Oh, Boy.

I find that I can't really focus, here's to hoping this'll help.

It's true, I haven't felt this way about a boy, ever.
One that truly inspires and challenges the way I look at Jesus and causes me to strive to see more of Him day by day.
He speaks, and my heart listens, wants to be lead. Being more than relieved that I am being lead, instead of leading.

And yet, as I sat across a new and dear friend after church on one Sunday, finally learning that 'boy' is not interested in me the way I am in him.
My heart breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Relief that I wouldn't have to worry about when, how, what this would look like if it (finally) worked out.
And suddenly, after having some time with my Papa...it all went away.
The feelings, the worry, the wondering, the wandering of my heart for 'boy'.

And as I started looking at mine and 'boy's friendship, I realized that our hearts aren't really compatible. At least not right now. My deep loves aren't meshed into his life, his plans for the future. My love of Latino people, my love of the city, my deep deep commitment to those that have walked life with me.
And I am grateful to Jesus, that he has walked beside me these past few years to know what I am needing more and more in the man I will eventually call Husband.

I need someone who 'gets me'...one who understands...
my commitment to those I have lead, served, served with...
my deep love of the city... I have fallen in love with both Fresno, CA and St.Louis, MO. I need someone who shares that with me.
my love of Latino community... I love my people, and I need someone who is willing to make a fool out of themselves as they eat spicy food, go salsa dancing and put up with my crazy (yet lovable) familia.

Yes, I'm grateful for this latest disappointment in a potential romantic relationship. Grateful because it's showing me more of who I am, more of what I need...and causing me to remember more of my friend L's words, "if it's not him, it'll be someone better!"

Thanks, Papa, for not letting me settle. :)

I made a mistake.

By not believing enough in my friends.
I have kept their things theirs, my own to myself. Their interests, their problems, their families.
I haven't wanted to fuse our lives as I now see that I should.
Meshing our stuff, our cultures, our food.
Our problems, our sin, all of our mess.

What is the point of true friendship if you don't commit to it?
The friendships I want are ones that are deep. Real.
So I'm going to start pursuing real friendships.
Talking about, and showing the things that I am passionate about. The things that I want to invest in, opening the door for them to join in with me.
Opening the door to making my friendships deep. Real.

So off the top of my head, these are the things I love. The things I invest in, the things I pray, lose sleep over, and cry over.

Military personnel: I try to write two letters every week to Soldiers and other military personnel. I have a soft spot for the military. I hope to one day make a great military friend to be able to support them while they're on deployment.

Latino issues: I love Latino people! The Lord has blessed me with a deep, deep love for the people I come from. I seek to have my life reflect the redemption that can come from having someone love their own culture while loving everyone else's. Racial rec, here I come.

The inner city: I have had the pleasure of visiting two cities, both Fresno, CA and St. Louis, MO. It was there that God affirmed and then reaffirmed my love of the inner city. I have a deep love of Fresno and St. Louis, coupled with a deep desire to go back to the places where I see God's people quite clearly.

Letter writing: I am an old soul when it comes to letters. They're my preferred mode of communication. The best day is when I go to the mailbox and and find a letter from someone I love instead of junk mail or bills.

Books: My favorite pass time. I usually read before sleeping, often staying up later than I intend because I get wrapped up in the book. Favorite authors currently are: Donald Miller, Dee Henderson, and Victor Villasenor.
So if you'd like to get to know me better, (even if we've known each other for a couple years), feel free to ask me about any of these things, or tell me about the things that interest you and we'll talk about it.