On a Friday.

I'm trying to keep up with the 100 Joys project, but it proves difficult with finals this week.
However, here are the ways I'm seeing joy.


My prayer since the beginning of October has been that I would find family here, in Shoreline (the church I attend), that our small group would feel, act and lean on each other as a family. It's happening.
We're learning to share things that we need to lean on each other, things that we need to share because they're joyful. Learning to trust each other though it's awkward and uncomfortable. Sharing about the search for jobs, why we're so excited for the holidays, telling and listening to each other as we share where God is calling us, feeling known [6].
I'm finding joy in the small things, like worshiping alongside these men from my small group, mingling my voice with their deeper ones [7].

 UCLA has been quiet, for me, anyway. Paper writing is easy, even though it is time consuming, so I've spent a lot of time in my apartment. It has been my joy to have our apartment as a way to bless people [8]. Hosting friends who work late or just want space to hang out.
  In the quiet, it's been great to have space to just sit. To be with a God who wants to know me in every way that is possible, that strives to satisfy who I am. Knowing that I have him as a father is wonder enough [9].
And in the spaces when the apartment isn't still, there are many adventures to be had with my roommate, Winnie. Spending time putting puzzles together, making hot chocolate, watching countless movies... every night is completely different [10].

Dancing in my living room [11]. Dancing because today I got a call from my soon-to-be boss. I have applied, interviewed and waited for timing and skills to workout so that I might land a job. Or should I say, for God to provide the right job. I have a job I will probably start in a week. Infinite possibilities. And a lot of learning. :)

Having a (large) community of people to share good news with [12]. I was able to instantly call friends (that's you, J), share over GChat and update folks on Facebook. It has been so joyful to have folks celebrate with me after a season of waiting and perseverance.

Glory be to God.
Amen.

MOMENTUM: The Promise

This is the sixth entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the link to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

The last night I spent cooking at Momentum, I was able to see BCF.

I won't lie, it was interesting.

The cooking team was eating what was left of the steak Sherry had prepared, and just enjoying the fact that we had fed 60+ students and staff a very legit dinner.

BCF began getting ready for worship, and I wondered what would come around this time.

Previously, I felt left out, wanting to be with BCF and shortly after that resenting serving instead of worshipping the way I knew how.

And this time...

This time, I saw them. I wrote this in my journal that night.

I felt it during tonight's worship. The affirmation of the ministry at UCLA. I saw students- students who know You seeking to see more of Your face while they gain their college education. Students who will put their reputation on the line so that their friends can know You. The countless stories of young men and women who will be the leaders of UCLA, and will lead their own individual movements for you. I finally saw all of the potential in them, the catalyst to what is seen as normal at UCLA. A new definition of witness, of a follower of Jesus.

I saw the way they worship you, it's real. It's true. They've been redeemed, they have seen [and felt] how you love them. And that, my Jesus, is a beautiful thing. [...]

At that moment, watching BCF worship, I was able to see outside of the bias of my leadership. Of the fact that I knew these students, but I was able to see InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship as a movement that was yearning to have UCLA know Jesus.

It blew me away.

I heard a promise from Jesus the beginning of my third year at UCLA, a promise declaring that Jesus would do "crazy things". After a year full of grief, disappointment and confusion; I figured Jesus' promise had been delayed.

My fourth year at UCLA, my final year in BCF, saw a lot of joyful serving. The expansion of an area, the support of a community when I felt at my lowest. All that while I witnessed Jesus bring restoration, redemption and love to those who had not known Him.

And so seeing the beautiful act of worship by BCF, I realized the promise was one I was meant to expect always. I am meant to expect the crazy, amazing, miraculous from Jesus always. Because he has chosen BCF to be his hands and his feet.

So the promise has been fulfilled, and will continue to be.

I mean, how else would 180+ be at Fall Conference this weekend?  :)

MOMENTUM: "You did good."

This is the second entry in my Momentum series, a conference where I was serving and hearing a lot from Jesus as I learned how to transition out of community. Please follow the entry to read the first entry, MOMENTUM: Behind the Counter.

I mentioned in my previous post that I decided to go to Momentum, in a serving role, for myself.
I didn't realize that taking on that role and not being able to be with the rest of BCF that first weekend would be so difficult. As they arrived, as they hugged, some squealed, as they caught up with each other...my head began to drift further and further from the kitchen to where they were, right on the other side of the kitchen counter.
And as I listened, I began to really mourn the transition out of my fellowship.

As we all had dinner, I saw how they enjoyed it, both the food and the company; how grateful they were for the cooking team's service.
I began to relax; but still, I wanted to be with them.

