Oh, Boy.

I find that I can't really focus, here's to hoping this'll help.

It's true, I haven't felt this way about a boy, ever.
One that truly inspires and challenges the way I look at Jesus and causes me to strive to see more of Him day by day.
He speaks, and my heart listens, wants to be lead. Being more than relieved that I am being lead, instead of leading.

And yet, as I sat across a new and dear friend after church on one Sunday, finally learning that 'boy' is not interested in me the way I am in him.
My heart breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Relief that I wouldn't have to worry about when, how, what this would look like if it (finally) worked out.
And suddenly, after having some time with my Papa...it all went away.
The feelings, the worry, the wondering, the wandering of my heart for 'boy'.

And as I started looking at mine and 'boy's friendship, I realized that our hearts aren't really compatible. At least not right now. My deep loves aren't meshed into his life, his plans for the future. My love of Latino people, my love of the city, my deep deep commitment to those that have walked life with me.
And I am grateful to Jesus, that he has walked beside me these past few years to know what I am needing more and more in the man I will eventually call Husband.

I need someone who 'gets me'...one who understands...
my commitment to those I have lead, served, served with...
my deep love of the city... I have fallen in love with both Fresno, CA and St.Louis, MO. I need someone who shares that with me.
my love of Latino community... I love my people, and I need someone who is willing to make a fool out of themselves as they eat spicy food, go salsa dancing and put up with my crazy (yet lovable) familia.

Yes, I'm grateful for this latest disappointment in a potential romantic relationship. Grateful because it's showing me more of who I am, more of what I need...and causing me to remember more of my friend L's words, "if it's not him, it'll be someone better!"

Thanks, Papa, for not letting me settle. :)

The Men in My Life

They're pretty amazing.
It took me a long time to actually embrace that sentiment.
I remember when it happened though.

I remember when I went from skittish to curious, my curiosity causing me to get closer to the men.
I could name them all; the ones that have loved me unashamedly.
The men that have become my brothers, brothers deeper than blood.
They're in my heart.

Catalyst was another revelation.
Yes, I love them. Like brothers.
Yet this trust thing is still really difficult.

I had to verbally tell two of them that I pledge friendship and full trust in them.
Friendship-with all the messiness and implications. Confrontation, reconciliation, truth in how this is difficult for me.
Trust- continuing to be honest. Especially when I don't want to be.
Their response?
HUG. Huge hug.

I'm not going to lie, though the hugs were great; the blaring thought in my head was:
this is not going to be easy.

The beautiful part:
I'm actually willing to take a risk and trust these men.

And for that alone, I praise the Lord.