Tuesday, April 27, 2010


i know you're scared.
i know you're hoping for a fast solution to whatever is making your soul quake like it hasn't in a long time.
the words, "it'll be okay" can't reach you now.

the words letting you know that I'm here,
watching you,
protecting you.
they're too far and few.

it really will be okay.

please stop and hear those words.
i love you and will make sure you're okay.

just sit, breathe and sleep in my embrace.
i'll chase it all away,
'til you're ready for another day.

out of guilt.

a character in the book i'm currently reading says that she believes her father is writing her letters out of guilt.
he writes notes of his life: his wife, his children...essentially his new family to her every month or so.

she hasn't seen him in about 10 years.

something twisted inside me.
he actually writes to her.
he probably doesn't know what to say,
where to start.

and then i thought of you.
it makes sense, you're my dad.
i think of you in situations like this.

it made me wonder why you don't write.
why even facebook isn't small enough a window
for you to initiate a superficial relationship with me.

you don't feel guilty.
you don't feel guilty to write to me dated reports
of your life. of your wife.

and that really sucks.
i'd say it sucks for you, but i really don't think it does.
'cause it looks like you really don't care.

Monday, April 26, 2010

i don't like clams.

it's true, i don't like clams.

when you shut down, turn off any indicator of what's going on with you...
we both know something's wrong.
that defensive mechanism, of you being stoic and being in a surly mood without explaining why...
it hurts.

we both know you're in pain, and you pushing me away makes me want to walk away.
i don't like walking away from you.

i'm an esfj.
i help people, and you flat out denying me any sense of me being able to do that hurts.

you make me feel like i don't matter, like i couldn't possibly offer anything to you.
which simultaneously makes me wonder why i'm even still in this friendship.

i've thought about it, walking away.
i've thought what life would look like without you in my life, and guess what?
you're worth fighting for.
you're worth me asking and pushing, and groaning when you're silent or when you physically walk away 'cause you just don't want to talk to me.

you're worth it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

written words.

I've come to realize that I love the written word.
I love the fact that I can interact with different personalities, perspectives, and emotions within the words of blogs, books, articles or small quotes that appear in a fortune cookie.

Writers that are transparent, and who i read often have become friends. i laugh and excitedly wait until their next blog post, their next book. (when i finally get the book in the mail or buy it... it's an amazing day.)

Sarah Markley has become a hero to me. She is able to write with transparency, passion and truth. Her love of the word is strong, and her ability to transfer her emotions onto her writing space is incredible. She challenges me to make time to question. Question myself, why I do things, why I don't do things.

   One of the first blogs I read by Sarah was, "The REAL Real Me". It hit deep. It asked me consider the things I hide from others, and stirred that part of my soul that wants to be known by my friends.

   Sarah's a mother, a wife and as I jump into this new season of life (as I leave UCLA) Sarah's blog gives me a glimpse of what life as a mom and wife will soon be. The joys and trials of marriage, the beauty in raising daughters, all the while living a life full of hospitality, wonder and a much needed time of rest every day while walking with Jesus.
As I've learned more and more about myself as I read Sarah's blog, I have realized why I am addicted to the written word. She writes the way I desire to, like an open book. She gives her heart away to readers that she does not know, and she does so freely.

May my words one day reflect a heart (like Sarah's) that seeks after Jesus, seeks to be more like Him and challenges readers to do the same.

crumbling bridges.

crumbling bridges are hard to walk on.

the past few weeks i felt like i was losing my friendships.
 i haven't been as attentive as i've been very self focused.
throwing pity parties for myself and wanting others to baby me...
crumbling bridges are difficult to repair.

i spent a lot of time in my room and not really talking to friends.
trying to re-enter into deep conversations about their lives and what God has been up to...
it was awkward.

i felt the strain and the reminder that friendship is a two-way street. friendship, true friendship, is forged in the day to day... in the messy, ugly and also joyful...
but every aspect is important.

i have limited time left.
time to invest and learn, time to lay a foundation so these friends, brothers and sisters will be in my life forever.
yes, i want them to be aunts, uncles, mentors... the family that i will have as i continue on this journey of life-seeking the permanence of a home, the reflection of jesus in a mate, and the joy of small souls (get it?) running around my home that will be home base.

let the mixing of cement (for the foundation) begin. :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

dancing through life.