In the time I had spent resting instead of leading; after leading a missions team in  my insecurities began to bubble to the surface. What did I actually do? How did I grow to have spiritual authority among BCF? I don't see it, not anymore. 

After dinner, I finally had a chance to sit and listen.
Listen, without having to pretend that I was being attentive to hot links, spilled drinks, or refilling napkins.
My friend Helen and I sat down at the back of the room as missions testimonies were being shared.
And, slowly, as another rose from his or her chair, shared what God had done in them and in Fresno, Honduras, South L.A., and Turkey, my heart grew more and more full.

And as a young man, Jonathan, shared of his experience in Honduras, what he learned, what he saw and how his outlook on life and on his faith had changed... the fullness of my heart overflowed as tears from my eyes.
I began to weep.
Weep, because I have witnessed the transition of this man. One that I truly call a man of God.
And I see the strength, wisdom and beauty that is growing in him.
The truly amazing  part is, he's not the only one. There are countless moments, stories, journeys just like Jonathan's.
As I sat there amazed and utterly grateful,
I felt a strong hand on my shoulder,
and a whisper from the voice my soul recognizes as His own, saying, "You did good."
And that was enough for my heart to receive that night.

Visitor's Day

I was exhausted at the end of this Saturday.
I was wiped.
I crawled to bed.
It was the best kind of tired.
The tired of hanging out with 25 of your favorite people in the place that you love.
That day was the best I had spent, the most giving day.
The day I understood what it meant to be loved quite tangibly.
I questioned whether you who said you were coming would.
I doubted because I hadn't been reassured.
And lo and behold, there were the people I so eagerly wanted to see.
They had not reassured me because they were coming.
I just didn't know that.
And yes, learning to trust them and the other 23 folks that came was like breathing deeply after holding my breath for a long time.
You see, I question my friendships a lot. Especially now.
Now when I am not fully immersed in our UCLA InterVarsity fellowship.
And so having promises kept is a really big deal for me.
Promises spoken matter of factly at the end of conversation.
Promises where friends understand what FUI has meant to me, and why it was so important to have visitors come and support me in the place where God continues to work so powerfully.
(There'll probably be more on this later.)

Thank you friends, for loving me.

Back to UCLA

I'll be back at UCLA since June 12th.
I feel excited yet completely nervous.
What will this year look like?
What will it hold?
And what will God continue to teach me?

Day 1, tomorrow.
If you're around, let me know.
I'd love to hang out with you. :)

Oh, beautiful day.

Today is one of the most amazing, blessed days I've had in a really long time.

I woke up  at 5:30 am to get ready and come back to UCLA.
I was driven back to UCLA by Mom and Sister while listening to the World Cup.
Mexico and South Africa tied that game.
I caught up with a long time friend while making breakfast.
Ate said breakfast with two new friends.
Sat around as people came in and out of her apartment.
Helped edit a personal statement.
Saw my friend HELEN SONG after a year!
And am now sitting having a (continuous) relaxing day.

Things later today:
watching the best friends I've made while in college walk to complete their college degree, and even though I won't be walking, it's going to be GREAT.
Having dinner with friends who have completed their degrees to celebrate.
Sleeping over and having late night conversations, I'm sure.

So far, a good day. And it'll probably get better. :)

Change, it's in your pocket.

As I walked to my last final of this year, I tapped my back pocket to make sure I had the necessary BruinCard and room key. I also found a silver Half Dollar.
My initial reaction was of surprise, "When did I get a half dollar and put it in my pocket?"
(insert the BCF Visioning Team quoting the phrase, "Change- it's in your pocket.")
The second was a smile, how random but very nice to have it there. I dropped it back in.

I could go on about the significance of my childhood said half dollar represents, but instead I've been thinking (and thinking) about the change that has already come. I've had a good run, you know.
I've laughed, cried harder than I ever thought I'd cry in front of people, and shared secrets as well as song with friends that will probably be friends for the rest of my life.

Now I listen to the sounds of boxes being thrown around in a feeble attempt to pack efficiently, laundry carts on their way up to rooms and back to the turnaround to load things into cars and ultimately have it driven away to its home.

Yes, change is here. And there isn't really anything I can do to stop it.
So here I go.

Your Beloved.

Lord it was You who
Created the Heavens
Lord it was Your hand 
That put the stars in their place

Lord it is Your voice 
That commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves
Bow at Your feet


Lord who am I
Compared to Your glory, Oh Lord
Lord who am I
Compared to Your majesty


I am Your beloved
Your creation
And You love me as I am


You have called me chosen
For your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own
I am Your beloved.

