Tuesday, February 23, 2010

i need to get out of here.

i'm sitting at work, helping people print do their login stuff...
it's all good.

except it isn't.
the reality of not prioritizing time with jesus, being sick
and not wanting to let anyone in on whatever this lingering feeling has been.
actually, i know what it is.

and i'm letting myself sit in it.

jesus, i want to finally be real with you.
let you into the dark places of pain, frustration and confusion.
there seems to be a storm brewing and i haven't taken time to actually hear your contingency plan.

i'm making time, getting off this campus to actually hear what you want to say.

loved ones.

there are a few people that hold large parts of my heart.
they are the people i live for, people i often think of...
people that enhance my life.

the past 3 weeks, i've been focusing on the missing aspect of our friendships.
i miss a bunch of you, and i can't visit you because
you're on the other side of the country,
you're starting an internship,
you live on the other side of the planet,
you're busier than i am,
we haven't talked in a while.

getting to see my friends at birthday parties,
while visiting other campuses,
or randomly running into them,
it just makes me miss them that much more the next few days after the fact.

call it withdrawal.

yet it's amazing that i love them that much.
i ACTUALLY get mad at life sometimes because i miss them that much.

i seriously can't wait until we're all in the same place and get to laugh together.

make a decision, already!

in trying to decide between Pomona-Pitzer and Irvine, I've run into one very accurate conclusion.
I'm indecisive.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not toying around with this decision like it's a light one. It's not.
It's just that the larger the decision seems to be, I wish it were out of my hands.
The reality is, I don't want to mess stuff up. I don't want to think that in two years I'll regret my decision.

S.Hop said that God calls us to the place where our abilities and desires meet. I'd end up at a place I'm excited to go, to lead. That was reassuring. I would love to go to a campus where I'm excited, whether it be for one thing (like leading Latino students) or the other (feeling like home when I stepped on).

The thing is, I didn't feel a crazy pull toward either one. I didn't feel like Irvine was home, like Pomona was home.
Probably because it's not. It's not UCLA.

However, there's something pretty amazing in that. There's a huge promise as I walk into this next season of life. A promise of growth, adventure, and a constant God who is always with me.

Sure this decision freaks me out, it's a huge decision to make single handedly...
but at the end of the day, a journey is a journey.
The road just looks differently than I thought.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


i feel like i'm avoiding sleep.

i'm not sure why, or if that's even the case.

perhaps i enjoy the peace and quiet of ucla at this time?

nevermind, i'm going to hit the sack.


i remember sitting on the plane coming back from urbana, sitting next to a family of four: mom, dad, brother and daughter.
i felt especially curious about the smallest one, a little girl who was wearing pink pants, pink sneakers, curly hair wearing headphones on her head. she was singing as the plane made itself down the jetway, and ultimately took off. she was having a blast.
i was watching her, asking her dad to change the music, requesting songs...actually it was just one song, on repeat.

i remember watching her and being fascinated. she was just so cute.
her hair, face, and tiny hands and feet were an absolute delight to see.
so beautiful.
i almost giggled out loud as she continued to sing, as she just did what she knew what to do.

a small question floated through the din of the airplane turbulation,
do You delight in me as much as I delight in her?

i didn't hear a response, i just got a feeling of affirmation.
as if You were saying,
of course, but you knew that already.

i smiled.
Lord, I still don't understand how you can find me that
i don't get it.

but as i continued to look at her and laugh in joy at who she was and how she slightly danced in her seat and sang unabashedly, i couldn't help but disagree.


three people used the word "beautiful" when talking to me today.
"you're beautiful, sol."
"you look beautiful...but you do everyday."
(in prayer) "...would you show her that she is beautiful."

3 times.

that usually holds some significance when we're studying the Word.

i get the feeling You're trying to tell me something.
see, i've been struggling with my image.

am i too fat?
too average?
too plain?
too latina?
not latina enough?

so many questions...
yet tonight all i heard was the whisper,
you're beautiful.

i'll be honest, God, i can't quite internalize that.
i can't internalize that beauty that you profess i possess.
but i trust you and take you at Your word.

on certain days/nights...

i get this amazing kick to write.

i think this is one of them.

