Monday, December 7, 2009

Dancing thoughts swirling around.

I often find myself with dancers,
movement
or the sensation of dancing
floating in my head.

I'll be walking back to my room,
or off to class
and I'll think of a dance move to do.

Most of the time
it doesn't matter.
I can't do most of it anyway.

At the same time,
I wonder when I will.
If that thing that my heart and my head desire are
achievable.

If it is a desire,
it should be attainable.
Right?

So the question is:
am I willing to risk looking like a fool,
working from square one
in order to achieve it?

Do I believe it's worth it?

Time to get my butt back in dance class.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

You are home.

There's something about coming back to UCLA.
A freedom, a release.
Something.
I feel free.

Maybe it is because here I have a room.
Sure a room I share with a friend,
but still my own.

Sometimes it is an escape
a way for me to dissipate
all the fears, drama and tears
that I feel often when the car appears.

The dread I feel at going home
not knowing what the reception will be
or who will be home.

But when we make our way back
back to school
I feel like I can breathe

I feel like home is here.

Maybe it's because my second family is here
or because I don't have to worry about
sharing about what Jesus is doing
in me and through me
without making family uncomfortable
or cutting me off.

Or maybe it's because I have space here
space to process, take risks, enjoy both
the sunshine and the rain

Staying up late to either watch the first glimpses of sun
or just take time to write
when it seems like everyone is asleep.

This feels like home
'cause i see You here
I see You in the faces of my family,
in the faces of those who seek You.

I see You in the ways you have manifested
Yourself in me.
the change that you created,
the inspiration you've breathed in.
in the confidence I possess
as I type these words.

As difficult as it is to see You
in my geographical home,
that is my prayer, that I'd see You.

That I'd see You in all your splendor,
even in a space that has become
a place of chaos.

I pray that I would choose
what it means to see You
in that place as I do here.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

Random Things

['cause I feel like writing]

  1. I go through cycles of music, usually one artist (it's currently Jon Foreman) at a time until I move on.
  2. My favorite foods are tacos, sandwiches, and pozole.
  3. I really like school supplies: pencils, pens, stationary.
  4. I read. A lot.
  5. I'm usually thirsty.
  6. I don't like checking my voicemail. Don't leave me one.
  7. Friends make any situation better.
  8. I want to be an artist, but am too much of a coward to actually try.
  9. I consider myself a writer, but need to do more of it.
  10. Dance- i love it.
  11. I know most of the lines to Friends.
  12. I listen and watch more Oldies pop culture than I do current.
  13. I have a love-hate relationship with Oprah. It's one-sided too.
  14. I want a donkey as a pet, although I don't know where I'd keep it.
  15. I want to run away to Mexico and just live there for a while (this may be tied into the donkey dream).
  16. After careful introspection, I am fully confused as to what I want to do with my life.
  17. I love Jesus.
  18. I am learning what it means to be healed emotionally and spiritually.
  19. I consider my friends the family I never had, and UCLA the best time of my life.
  20. I don't like celery.
  21. I don't like raisins.
  22. Ironically, I like celery with peanut butter and raisins. Who would have known?
  23. The hardest thing for me to endure is family/friends moving away.
  24. The only places I've been to outside California are Tijuana, Mexico and Washington DC.
  25. I'm on facebook way more than I should, but isn't everybody?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My Gratitude Snorkel

A Gratitude Snorkel is a way that my friend Alia had me remember things I am thankful for.
It's just a list of things you're grateful for on the day you do it.

Here's mine for today:
  1. A bed where I can sleep for the night, and wake up not wanting to get out of it.
  2. My roommate Eloise for making me laugh.
  3. Notes from friends affirming me on random days.
  4. Chances to hang out with friends for no particular reason.
  5. Carl's Jr. french fries-they make me happy. :)
  6. People with contagious smiles
  7. Excited people flyering on BruinWalk (passion is passion)
  8. Thoughts of Thanksgiving and the surprises it'll bring
  9. Christmas music all around
  10. The Ackerman bookstore, being able to sit in a corner and just read
  11. Ice cream in my freezer [vanilla bean and mint & chip]
  12. Dancing the night away with friends
  13. Books that you can read time and time again
  14. Jon Foreman/Switchfoot music
  15. Texts from friends on Thanksgiving
  16. New beginnings (in all forms)
  17. Sunrise, that reminds me that each new day is a beginning
  18. catching up with friends while running errands
  19. sending mail to people far away and getting a response
  20. laughing 'cause i remembered something random
  21. finding the perfect Christmas present for my sister :)
  22. advent, that gets me that much more ready for Christmas
  23. going to the party supply district and eating a quesadilla
  24. plans for winter break
  25. RLCCs who are just as quirky as I am

Friday, November 20, 2009

Adam Had to be Bored

This morning, as I stood watching the sunrise in the stairway of Hedrick 6 North, my mind wandered back to Genesis, to Adam. I've found that my mind will do that, drift in wondering what it was like when God and Adam were on earth in Eden.