You know, for the longest time, I didn't like this song. Particularly the questioning bit.
It made me feel less. I felt like the song was glorifying creation and making me less.
The thought process was, "Lord, who am I? I can't compare to stars or the ocean..."
But I am Your beloved, you love me even though I can't compare to those things. It was finally
at our large group meeting with InterVarsity that I realized that the beloved part is the response that God
has for us, as we question our place, our beauty, everything... he comes back and says, you're my beloved.
He loves me the same (more, I'd wager) than the rest of creation. And that is an awe-inspiring thing.

the weekend.

did it exceed expectations?
oh yeah.

the weekend began with celebrating the way Jesus met my friends on Thursday.
risk led to an experience, which led to me crying tears of joy.

friday night, Hedrick Con.
it was an awesome way of bonding with community, serving and loving friends who have become vital to my peace of mind, spiritual growth and knowledge of who Jesus is.
favorite moments:
*playing husband and wife (ask, if you don't know what i'm talking about) and hitting the ground so hard, I got rug burn...and a gnarly scrape that i'm more than slightly proud of.

saturday, continuation of Hedrick Con and CACN.
*sharing our memorials and essentially sharing our stories with each other. you always hear bits and pieces of what is happening for folks, but actually hearing and seeing what God has done, is simply amazing.
*the ride to and from UCLA to the OC. it was an awesome way to spend time with rachelle, andy, a.ro and joey! we bonded over music, the game of connection, and trying to not fall asleep on each other's shoulders after the weekend was over (we didn't accomplish that last one).
*the mad dash back to UCLA for CACN. eating yoshinoya at lightning fast speed, driving back, dropping stuff off and then making it to royce only a couple minutes after 7pm when the show started.

sunday, UCLA Powwow with the family and Leaders Meeting
*waking up late and showering, ultimately seeing my mom and sisterS! exclamation on the plural, i didn't know my eldest sister would be here so that was awesome! we ate frybread (so yummy!) and laughed a LOT! it was one of the best days i've had in a long time.
*leaders: singing, thanking God, sharing what our souls need... i'm always blessed at these meetings. i think of the choir of legions that is singing alongside with us as we praise the Lord...so amazing.
*extended grace upon me by the hedrick leaders. love and grace felt powerful, i'll carry that night with me for a long time to come.

jesus i praise you for a weekend full of reflection, community, vulnerability and joy beyond all measure.

sean a Ti, toda la gloria y la honra.
amen.

You can't give what you don't have.

As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.

This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.

It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.

Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.

I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.

You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)

So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.

Friday's Rain

Something about Friday, November 30th made me extremely happy. I woke up, peeked my head out the window and saw that it was raining. Immediate reaction: I don't like being wet, and walking to class, you really can't avoid it in the rain.
Yet while walking to get tea in the morning before class, realizing I didn't have an umbrella and needed to buy one and finally starting the trek to class, I became really happy; joyful even.
Walking to class with a hum, a bounce in my step... I was extremely happy it was raining, itching to dance in it. I remembered about all the wildfires that have been occurring recently, and I remembered how lovely the rain was. It has been the driest year in the history of California, at least the driest one on record, so we needed a douse of water.
We had had a bonfire at UCLA the night before during the "Beat '$C Parade, Bonfire and Rally", so a fire the day after was more than appropriate. The rain looked more pretty, believe it or not, just because we needed it.
I am reminded more and more of the things around us, looking toward things I usually take for granted, taking time to really observe them and look at why they are special and why they are so important to us.

**So yes, UCLA lost against USC, 24-7. We are still proud to be Bruins at UCLA. :)**

Intro

I decided to start at the beginning (at least where I feel my beginning has taken place), I read a lot, so I thought I'd do like great authors do: start at the beginning. I know not all stories start with an intro, some dive right in, but I thought I would.
I attend UCLA. A school that has taught me so much due to the classes I have taken, the people I have met, and the people that have continually stuck by my side throughout these past two years while I figure out what it is that I want out of life.
It is at UCLA that I have met a lot of really great friends, people I know that I will continually talk to for a long while and some that I know I will cease to talk to when I leave here. I'm okay with that, people leave imprints on your life regardless of how long they are in it, and it is the imprint that matters, what they contribute to your life; what they teach you and how you respond to it.
I have found my other family here also, I know people throw that around a lot, but I really do mean it (people throw that around too). I have come to trust, love and laugh with my family: InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship. Thanks to these people I found what it is that I was looking for here, the piece of the puzzle that was missing: my community. I have learned countless things through these people, and God has answered prayer, questions and enhanced my life because of it.
That's it for now, just a little taste of who I am and the things that I value. More later.