honor.

since last wednesday, i've sat in frustration, pain, apathy and grief.
i've been short with people, lacked animation, laughter, joy.
all i can say is, i'm sorry.

sorry for shutting you out, sorry for not having the words to let you in.
i can barely explain it to myself.
i am grateful that Jesus knows all my thoughts, so i don't have to explain it to him.
i can't.

[but here's a part i can find words for]
i think back to the boy who stopped me in the hallways of my high school every day to our second class of the day.
just to hug me and say he'd see me at lunch with that brilliant smile of his.
the boy who learned that i smiled easily, especially as he made faces across the room in our world history class.
the boy who found me during prom just to make sure i got some of the cheesy bread (his excuse to make sure i was having a good time)
the boy who knew what it meant to live a life of service: both to his God and his country.

this week i grieve this boy, caleb 'bubba' manning. it seems to cut deeper with every year that passes, but bubba, i'll honor your life by living the way you did: with joy, zeal, passion and a deep love for God.

i love you, buddy.

Remembering Caleb "Bubba" Manning

Bubba-
I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for always hugging me during our first passing period of the day. You don't know how much that meant to me. It was a time when I felt invisible, and for that brief time that we talked as we stalled walking to our class, you made me feel visible.
I remember sophomore year, sitting in Ancient Civilization and venting at how pointless we thought the coursework was, you making faces from across the room and making me laugh. You always made me laugh.
I didn't quite know it at the time, but a lot of my high school memories have you in them, memories that remind me that someone did care about me in high school. Somehow you knew that I needed a tall friend who would hug me and make me laugh. I only wish I could have told you that sooner.
I miss you, buddy. A lot. I miss having to look up in order to see you face to face, your hugs that always came at the right time, your sense of humor, and your genuine concern for the friends in your life.
I know that you're in Heaven, but that doesn't undermine the fact that I wish I could see you, talk to you and return the favor of making you laugh as much as you did me. I pray that you're having a ball; swimming, playing water polo and doing everything that you loved when you were here. The grief eases up a bit when I think I'll get to share Paradise with you one day.

-Sol