(here we go.)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

ask me for a favor.

i don't mind helping people out, really.
for the most part i love helping people.

however, it does rub me the wrong way when people ask for a favor when they don't even know me.
they'll call and instead of even a "how are you?" small talk, they'll just ask for... whatever.

call me selfish, but i guess i want to be known.
or at least not feel like i'm only being called for that one thing.

DM 2010, among other things.

Dance Marathon was great! It was a time of dancing, interceding, bonding and endurance.
I wouldn't give up the experience.
Favorite moments:
-singing with Lady Danville: they're like old friends, and being able to sing along with them felt like a gift.
-IVBCF-Praying for a Cure: being able to intercede for dancers, ambassadors, and the camps was amazing. it was great to see the UCC out there praying with us... :)
-NSU Modern's performance: it made me want to dance again. i remembered sweating in the studio, being frustrated that i couldn't catch on to choreography fast enough...leading to being on stage dancing my heart out for 3 minutes. That, and, NSU was SICK!
-Power Hour! Being able to dance/jump with our team was AMAZING. we'd made it that far and were ready to be done... lesson learned, the body can endure much more than we think.

Special shout out to Andrew Tang, our Dancer Captain. The man is so thoughtful. I am so grateful that he came out to meet our team, danced with us repeatedly, made sure we were doing okay and gave us Valentines!! Andrew made my DM experience. :)

Other musings...
-i want to write, there's so much to say!
-future stuff: a lot to process. (Life will be very different next year).
-need to rest, spend time with jesus.
-do i want space? (oy...)

*it's late, i should sleep.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

what's next?

as i start looking into the future, considering the internship and where i'm going (although i have no idea)...

i slowly feel my world being turned upside down.
as i looked around the room last night at our large group,
i wondered, "what's next?"

God has done an amazing job of surprising me while in college with family, community and a group of friends and believers that share my heart.
So I wonder:
who will be the next influential person in my life?
who will remain in my life to continue to see the journey God has me on?
who are the people I will influence?

i have no idea, but i'm ready to find out. :)

let's do this.

you're still the one.

you're still the man of my life.
the one i wished picked me up
held me
the one i think of when i look far into my future
i wish you were there.

it's hard for me to see that you chose to not be in my life
you chose to walk away

i don't know what to do with that.

i don't know what it means to prepare for that day
when you might walk back into my life
see, the part of me that loves you just wants to hold you in a tight hug
reminisce and hold your hand
share everything you've missed.
share God's work in my life, the new start to life
a transition to something unclear
uncharted territory...

the other part of me wants to hold you at arms length
show you who i am, what i've become
i know you'd be proud.

a part of me would like to keep you in a corner,
call on you only when i needed to.
isn't that what you sought when you left?
what you always said when you visited?
independence, self-reliance...
i'd like to keep you at arms length.

but when i look into my future,
i still wish you were there.
to be the one that is at my wedding,
introducing you as my dad
with a shy smile that only emerged
while introducing you.

i wonder if that's written as a part of my story.

My favorite photo.

I still consider this my favorite picture I took when I still had my camera. I think it's because it's Imperial Beach, the beach of the United States that is split between the US and Mexico. I love it because it has two men on horseback (I always secretly wanted to ride a horse) and because it's a beach.
 I love it because it was taken at Border Conscious 2008, a time when God was molding me into knowing who I was in regards to who He is. I remember this trip and learning what it meant to love the people in Mexico, loving my brothers and sisters crossing the border, and learning that part of my identity is wrapped up in that. I love it because it gives me a picture of what I want: a beach, a horse, a Stetson, and just peace as I wave to the ocean, passerby... as of now, this is my picture of freedom.


it's found its pockets in my life.

[i'm learning the places where it tends to hide, but kind of like the fact that i don't know.
i'm too much of a coward to intentionally face grief and its implications.]

this week especially.
no, i don't like seeing my friends in pain, especially if it reminds me of my own.

this week seems to be especially painful.
my friends are feeling grief in losing loved ones.
i feel that pain as well.

i feel for you and with you, my friends.
i just wish i could be of better comfort to you.