I stood waiting for the sun to make it's grand appearance. As I waited, I began to notice a lot of things, like how the sky transitions from a deep blue to a burnt orange, and that fades as the sun begins its journey in the morning sky. I found myself seeing things I had never noticed, marveling at the sun and the sky, as well as the birds that fly through the air and sing a song to accompany morning.

As I observed these things, I found myself wishing that someone were standing next to me. It being 6 am, I refrained from waking anyone up.

However, the wish for company made me think, "Adam had to be bored." Now don't get me wrong, God's creation is amazing, and in Eden I'm sure that Adam had the best view of everything and anything; but as I was standing in the stairway, waiting for the sun, time slowed down considerably. Conversation would have sped it up, and we would have probably talked about the things we had never noticed about morning before.

What I am getting at is that I think that Eve played a crucial role in Adam not only seeing the glory of God's creation, but being able to share it with someone who would marvel at it with him. Adam longed to have someone share the wonder of Eden, someone to whom he could express the awe that was (and is) the sun, trees, animals. I wonder if Adam needed a partner in order to fully enjoy God's creation.

And I wonder if this is the reason God declared that it was "not good" for Adam to be alone; I wonder if Eve was a way for Adam to engage with God not merely as a friend, but as the Creator. To engage with God and His wonders. There was a part of Adam that needed Eve, not only to have a relationship with her, but to deepen his relationship with God and His creation.

So many thoughts (and questions)... more on this in a later entry.

i knew...

it was the perfect time to tell you.

you were there, i was there.
we were sharing deeper than we have the past few weeks.

i knew God was prompting me: slightly nervous, speeding heart rate...
i should have told you.

i chickened out.

i'm afraid of your reaction. what you'll say. what you'll do.

more than that, i think i'm scared that it might cause a dent in my already fragile heart.

i need to tell you.
soon.
very soon.

Southbound Train

It's almost 3 am, with thoughts swirling through my mind: thoughts of home, the future, literary musings, and music. A lot of music.

I find myself thinking a lot at this hour. Times when it seems like everyone's sleeping and I can finally extract the important parts of my day.

I find myself thinking of home a lot, the ways my view of it has changed; the ways in which I'm finding that home is more of a location, more than a place.

I stumbled upon a song I heard Jon Foreman perform in the apartment community of UCLA, it seemed fitting to share at this hour.

I'm headed home
Yeah, but I'm not so sure
That home is a place
That will ever be the same


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Remembering Caleb "Bubba" Manning

Bubba-
I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for always hugging me during our first passing period of the day. You don't know how much that meant to me. It was a time when I felt invisible, and for that brief time that we talked as we stalled walking to our class, you made me feel visible.
I remember sophomore year, sitting in Ancient Civilization and venting at how pointless we thought the coursework was, you making faces from across the room and making me laugh. You always made me laugh.
I didn't quite know it at the time, but a lot of my high school memories have you in them, memories that remind me that someone did care about me in high school. Somehow you knew that I needed a tall friend who would hug me and make me laugh. I only wish I could have told you that sooner.
I miss you, buddy. A lot. I miss having to look up in order to see you face to face, your hugs that always came at the right time, your sense of humor, and your genuine concern for the friends in your life.
I know that you're in Heaven, but that doesn't undermine the fact that I wish I could see you, talk to you and return the favor of making you laugh as much as you did me. I pray that you're having a ball; swimming, playing water polo and doing everything that you loved when you were here. The grief eases up a bit when I think I'll get to share Paradise with you one day.

-Sol

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i tend to get poetic/thoughtful at nighttime...

This is an email I sent a couple friends last night as the rain made music as it fell outside my window.

