Monday, July 6, 2009

No apologies.

A part of me greatly wishes that I had an open heart, an open heart that were open to everything and everyone that came my way, a heart that was willing to love unconditionally.
There are people I wish I had let walk into my heart instead of shutting the door and causing to turn away. However, I know that my heart has become guarded for a reason, not everyone has loved me as they should, have inflicted more pain than good and have left me regretting the fact that they were in my life. Although I regret that you caused me pain, I am glad that you taught me what you did and that I am both stronger and wiser for it.
Often I wish that God would take away that pain and that you would be erased, for my life was greatly molded by you, my view of your gender and my opinion of most of the human race. Although that is my wish, I am also glad that I do not get to dictate my life, I am glad that the pain remains and that I get to remember both the good and the bad as well as cherish the love that has been given to me so freely by those that He has given me to both love and laugh beside me.
I don't apologize for the anger that sometimes still rages within, the frustration in wanting you near... I don't apologize because I know that restoration is not of me, but of the One that loved me. I don't apologize because it is because of you that I got to know that love, the love that continues to free me and save me as I continue to walk along this path that seems to bring me only pain and forgive you all the same.
I pray that one day you get to share in my forgiveness and compassion for you, and that you're able to forgive yourself. Although you caused pain, God meant to use it for good (Genesis 50:20); and for that I can love that much more deeply, and I sincerely hope that you're able to share in that with me. Someday.

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