Thursday, May 27, 2010


i still have a difficult time receiving love. not being open when friends and family want to serve me, learning the hard way that they're doing it because they love me.

this is an interesting reality to live in.
living in the constant, want, need to be loved, yet not knowing how to receive that when it is shown to me.
the words, "i'm not going anywhere" are powerful.
too often not spoken, my heart often questioning how long friendships will last and why.
what do i have to offer you?

when L and P called me and said, we want to get you food, my first thought was, "why?"
my heart doubted the goodness of a free delivered meal.
(it was delicious too.)
i love these two dearly, i know their hearts, yet i doubted.

how many times have i doubted You?
i know Your heart, i know that you love me, yet when perfect and good things are presented to me,
i doubt.
i believe you will still give me a stone instead of bread, that my heart will continue to be broken time and time again.

"you are lovable. i guess you've questioned that before."
as i resisted hug after hug from a new friend made in St. Louis, these words were spoken to me.
i stopped.
yes, i question that just about every day.
the scars of the men in my life who didn't see me as lovable haven't faded.
i don't see lovable when i look in the mirror, don't feel particularly lovable when i walk down to campus.
yet, there it was.
said to me point blank so i had to hear it.

i often wonder how long it will take for my heart to see, hear, and taste the goodness of the love You shower upon me every single day through my friends, my family.

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