Monday, February 8, 2010

what is this?

this past week i cried a bit. alright, i cried a lot.
it was painful to feel my brokenness at every turn and let Jesus into that.
my friendships were challenging this past week, sometimes filled with joy- but i was very aware of the brokenness in myself holding back.

catalyst was a challenge, i wanted to isolate myself.
i wanted to not really be there.
but this is family... the people that love you. let them love you.
 i did.

doug called us to bless each other... the difficulty of approaching my male friends and pledging friendship and trust was difficult but worth it.
i felt relieved.

so why am i back to that feeling of numbing/apathetic/disconnected?
i want to cry in order to feel some sort of release
but i really don't know what this is....
grief? loss? lack of peace?

i really don't know.
i randomly get quiet, which is usually an indicator that something's wrong.
today, i just wanted to listen and hear what You wanted to say.

What's up, God?

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Men in My Life

They're pretty amazing.
It took me a long time to actually embrace that sentiment.
I remember when it happened though.

I remember when I went from skittish to curious, my curiosity causing me to get closer to the men.
I could name them all; the ones that have loved me unashamedly.
The men that have become my brothers, brothers deeper than blood.
They're in my heart.

Catalyst was another revelation.
Yes, I love them. Like brothers.
Yet this trust thing is still really difficult.

I had to verbally tell two of them that I pledge friendship and full trust in them.
Friendship-with all the messiness and implications. Confrontation, reconciliation, truth in how this is difficult for me.
Trust- continuing to be honest. Especially when I don't want to be.
Their response?
HUG. Huge hug.

I'm not going to lie, though the hugs were great; the blaring thought in my head was:
this is not going to be easy.

The beautiful part:
I'm actually willing to take a risk and trust these men.

And for that alone, I praise the Lord.

Helen Song

I miss her.

I want to talk with her, you know, in person.
Sit with her at Rendezvous like we would and share (actually not) Mexican dishes.
Watch her eat the tortilla chips and enjoy it thoroughly.

I miss her laugh with a snort at the end if it was something really funny.
And my giggle just because I would be thinking she was adorable.

I miss walking with her randomly and make a crack about how I wanted to hold her hand.
And then I would.
'Cause she'd let me. :)

I miss her most when I listen to Oren Lavie.
I think of her in DC, walking down the street enjoying life and realizing who she's meant to be.
Or walking down that path to discovery.

I miss her because she's Helen.
Helen Song.

i really hope this didn't embarrass you too much, Helen. <3

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Coming Home - John Legend

This song always strikes a chord with me.

A father waits upon a son
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me
I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say

Won't you wait for me?

It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home

Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home

We fight to stay alive
But somebody's got to die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe

It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming?
You know that I'll be coming home
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What IS in a Word?

an article by jon foreman.

What's in a Word?


november 2, 2009

the gift of tongues.

i always wanted it.
i remember growing up and seeing everyone interact with jesus in that way, a way that only they could a way that only they could utter, even though they might not have known what they were uttering.

i received a bit of that last night
i do not know if it's a gift of a time
or if it's a gift that will continue to come when it is deemed to me again

but nonetheless i am so grateful
grateful that i could finally interact with you this way and that you are able to do anything you wish with me
and yet your choice is to lavish me with a gift.

thank you.

The places I've been

The more I look forward to the places I'm going, the more I miss the places I've been.

In looking towards interning with InterVarsity, I thought back on Fresno. I thought back to what it was like to live in community and to solely live to learn more about Jesus and love my neighbors. I miss that.
Knowing what each day was meant for, to share the love of Jesus with those children, with their parents. To live with 32 other students learning how to do the same, and all being understanding in the days that were difficult and sharing with each other the days that were joyful. So much joy.
I remembered my second year here at UCLA. I was so driven in seeing God's heart and love on campus; often making difficult decisions to see that.
Here, I get caught up in what needs to get done; often forgetting why I am doing things...who these events, visits and acts of service are for. Or who I claim to follow as I do it.
What if my testimony were as pure as when I was in mission in my everyday life?
I guess this is where I have to admit I'm not the perfect disciple. I do not understand all of what Jesus is doing in my life or the life of my friends. I'd like to say my lack of understanding affects my laziness in reaching out or my forgetful nature as I am driven to get the next thing done.
I strive to live my life in mission, not solely the days or weeks that I am sent out to a location and isolate that from the rest of my life.

May the Lord and community help me.

"You miss someone you've never met."
-Joshua Harris