i like dancing.
correction, i love to dance.
it gets incorporated into a lot of facets of my life
walking to class,
dance parties when i'm alone in my room,
randomly as i'm standing in someone's living room
dance is a part of me.

i wiggled a lot right after i was born.
nurses couldn't really explain it,
i was born four months early
(yay for preemies)
and they expected me to be still,
moving only when i needed something.
and yet i was wiggling like no other
while laying in the NICU.

one of the nurses mentioned it to my folks,
my dad replied, "she's worshipping God."

as i've grown, i still dance.
the best part of high school was dance class.
finding my voice through movement,
through song.

and as i finally think back to those weeks
after emerging from the womb.
it resonates, clicks.
i am a dancer.

perhaps not a professional one,
or a decent one at ballet,
but my body and soul are complete
as i dance for my Savior.
all the day long.

it's not about the numbers...

it's about the stories.

and the endless possibilities. :)

check it out.

Jesus you are truly amazing.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


i know most of what will come out of this rant will be accusation and pure emotion.
i apologize in advance.

i keep saying that i'm tired and unmotivated.
tonight's no different.
i'm frustrated that people don't value the structures, value Bible study.
don't value that it's a place to speak truth and to hear from jesus amidst
schedules, stress and confusion of school.

then again i'm feeling more frustrated at myself.
i've let this get this way, i haven't pushed for a better study.
i don't really want to.
it's too hard.

i've tried to build community, but my support is lacking.
just gone or withering.
and although i put up the front of a strong leader.
i just wish this were easier, that there were excitement
and that i didn't have to remind everyone of everything.

it's easy to try to give up.
and jesus, You know i want to.
teach me how to be faithful amidst
all of this.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

this is rare.

it is rare when i let myself re-enter childhood.
no, not the parts of my childhood where i reveled in running through the sprinklers with my sisters, planting roses with Mom, or making a mess in the kitchen with my aunt.

the part when dad would re-enter the family, cook up a storm, pretend everything was okay as my sisters and i looked at each other confused, how do we play the part of daddy's girls?

we watched the news over dinner. we should be just as informed as daddy, sitting there wanting to share the sticker i got for reading well at school today, the spelling test i aced, or the fact that i was chasing a boy around during recess. his eyes stayed on the screen.

we played with our dog. the dog who seemed to listen to everything we said and got defensive when this stranger would enter our home. dad would eventually get annoyed at his protectiveness and kick him. dad couldn't understand our love for that pup.

i always got nervous after our hugs and kisses good night to daddy. i was always afraid of leaving him alone with mom. soon after we made it up to bed, my sisters and i cracked the door open to hear what they were arguing about next, what dad was throwing across the room, listening for the sounds of skin hitting skin... waiting if we needed to make an appearance.

waiting for night to end and the pretense of another day to begin.

i've been wrestling with the parts of myself i don't want to engage with. the parts that are messy, wounded, upset, healing (still). the parts of me that do not believe that complete healing is possible. that freedom is too elusive.

this time i choose to engage.
thanks, A for pushing me on this night.
thank you Jesus for sitting with me.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Dear Soldier,

  I'm thinking of you tonight. I think of you on most days. I think of you on cold nights, hoping you're having hot chocolate and staying indoors. On especially warm days I hope you're able to stay out of the sand that burns and seems to get into everything.
  I pray that you have a reason to smile, that you're laughing at least sporadically while you're in the mess hall and that letters are an abundant part of this deployment instead of few and far in between. I pray that your family's been able to send you a care package filled with small things that cause you and your platoon buddies to fight over who gets what.
  I pray that you're so bored that you're figuring out who to prank next; in whose bed you'll put a lizard in next, or other creative ways to mess with each other. I'll admit, the lizard prank is my favorite, I hope you have a camera handy.
  I'm thinking of what to send you next to remind you that we're thinking of you back home, to remind you that we love you and that you are very much missed. Until I do, a letter just will have to do.

Stay Safe,

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Love is Waiting.

A song by Brooke Fraser.

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

Love is waiting.

"I'm excited to date!" This is literally what I told my friend, E.
I think back on that moment and I'm slightly embarrassed. Yet the growing smile on my face is because I actually am really excited.

Something's coming. I can feel it.
I mean, a lot of things are. I'm transitioning out of college, learning what it means to be a good mentor and friend, struggling through insecurity and constant need for attention...
but this lingering feeling that I finally hit the cusp of something amazing...
that's there too.

