Saturday, January 30, 2010

i'm holding back.

today was so beautiful.
even the night was beautiful, the moon was so bright.

yet here i sit, unable to really engage with You.

i couldn't today.
almost like i was mad at you...
there are just some buttons i don't like pushed.

and you push them anyway.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

the spanish author in me is becoming dominant.

i finally wrote and spoke things in spanish.

i hadn't really done that to convey a lot of emotion before.

i'm excited to post.


a walk-through.

i think i learned this weekend what it means to walk through this journey.
so much of this year, my life has felt like a sprint.

i feel like this weekend i was walking...enjoying the scenery, the time, the puddles.

it was kinda beautiful.

even my work training on saturday was nice.
ha, training was nice.

praise be to God for rest.

Friday, January 15, 2010

O Ven, Emanuel

Oh Ven, Oh Ven, Emmanuel.

Rescata del mal a Israel.

El vive en un exilio triste.

Desde el dia que tu te fuiste.

Oye su voz, Emmanuel.

Aqui te espera Israel.

Monday, January 11, 2010


No he escrito una composición en Español todavía.

Esto se corejirá muy pronto.

Estoy un poco nerviosa de escribir creativamente en español, y a la misma vez muy entusiasmada.


Sean a Ti.

Dios del cielo y de la tierra,
reinas con autoridad.
Invencible, Padre tierno,
Gloria Honra y Majestad....

Sean a ti, Rey y Señor,
el Gran Yo Soy,
mi bendición.
Sean a ti, Cordero y León,
Fuente de Vida, mi redención.

//Toda la adoración
y la admiración, sean a ti//

Dios del cielo y de la tierra,
reinas con autoridad.
Invencible, Padre tierno,
Gloria Honra y Majestad....

Sean a ti, Rey y Señor,
el Gran Yo Soy,
mi bendición.
Sean a ti, Cordero y León,
Fuente de Vida, mi redención.
Toda la adoración
y la admiración, sean a ti
Que toda la honra, gloria, adoracion 
y admiracion sean a Ti (no a mi). 

Sunday, January 10, 2010


i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,

knowing, fully, painfully knowing

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom

do i love you enough?

"Do you love me enough to let me go?"

do i?
I was listening to Switchfoot's Hello Hurricane album, the song "Enough To Let Me Go", and I thought of you.

i keep thinking about where we're at, how much i've learned from you, and how much our friendship has allowed God to affirm me and see more of him in you.

now that we're in a new place the question comes up, do i love you enough to let you go?
i know you're not going anywhere.
i know our friendship is strong; rooted in Jesus, trust in one another, and the reality of our brokenness.
and i know that God is good and has my best interests in mind.
there's great comfort in these.

see the problem is that i trust you and i trust me.
do i trust God and his plan for me?
not necessarily, especially since i can't see it.

fall quarter i felt the Lord asking me to let go, but i wasn't feeling it. i didn't want to.
now i see it, i see the ways in which letting go was protection, a whisper of guidance in love for me.
this whole process has been me learning how to have a process of learning how to trust men; men who have typically hurt me in the past.

i praise the Lord for his mercy, patience and immense grace in freeing me from my emotional dependence on a man. i praise him that i can share and live life with men in order to create a full picture of the image of God (see Genesis).

at this point, you're probably thinking back to my initial question, "do i love you enough to let you go?"
the answer, yes. it will be hard, and some days will be more difficult than others, but i love you so much that i can't wait to see the happiness that the Lord has for you in seeing more of Him. in whatever form it comes.