i've written on an actual keyboard in a long time.

I'm floundering.
Floundering to stay present here when my heart is clearly somewhere else.
In the land where 90 degrees Fahrenheit is cool, where often mischievous 3.5 year old boys run around without pants on, where I can find the most delicious paletas I've ever tasted.
Fresno, CA.

I miss you.
I miss that the neighborhood has changed significantly yet not at all since 2008.
My heart is definitely there.

The trip to Target unnecessary, just like the 36 televisions lining one wall of the store. Too much, everywhere.
Family is trying to understand, but my patience and grace has to be stronger and more faithful than than the learning curve I think is too slow.

I miss the apartment of a thousand guests, a place that was always flowing with people; always filled with grace as we learned to live life together.

I miss that place and am floundering to retain memories, promises and gifts that I was given in the span of 6 weeks.

So today, I'll let the tears fall. Today I'll mourn that I'm here and not there.

I'll mourn that I continue to live here until Jesus calls me wherever he'd like me to go.

Which I deeply, deeply hope is Fresno, California.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thoughts tonight:
it's definitely cooler in la than fresno.
I miss the minturn's.
Music will soothe some of the pain as i gather my thoughts.
Jesus, i love you.
Trip to Target = overwhelming.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Last night in fresno
Don't want to cry tomorrow,
I'll be coming back.
Mourning the loss of living life so closely with Todd and Carrie and the boys, but replaying 3 days worth of laughter and delicious food! Yay for staff retreat.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I will bless the Lord
Oh, my soul
And all that is within me
Bless His holy name

He has done great things (3x)
Bless His holy name.

"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
- 2 Corinthians 9:17