Hi friends.
It's raining in California! It's been raining most of the day, actually.
The rain has been a comfort, a nice companion today. I find that a lot of the time I sit and reflect when it rains, it seems that way since I'm writing this at 2:47 am.
Things here are going well; it's busy, and the rain has only made me realize that I am actually a little tired and do just want to sit and talk with someone over a nice cup of coffee. Ooh, and cookies if they're soft. Especially if they're peanut butter. yum. :)

I'm not so sure why I'm sending this email, or exactly what I'm writing. I guess I figured you're far away and my most random thoughts/emails are what make up the elusive part of me that I often tuck away. I miss you, and I not-so-secretly wish that you were here, being that person to sit with me drinking coffee, eating peanut butter cookies and listening to the rain come down on the metal awning outside my window.

Do you dance much? I am getting an urge to go outside and dance in the rain; something that's scary and yet a dream of mine wrapped up in one.
Maybe one day I'll gather up the courage to actually do it.

I pray you are well; and although you're far away, I know there are things you must do and dreams you must chase.
Let me know how they're both progressing, especially if you've caught any of those dreams.

I think I'll turn in now.

Much love from rainy California,
Sol

Singin' in the Rain...

How elated must Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly) been after finally having Kathy (Debbie Reynolds) accept to have lunch with him?
He ends up singing and dancing in the rain.

I walked in the rain today, not so much fun. It was running up and down my back, not to mention my face; making it difficult to see anything.
It says something about Don, he really liked Kathy; at least enough to dance and sing because he was so happy.

Why can't I do that?
Why can't I dance and sing and revel in the great things God is doing?
Why can't I sing because I'm so happy?

I often save singing for a time when I'm in community worshipping.
What would it look like if I acted like a fool (like Gene) and just sang and danced my heart out in the rain?
It's tempting. It's raining pretty consistently now, has been for a few hours now.
And if I do gather up the courage to sing, the rain might just drown some of that out. :)

That'll be my unspoken challenge for myself; dancing and singing (moreso if it's raining).
Especially if there's no one there to back me up.

"I'm dancin' and singin' in the rain..."

Sunday, October 11, 2009

a new day

"let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields her all day long, and the one the
LORD loves rests between his shoulders."
deuteronomy 33:12

it's 4:30 am. a part of me really wants to sleep and yet the other wants to stay awake and see the sunrise; after all, each morning is another chance to be with God. i like the idea of a sunrise, the sacrifice of waking up for it as well as seeing that beauty while sitting with God and being able to tell him how wonderful it is to do so.

the verse. it was given to me on a sunday morning as i reflected on my own insecurities and wants. i am called to "rest secure" and let God shield me from what is not from Him.
my favorite part is the last line, "the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders," i remember i had an image of me sitting on God's shoulders, like a daughter with her daddy. it is still an image that makes my heart fill with joy. i thank Him greatly for that, it may be why i cling to this verse so tightly.

i think i'll turn in for an hour or so. :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dad

I remember loving you.
It bothers me that I still do.

I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.

i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around

i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry

i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy

what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent

the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing

did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?

do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?

i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you

i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to

but even that isn't enough

1.14.09

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

when it's kinda late...

i wonder what comes next.

are You asking me to let go?
to grieve?
to jump into more, another challenge?

i honestly don't know.

all i know is that it feels pretty overwhelming; i know you don't dish out more than i can handle and i feel i am at that breaking point.
i see and feel you all around, but it's difficult. quite difficult.

you're probably right, i need more time with you. time i've neglected to give in order to avoid these questions i don't necessarily want answers to.

we'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Our Responsibility

Growing up, I heard the discussion of Protestant community versus the Catholic community. Sadly, it seems like that war/critique hasn't dissipated. Christians are condemning Catholics, doing so openly in conversation.

Protestants believe that the Catholic community does not have a true experience of God, while the Catholic community believes that the Protestant community needs to take a more active role in living out their faith.

Being Protestant, I admit that I have tension when it comes to the Catholic tradition; however, I believe that my first priority is to lead those that are lost, those who do not know Jesus. I know some Catholic students who are very active in their faith and challenge me greatly in my own faith. On the flip side, I also know Catholic students who attend mass due to a cultural or familial obligation. BUT I do not believe it is my place to condemn ANYONE.

