most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

i don't like clams.

it's true, i don't like clams.

when you shut down, turn off any indicator of what's going on with you...
we both know something's wrong.
that defensive mechanism, of you being stoic and being in a surly mood without explaining why...
it hurts.

we both know you're in pain, and you pushing me away makes me want to walk away.
i don't like walking away from you.

i'm an esfj.
i help people, and you flat out denying me any sense of me being able to do that hurts.

you make me feel like i don't matter, like i couldn't possibly offer anything to you.
which simultaneously makes me wonder why i'm even still in this friendship.

i've thought about it, walking away.
i've thought what life would look like without you in my life, and guess what?
you're worth fighting for.
you're worth me asking and pushing, and groaning when you're silent or when you physically walk away 'cause you just don't want to talk to me.

you're worth it.

untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom

Dancing thoughts swirling around.

I often find myself with dancers,
movement
or the sensation of dancing
floating in my head.

I'll be walking back to my room,
or off to class
and I'll think of a dance move to do.

Most of the time
it doesn't matter.
I can't do most of it anyway.

At the same time,
I wonder when I will.
If that thing that my heart and my head desire are
achievable.

If it is a desire,
it should be attainable.
Right?

So the question is:
am I willing to risk looking like a fool,
working from square one
in order to achieve it?

Do I believe it's worth it?

Time to get my butt back in dance class.