most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

delight.

i remember sitting on the plane coming back from urbana, sitting next to a family of four: mom, dad, brother and daughter.
i felt especially curious about the smallest one, a little girl who was wearing pink pants, pink sneakers, curly hair wearing headphones on her head. she was singing as the plane made itself down the jetway, and ultimately took off. she was having a blast.
i was watching her, asking her dad to change the music, requesting songs...actually it was just one song, on repeat.

i remember watching her and being fascinated. she was just so cute.
her hair, face, and tiny hands and feet were an absolute delight to see.
so beautiful.
i almost giggled out loud as she continued to sing, as she just did what she knew what to do.

a small question floated through the din of the airplane turbulation,
do You delight in me as much as I delight in her?

i didn't hear a response, i just got a feeling of affirmation.
as if You were saying,
of course, but you knew that already.

i smiled.
Lord, I still don't understand how you can find me that
cute,
endearing,
cherished...
i don't get it.

but as i continued to look at her and laugh in joy at who she was and how she slightly danced in her seat and sang unabashedly, i couldn't help but disagree.