Regardless if we are Protestant or Catholic, it is our responsibility to reach and lead those who do not know Jesus to Him. It saddens me that the Protestant community has opted for condemnation within the Christian community rather than guide those who they believe do not know the "real" Jesus to His side.

It is our responsibility as a Christian community to lead those who are lost.

You can't give what you don't have.

As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.

This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.

It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.

Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.

I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.

You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.

Friday, July 24, 2009

July 24, 2009

I want to be loved, like everyone else.
I want to know that I am cherished by someone, that someone is living because I am.
That they look forward to seeing me, holding me, and making me smile.
A smile that only they see.
I want to be in love.

I am amazed at how you love me.
You wake me with a song, a smile, the sunrise...
It really doesn't matter, you make me smile and you make me truly happy.
I know I am cherished by you, you tell me almost every day.
I know I am loved unconditionally by you, you are the one that chose me.

I know life wouldn't be the same without you, the relationship we have is one of the ages.
The love I receive from you is one so beautiful that I could weep, and sometimes I do.
Your reminder of me being your beloved one often strikes me.
I can hardly understand how much love you have for me.
I shouldn't be loved by you this way.


You give me joy to smile and live day to day.
You shower me with love, my heart overflows with it.
And I dance and sing because you do.
"He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will...rejoice over you with singing."
I am Your beloved.

[Quotation from Zephaniah 3:17]

Monday, July 6, 2009

No apologies.

A part of me greatly wishes that I had an open heart, an open heart that were open to everything and everyone that came my way, a heart that was willing to love unconditionally.
There are people I wish I had let walk into my heart instead of shutting the door and causing to turn away. However, I know that my heart has become guarded for a reason, not everyone has loved me as they should, have inflicted more pain than good and have left me regretting the fact that they were in my life. Although I regret that you caused me pain, I am glad that you taught me what you did and that I am both stronger and wiser for it.
Often I wish that God would take away that pain and that you would be erased, for my life was greatly molded by you, my view of your gender and my opinion of most of the human race. Although that is my wish, I am also glad that I do not get to dictate my life, I am glad that the pain remains and that I get to remember both the good and the bad as well as cherish the love that has been given to me so freely by those that He has given me to both love and laugh beside me.
I don't apologize for the anger that sometimes still rages within, the frustration in wanting you near... I don't apologize because I know that restoration is not of me, but of the One that loved me. I don't apologize because it is because of you that I got to know that love, the love that continues to free me and save me as I continue to walk along this path that seems to bring me only pain and forgive you all the same.
I pray that one day you get to share in my forgiveness and compassion for you, and that you're able to forgive yourself. Although you caused pain, God meant to use it for good (Genesis 50:20); and for that I can love that much more deeply, and I sincerely hope that you're able to share in that with me. Someday.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dear Sol,

I am currently reading a book called, War Letters by Andrew Carroll; it is a collection of letters written by men and women in the Armed Forces since the Civil War (up to the Persian War and the Gulf War). It is a book that has engaged by own knowledge of what is happening in the battle field, especially for military men and women and their families.

After stumbling upon this letter on page 214, I immediately came to the realization of what it must mean to receive a letter from a loved one, especially one that you do not desire to get.

Dear Sol,
I know its been quite some time since you last heard from me and no doubt you've been wondering why the long absence. This is by far the most difficult thing I've had to do and you must realize how much it pains me to do this.
I've always been honest with you Sol & I believe you deserve only the truth from me, for you yourself are so fine & wonderful a person. So I'll be perfectly honest with you, I've met someone I care for very much.
I realize too well how you must feel right now, but do you think it is fair to give only part of my devotion to you? You deserve more than that, for you are too fine a person to receive anything half way about it. And it would never be fair to either of us.
Don't think for a moment that it was your fault Sol. I don't believe it was either of our faults. Neither of us wished to have things happen as they did. It just happened & we can't do anything about it. Guess they call it fate.
You've been wonderful to me all along & I think you are one of the grandest, sincerest people I've had the honor of meeting. I'm certain you'll meet someone in the very near future who will be able to give you what I can no longer give. For someone as fine and understanding a person as you Sol deserves only the best in life.
I'm returning your gifts & the ring to your mother, which I believe is the only fair thing to do. Thank her & your Dad for being so wonderful to me. If I could spare you & them all this, believe me Sol, I would, but I see no way.
Please try to find some forgiveness in your heart, for I honestly didn't want it to end this way, but I guess it just had to be.
I'd like very much to remain friends but that of course is entirely up to you.
Here's wishing you the very best in life, for all who know you, know full well, that you certainly deserve it. Good luck to you always & here's wishing you a happy voyage home & soon.

