untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom