honor.

since last wednesday, i've sat in frustration, pain, apathy and grief.
i've been short with people, lacked animation, laughter, joy.
all i can say is, i'm sorry.

sorry for shutting you out, sorry for not having the words to let you in.
i can barely explain it to myself.
i am grateful that Jesus knows all my thoughts, so i don't have to explain it to him.
i can't.

[but here's a part i can find words for]
i think back to the boy who stopped me in the hallways of my high school every day to our second class of the day.
just to hug me and say he'd see me at lunch with that brilliant smile of his.
the boy who learned that i smiled easily, especially as he made faces across the room in our world history class.
the boy who found me during prom just to make sure i got some of the cheesy bread (his excuse to make sure i was having a good time)
the boy who knew what it meant to live a life of service: both to his God and his country.

this week i grieve this boy, caleb 'bubba' manning. it seems to cut deeper with every year that passes, but bubba, i'll honor your life by living the way you did: with joy, zeal, passion and a deep love for God.

i love you, buddy.

Shoreline

The beach has always been my refuge with sand that greets my feet with warmth, with water that is incredibly blue, and with gusts of wind that I can lose myself while I'm thinking, and while my feet walk parallel to the waves crashing onto the shore.
I love the beach, it's been where I go on days when I feel like singing so no one will hear, where I went when I got some soul stirring news...where I go to spend some time with my Papa.
It's where I rest.

It's appropriate that the church I find myself in is called, Shoreline. And just like my thoughts on the beach, Shoreline has become a haven. A haven in the middle of Westwood, amidst all the young college students who are figuring out life. I've found a haven.
Yes, it's completely and utterly different than what I pictured my church would look like after InterVarsity. It's not as diverse as I pictured, not as showy in it's love... but it's become the place where I rest.
Interesting, isn't it?
It's become the place where I anchor myself and ready myself for the week. It's where new, deep and real friendships have emerged from and where I grow with every new Sunday, every new teaching.
It's where I sing so that no one will hear, but that everyone might. It's where I am shyly learning to speak my voice and change the church with my gifting and insight.
I come here to spend time with my Papa, but also with my brothers and sisters.

:)

[14].

I decided to start over. I was originally going to write a poem, something that would sound hokey and possibly make you chuckle, but I realized that's not really me.

Well, not always, so I'll stick to what I know.

We've seen a lot of life together.

We have cried, laughed until our sides have hurt and have held each other's hands as we've learned to see God in situations that simply do not make sense.

You've extended grace and mercy to me time and time again; often, by you choosing to come into my world and remind me that this too shall pass.

You're one of the greatest friends I never asked for, and one of my most treasured gifts.

I love you more than I could say, and honestly, I don't really know why I'm trying.

Thank you for loving me the way I need to be loved, for being so intentional that I don't even have to ask

 ...

you're already doing something to fix whatever jam I find myself in.

Thanks for being the person I was always too afraid to ask for,

one who understands me, knowing that exclaiming that I need a cookie actually meant emotional turmoil, reading my facial expressions (you know, that day when I wanted to "punch the world"), 

loaning me your Dad 'cause mine's out of commission,

for making me smile, challenging the things I think I can't do...

that's why you're my twin, my sister

forever.

Happy birthday, Monte.

  

I made a mistake.

By not believing enough in my friends.
I have kept their things theirs, my own to myself. Their interests, their problems, their families.
I haven't wanted to fuse our lives as I now see that I should.
Meshing our stuff, our cultures, our food.
Our problems, our sin, all of our mess.

What is the point of true friendship if you don't commit to it?
The friendships I want are ones that are deep. Real.
So I'm going to start pursuing real friendships.
Talking about, and showing the things that I am passionate about. The things that I want to invest in, opening the door for them to join in with me.
Opening the door to making my friendships deep. Real.

So off the top of my head, these are the things I love. The things I invest in, the things I pray, lose sleep over, and cry over.

Military personnel: I try to write two letters every week to Soldiers and other military personnel. I have a soft spot for the military. I hope to one day make a great military friend to be able to support them while they're on deployment.

Latino issues: I love Latino people! The Lord has blessed me with a deep, deep love for the people I come from. I seek to have my life reflect the redemption that can come from having someone love their own culture while loving everyone else's. Racial rec, here I come.

The inner city: I have had the pleasure of visiting two cities, both Fresno, CA and St. Louis, MO. It was there that God affirmed and then reaffirmed my love of the inner city. I have a deep love of Fresno and St. Louis, coupled with a deep desire to go back to the places where I see God's people quite clearly.

Letter writing: I am an old soul when it comes to letters. They're my preferred mode of communication. The best day is when I go to the mailbox and and find a letter from someone I love instead of junk mail or bills.

Books: My favorite pass time. I usually read before sleeping, often staying up later than I intend because I get wrapped up in the book. Favorite authors currently are: Donald Miller, Dee Henderson, and Victor Villasenor.
So if you'd like to get to know me better, (even if we've known each other for a couple years), feel free to ask me about any of these things, or tell me about the things that interest you and we'll talk about it.

My heart

is quite insecure.

As the year is winding down and I am entering this new phase of life, of growing up and finding a genuine community outside of BCF-

I need to be reassured that friendships are staying friendships.

And that You (and you) aren't going anywhere.

most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

crumbling bridges.

crumbling bridges are hard to walk on.

the past few weeks i felt like i was losing my friendships.
 i haven't been as attentive as i've been very self focused.
throwing pity parties for myself and wanting others to baby me...
crumbling bridges are difficult to repair.

i spent a lot of time in my room and not really talking to friends.
trying to re-enter into deep conversations about their lives and what God has been up to...
it was awkward.

i felt the strain and the reminder that friendship is a two-way street. friendship, true friendship, is forged in the day to day... in the messy, ugly and also joyful...
but every aspect is important.

i have limited time left.
time to invest and learn, time to lay a foundation so these friends, brothers and sisters will be in my life forever.
yes, i want them to be aunts, uncles, mentors... the family that i will have as i continue on this journey of life-seeking the permanence of a home, the reflection of jesus in a mate, and the joy of small souls (get it?) running around my home that will be home base.

let the mixing of cement (for the foundation) begin. :)

The Men in My Life

They're pretty amazing.
It took me a long time to actually embrace that sentiment.
I remember when it happened though.

I remember when I went from skittish to curious, my curiosity causing me to get closer to the men.
I could name them all; the ones that have loved me unashamedly.
The men that have become my brothers, brothers deeper than blood.
They're in my heart.

Catalyst was another revelation.
Yes, I love them. Like brothers.
Yet this trust thing is still really difficult.

I had to verbally tell two of them that I pledge friendship and full trust in them.
Friendship-with all the messiness and implications. Confrontation, reconciliation, truth in how this is difficult for me.
Trust- continuing to be honest. Especially when I don't want to be.
Their response?
HUG. Huge hug.

I'm not going to lie, though the hugs were great; the blaring thought in my head was:
this is not going to be easy.

The beautiful part:
I'm actually willing to take a risk and trust these men.

And for that alone, I praise the Lord.