Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i tend to get poetic/thoughtful at nighttime...

This is an email I sent a couple friends last night as the rain made music as it fell outside my window.

Hi friends.
It's raining in California! It's been raining most of the day, actually.
The rain has been a comfort, a nice companion today. I find that a lot of the time I sit and reflect when it rains, it seems that way since I'm writing this at 2:47 am.
Things here are going well; it's busy, and the rain has only made me realize that I am actually a little tired and do just want to sit and talk with someone over a nice cup of coffee. Ooh, and cookies if they're soft. Especially if they're peanut butter. yum. :)

I'm not so sure why I'm sending this email, or exactly what I'm writing. I guess I figured you're far away and my most random thoughts/emails are what make up the elusive part of me that I often tuck away. I miss you, and I not-so-secretly wish that you were here, being that person to sit with me drinking coffee, eating peanut butter cookies and listening to the rain come down on the metal awning outside my window.

Do you dance much? I am getting an urge to go outside and dance in the rain; something that's scary and yet a dream of mine wrapped up in one.
Maybe one day I'll gather up the courage to actually do it.

I pray you are well; and although you're far away, I know there are things you must do and dreams you must chase.
Let me know how they're both progressing, especially if you've caught any of those dreams.

I think I'll turn in now.

Much love from rainy California,

Singin' in the Rain...

How elated must Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly) been after finally having Kathy (Debbie Reynolds) accept to have lunch with him?
He ends up singing and dancing in the rain.

I walked in the rain today, not so much fun. It was running up and down my back, not to mention my face; making it difficult to see anything.
It says something about Don, he really liked Kathy; at least enough to dance and sing because he was so happy.

Why can't I do that?
Why can't I dance and sing and revel in the great things God is doing?
Why can't I sing because I'm so happy?

I often save singing for a time when I'm in community worshipping.
What would it look like if I acted like a fool (like Gene) and just sang and danced my heart out in the rain?
It's tempting. It's raining pretty consistently now, has been for a few hours now.
And if I do gather up the courage to sing, the rain might just drown some of that out. :)

That'll be my unspoken challenge for myself; dancing and singing (moreso if it's raining).
Especially if there's no one there to back me up.

"I'm dancin' and singin' in the rain..."

Sunday, October 11, 2009

a new day

"let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields her all day long, and the one the
LORD loves rests between his shoulders."
deuteronomy 33:12

it's 4:30 am. a part of me really wants to sleep and yet the other wants to stay awake and see the sunrise; after all, each morning is another chance to be with God. i like the idea of a sunrise, the sacrifice of waking up for it as well as seeing that beauty while sitting with God and being able to tell him how wonderful it is to do so.

the verse. it was given to me on a sunday morning as i reflected on my own insecurities and wants. i am called to "rest secure" and let God shield me from what is not from Him.
my favorite part is the last line, "the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders," i remember i had an image of me sitting on God's shoulders, like a daughter with her daddy. it is still an image that makes my heart fill with joy. i thank Him greatly for that, it may be why i cling to this verse so tightly.

i think i'll turn in for an hour or so. :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I remember loving you.
It bothers me that I still do.

I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.

i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around

i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry

i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy

what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent

the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing

did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?

do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?

i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you

i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to

but even that isn't enough


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

when it's kinda late...

i wonder what comes next.

are You asking me to let go?
to grieve?
to jump into more, another challenge?

i honestly don't know.

all i know is that it feels pretty overwhelming; i know you don't dish out more than i can handle and i feel i am at that breaking point.
i see and feel you all around, but it's difficult. quite difficult.

you're probably right, i need more time with you. time i've neglected to give in order to avoid these questions i don't necessarily want answers to.

we'll see how it goes.