Annette.

The reason this letter was so powerful is because that is my name to whom it is addressed. It was interesting to flip through and see your name staring at you. Reading this letter broke my heart, having been in a situation where I wondered about a potential relationship, this letter arrived just in time. :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Songs of 2008

So these are all songs that resonated in my mind or my heart during the year 2008. I tend to write down song lyrics that speak to me, and these are the ones that I found written from January thru December of 2008.
  • Delicate-Damien Rice
  • The Closing of the Doors
  • Gentle Savior- David Phelps
  • Wonderful- Everclear
  • Lucky Star- Debbie Reynolds
  • Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
  • First Cut Is the Deepest- Sheryl Crowe
  • Twist of Fate- U2
  • My Desire- Kirk Franklin
  • "God Who Answers Prayer", Psalm 65
  • Who Am I?- Point of Grace
  • When You Believe- Prince of Egypt
  • When Love Takes You In- Steven Curtis Chapman
  • Moment Made for Worshipping- Steven Curtis Chapman
  • Unify Us, Purify Us
  • You Said
  • Blessed Be Your Name
  • None, But Jesus
  • Let Go- Grey Holiday
  • I Will Follow You
  • Temprano yo te buscare
  • Cry In My Heart- Starfield
  • Everlasting- Hillsong
  • You Dance Over Me
  • The More I Seek You
  • Just Want You Around- Lauryn Hill
  • Broken- Lifehouse
  • Learning to Breathe- Switchfoot
  • You- Switchfoot
  • This is Home- Switchfoot
  • Wait for Me- Rebecca St. James
  • Coming Home- John Legend
  • Hold You in My Arms- Ray LaMontagne

Silent Whispers

Silent whispers
And all I can understand
Is that the world I know
is slipping away

The uncertainty makes me nervous
But I know that if I am patient
I will hear You once more

The pieces fall one at a time
They confuse me
How do they fit so closely together?
I do not understand

I never asked You for this!
Yet you give it so freely,
a dream from what seems like
from another lifetime

Your silent whispers
I am learning to trust them
To heed your direction
And understand You will not
Steer me wrong

I believe You
And I trust in You
My only fear is that I am not enough
That I am not enough for the calling
or Your service

November 8, 2008 1:48 a.m.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Hug Me (Please)

Abrazame by Camila

Tienes que saber
Que es lo último que pido,
Que estoy desesperado
Y según mis latidos
No me queda mucho
Tiempo a mi favor.

Y antes de perder
De vista mi camino
Quiero mirarte un poco
Y soñar que el destino
Es junto a tí, mi amor.

Quédate un segundo aquí
A hacerme compañía,
Y quédate tantito más
Quiero sentirte mía.

CORO
Y abrázame... y abrázame...
Y abrázame... y abrázame...

Hoy me he dado cuenta
Que no había sentido
Tanto miedo antes,
Que yo no decido
Que Dios lo hace mejor.

Y antes de perder
De vista mi camino
Quiero mirarte un poco
Y soñar que el destino
Es junto a tí, mi amor.

Quédate un segundo aquí
A hacerme compañía,
Y quédate tantito más
Quiero sentirte mía.

CORO

Dame una razón para quedarme
Yo no quiero tu compasión,
Quiero que estes conmigo
Hasta que me haya ido...

CORO (x2)

Tienes que saber
Que es lo último que pido,
Que estoy desesperado
Y según mis latidos
No me queda mucho
Tiempo a mi favor...

I guess I'm on a Camila/any-sappy-song-will-do phase. Honestly, i just really like this song.
Yes, it's up on YouTube, it's beautiful. Listen. :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Shadows II

The shadows fall behind
The anger, the anxiety, the fear
How could I forget
That you were always so near

A great relief sets in
I know you are here
And you do not fret
Through my hesitation and despair

My heart overflows
I grin from ear to ear
For I cannot easily forget
The sacrifice that brought me cheer

My love for you is limitless
For I am certain
It is clear
That I am cherished
That I am dear

Shadows

The shadows fall behind
How could I be so blind
It was always there in my mind
I just did not want to see

You offer me the greatest desire
A love stronger than anyone's ire
Your protection deeper than the sea
A passion as hot as fire

I fell in love with the elusive dream
One that seemed so out of reach
A dream that is suddenly
The sole reason why my heart beats

To Dad:

Hi Daddy.
It will soon be my 21st birthday; I wish you were here to spend it with me. I wish that you would understand that I need you in my life, that I want to walk with you down the street, hold your hand and smile up at you like I once did sixteen years ago.
I already forgave you.
Now inside my heart I want to hold you and call you Daddy. Who knows if that day will ever come.

