honor.

since last wednesday, i've sat in frustration, pain, apathy and grief.
i've been short with people, lacked animation, laughter, joy.
all i can say is, i'm sorry.

sorry for shutting you out, sorry for not having the words to let you in.
i can barely explain it to myself.
i am grateful that Jesus knows all my thoughts, so i don't have to explain it to him.
i can't.

[but here's a part i can find words for]
i think back to the boy who stopped me in the hallways of my high school every day to our second class of the day.
just to hug me and say he'd see me at lunch with that brilliant smile of his.
the boy who learned that i smiled easily, especially as he made faces across the room in our world history class.
the boy who found me during prom just to make sure i got some of the cheesy bread (his excuse to make sure i was having a good time)
the boy who knew what it meant to live a life of service: both to his God and his country.

this week i grieve this boy, caleb 'bubba' manning. it seems to cut deeper with every year that passes, but bubba, i'll honor your life by living the way you did: with joy, zeal, passion and a deep love for God.

i love you, buddy.

Helen Song

I miss her.
Bunches.

I want to talk with her, you know, in person.
Sit with her at Rendezvous like we would and share (actually not) Mexican dishes.
Watch her eat the tortilla chips and enjoy it thoroughly.

I miss her laugh with a snort at the end if it was something really funny.
And my giggle just because I would be thinking she was adorable.

I miss walking with her randomly and make a crack about how I wanted to hold her hand.
And then I would.
'Cause she'd let me. :)

I miss her most when I listen to Oren Lavie.
I think of her in DC, walking down the street enjoying life and realizing who she's meant to be.
Or walking down that path to discovery.

I miss her because she's Helen.
Helen Song.

i really hope this didn't embarrass you too much, Helen. <3