Smoke Signals

That Friday night after watching "Smoke Signals" I cried. I cried a lot.
I cried more than I had all Spring quarter, I think.
The themes of the movie are: poverty, adventure and the loss of a father (death and emotional detachment). As soon as Todd spoke the themes, I was already groaning.
I knew God was going to do something in me that night.

As I watched the movie, I felt wounds being uncovered to be aired out and dressed again. Wounds that I had avoided for far too long.
The question by Victor in the movie, "Did my Dad ever talk about me?"
It floored me.

I've asked that question to myself so many times. I have wondered if Dad ever thought about me, wondered what I was up to. If he ever asked about me.
I wonder that still.
I wonder if he thinks of me, if he cares what's happened to me.

And then I started to cry.

I cried 'cause I am frustrated with myself that I still wonder.
That I still hope that he's thought of me now and again.
I still cry on occassion 'cause I wish he did.
I cry 'cause I wish I was further on the journey towards healing.
The part where I didn't need my Dad.
And if you're wondering if there's any resolution, the answer is not really.

I have a lot of feelings that feel as if they'll never go away, but I also hold onto the hope of two pieces of Scripture that have been given to me.

"You, my Daughter, are called to be free" (Galatians 5:13). I know that freedom is near, that the journey is meant to be one that I walk and sometimes run, but I always have my Papa right there with me.

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields her all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders" (Deuteronomy 33:12). And I know that in the midst of the chaos and madness and frustration, I have a steady place to rest my head, to sleep in the arms of my Papa.

Your Beloved.

Lord it was You who
Created the Heavens
Lord it was Your hand 
That put the stars in their place

Lord it is Your voice 
That commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves
Bow at Your feet


Lord who am I
Compared to Your glory, Oh Lord
Lord who am I
Compared to Your majesty


I am Your beloved
Your creation
And You love me as I am


You have called me chosen
For your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own
I am Your beloved.

You know, for the longest time, I didn't like this song. Particularly the questioning bit.
It made me feel less. I felt like the song was glorifying creation and making me less.
The thought process was, "Lord, who am I? I can't compare to stars or the ocean..."
But I am Your beloved, you love me even though I can't compare to those things. It was finally
at our large group meeting with InterVarsity that I realized that the beloved part is the response that God
has for us, as we question our place, our beauty, everything... he comes back and says, you're my beloved.
He loves me the same (more, I'd wager) than the rest of creation. And that is an awe-inspiring thing.

truth.

i know i won't get it right
i mess up most of the time
but even as i fail
He blesses me anyway
(that's grace)

You are my beloved.

failure isn't the end.
it's a new beginning.

let the beloved of the Lord
rest secure in him, for he
shields her all day long and the one
the Lord loves, rests between his shoulders.

hallelujah,
every breath is a second chance.

beloved of the LORD.

Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields her all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders.

Deuteronomy 33:12

a new day

"let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields her all day long, and the one the
LORD loves rests between his shoulders."
deuteronomy 33:12

it's 4:30 am. a part of me really wants to sleep and yet the other wants to stay awake and see the sunrise; after all, each morning is another chance to be with God. i like the idea of a sunrise, the sacrifice of waking up for it as well as seeing that beauty while sitting with God and being able to tell him how wonderful it is to do so.

the verse. it was given to me on a sunday morning as i reflected on my own insecurities and wants. i am called to "rest secure" and let God shield me from what is not from Him.
my favorite part is the last line, "the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders," i remember i had an image of me sitting on God's shoulders, like a daughter with her daddy. it is still an image that makes my heart fill with joy. i thank Him greatly for that, it may be why i cling to this verse so tightly.

i think i'll turn in for an hour or so. :)