This is what I wrote during a Spanish class; I should have been listening, but my mind seemed consumed with finding him and knowing him as a daughter should.

However, my amazing Father gave me a great image on a night when I felt so alone; he gave me that same image I longed for: being held by the hand, and not walking down a street, but walking by the ocean (my favorite place) and to mind came this:

My God has called me daughter
there is nothing more precious to me
than the way he holds my hand
and draws me near

I can't describe what it means to feel that kind of love; to have it wrap around you. The closest I can get is how heat envelops you during summer and how you can't seem to escape it. That's how it feels, and I'll admit, there is nothing I'd have instead.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hold You in My Arms

I heard this song while watching a play by Street Lamp Productions, a play based on the prodigal son. This song was played as the next scene was being set up, and everytime I listen to it some line resonates. Please take a listen.

Hold You in My Arms- Ray Lamontagne

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)


So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Surrounded by LOVE


It's been this week that I realize just how blessed I truly am.
Even as I go on Facebook, and I see comments that people leave for me, or just remember moments that we had in looking at uploaded pictures; my face breaks into a grin.
And I think about the love I have poured out, and yet how much I receive each and everyday.
I get calls, texts, emails and I just feel...overwhelmed.

I often tease my friend Jonathan about how cool he is. He just turns it on me, and says, "You're cool!" The truth is, I feel like that about all my friends, how could I be so fortunate as to have all of them in my life. The best part: they probably feel the same way about me.

As I walk on campus, I know that I am surrounded by love. It's everywhere. In hellos, in smiles and in the hugs I receive on my way to class...

How much love surrounds you?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Losing Patience


Do you remember your childhood?
Nothing was impossible.

I remember finger painting, using chalk, drawing with nothing but a pencil and a pink eraser.
Art is not so easy anymore.
I remember middle school, using that chalk to draw a surreal landscape, and later drawing an avocado that I am proud of to this day.
What happened?
I pick up a pencil, and all I can see are the flaws within the piece I just created.
I get frustrated because of the inadequacy that I feel my ideas for new pieces are.

Somewhere progressing through life, we begin to lose confidence, begin to lose patience.
Not so suddenly, but as we go through, things become difficult, maybe even impossible.

I want to reclaim that sense of childhood when everything was possible and everything was a new adventure to try; something new. Fear was shot out the window. I want to go back to that.
I will be trying new medium of art, as well as try to play a little guitar.
I'm hoping that little girl is still within, daring me to defy fear.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Too Much to Ask?

As I've gone on this journey of looking at my own brokenness and wrestling with God as to why it is that he is bringing it up now I have come to one very obvious conclusion.

I'm needy.

And although that five letter word has a horrible connotation I am okay with that. I am okay with being needy, at least I have come to recognize that attention and love are things that I need to look for in my relationships and understand that they are things that I need to control as well.

My neediness is something that keeps me in check, as it reminds me that I am not the only person that needs both love and attention, but that I am also called to give what I seek as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this need and that I am called to be the answer to that prayer; the prayer that is also my own.

However, there is an ugly side that manifests itself. The side of me that is insecure and wishes that I could have things my way. In talking to friends I realize that the effort I put in relationships is not reciprocated; friends with whom I used to call and try to write letters often to decide to put their time and energy in others. My pride is shot, when did they get so close is a question that lingers... instead of just being happy for them.

My insecurity and resentment clouds my own happiness with the friends that I already have and the family that has been brought forward because of these friendships. Why am I looking so far away when I have it so good here?! I don't know.

Mission: Focus on the beauty and happiness that is around me. I like what school I go to, my friends, my family. Life can't get much better than this, I just have to make a point to notice it each and every day.

I choose to, starting today. I choose to be free of insecurity by not being invested in my the people I want and focus on the blessing that those around me truly are.

"You, my brothers and sisters, are called to be free."
-Galatians 5:13