You see, I've never been excited to date. To get to know another person to learn more about each other, about God and see if we're supposed to be in each other's lives forever as man and wife.
I am ready to trust, learn, serve and listen to what God has in this area. To do the same for a man that wants to do the same for me.

Through my friendships I've learned that the men and women in my life point and show me what God sees in me, the beauty within the mess, the leader when i feel small, the breathtaking view among the broken.
And I can't wait to reflect back to my friend and significant other just how much they are loved by the Father.

That's why I'm excited. 'Cause if the guys in my life right now are any indication of what's waiting, then there's some amazing potential out there.

i get it.

i was created for justice.
i've read isaiah 61 before, known that the Lord anointed me to...you know.

it kind of hit me earlier though, i was reading Kent Annan's Following Jesus Through the Eye of the Needle, and it just hit me.
I was made to bring justice.

i know the thoughts and images floating through your head are probably of rallies and protests, those aren't the sole ways of justice that i'm thinking about. i'm thinking of justice in the everyday. in the ordinary.

as i was reading Kent Annan's reflections on going to Haiti and later deciding whether he should stay or not, my heart was tugged. i want to see the world changed, for justice to be restored.

that's why i always root for the underdog.
why it breaks my heart to see malnourished children.
why things like violence make me angry.

 i was created to bring justice.
not solely to see and feel my heart break at how far we've come since Eden, but to have a hand in restoring the relationships with creation and with each other.
that's why the gospel is messy, it takes my reality of living in a broken world and casts the light of what once was. the world in which i was created to be.

I'm an "Other," apparently.

Census 2010.
"It's in our hands."

The Census upsets me. Clarification: it pissed me off.
I'm fine with being counted. I understand that the United States is trying to count the population of the country.

i just get pretty angry when i read questions 4 and 5.
I especially love the "Note" prefacing both questions.
Note: Please answer BOTH Question 4 about Hispanic origin and Question 5 about race. 
For this census, Hispanic origins are not races.


Question 4 was easy, I am a Mexican woman.

Question 5... not so easy.
What is your race?
I couldn't find one box i could identify with.
What the hell am i supposed to check?!
I frustratingly checked, Other.
But what am i supposed to write in the "Other" slot where i'm asked to fill it in?!

I think so.

I didn't think the Census would cause me to question my identity, or to think so fiercely as to why Hispanic origins should be included as a race.
But it did.
It pushed those buttons, and made me a little sick. We're trying to be so politically correct that we alienate each other, we hurt each other and don't consider what our neighbor might be feeling (or perhaps, having difficulty answering these questions).

Jesus, help us.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

you know that feeling?

that feeling where you finally get to tell that person everything you've been wanting to say?

that was saturday. Brother's Appreciation Night.

i knew that it'd be difficult to share the ways these men i call brothers mean to me, everything they've done for me and the rest of the women in our fellowship.
and by God's grace, it all came out.
i was able to share my story of redemption, love and the acceptance of my own beauty through these men.
God's grace has been able to rain down on me through the beautiful, amazing, crazy brothers i have in Christ.

and although we still struggle with not knowing what to say, having boundaries, and continuing to learn what it means to be vulnerable in order to have authentic relationships, i wouldn't trade this journey with them for another.

not solely because they make me laugh, hold my hand while i cry, or bring me medicine when i'm sick.
but because they are Jesus in so many shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, senses of humor and heights. they are the ones that reflect back to me so many things that i am always insecure of.
reminding me that i am fully loved, whether or not i make a joke that is worth laughing at, singing badly, or messed something up royally.

they love me just the same.
and because of that reflection of jesus' love...

i love my brothers.

Monday, April 5, 2010

St. Louis!

i finally have something written in regards to my week in St. Louis.

Love really does change everything:
check it out here.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Today i spent the day celebrating my mom's birthday (happy 51st, mom!). We spent the day at El Mercadito and La Placita Olvera. Both of these shopping centers are primarily mexican vendors. I had the greatest day.
Just being with family has been great, but being able to be myself as a mexican woman has been even better. Today i reveled in being able to eat pozole, watching children dance traditional mexican dances, and be among those that love mexican art, clothing and food. I thought, as i was trying whether or not to buy a traditional dress, how much of a change has happened in the last two years. My second year, i would have never considered that dress... and now i'm looking for any way to express where i come from. God is good (all the time), and the fact that he redeems my identity as a mexican woman from being one i was ashamed of to one that i love and can't help but share with friends.