My Christmas List

No, I'm not telling you what I want for Christmas or my birthday (it's fast approaching!). Well, I will if you ask me, but not in this post. :)

I'm still working on my 100 Joys project, alongside Sarah Markley, but I am way behind. I haven't kept up with writing down all my joys into this blog and posting. This'll be the long list.

•  Birthday Celebrations: anytime someone is being celebrated, my heart does a little leap. Everyone should be celebrated, and if it's with your very best friends you consider part of your family, even better [15]. I got to celebrate my very good friend, Melissa's birthday with her and it was indeed a celebration of who she is. :)
• Hearing Melissa's voice after not hearing it for three months. All it took was a "hello" [16]. But I guess that happens when you really miss someone you love and get to see them again.
• Melissa and I refer to each other as our twin. It turns out we're incredibly similar. It was confirmed when I showed up to see her wearing a sweater with purple and gray stripes, and I was wearing a sweater with green and lighter green stripes. It still makes me laugh that we're that similar [17].
• New variations of old favorites [18]. Melissa's friend Natalie asked if I'd ever had tacos (our dinner during Melissa's birthday bash) with ranch..."umm, no." It turns out it's delicious! I was pleasantly surprised.
• Seeing old friends and making new ones in the same night [19]. Meeting Melissa's friends and making plans to hang out again...happy.
  
• Conversations about nothing, yet about everything, that last until 1 am [20]. Hanging out with friends you've just met alongside old ones and just talking...until you realize you have to get up somewhat early, should be responsible and sleep.
• Raindrops that fall on the awning of my apartment window and sound like tiny tap dancers figuring out choreography [21].
• Watching the rain fall into the pool at our apartment complex, making the water dance as it lands [22]. It's been raining a lot in California this week.
• Advent reading [23]. I've never done advent, or really celebrated Christmas. Being able to actually reflect and sing and share in the joy of Jesus' birth has been a wonderful addition to the holiday season this year.
• Singing Christmas carols [24]. Something happens in my heart when a group of followers of Jesus get together and sing Christmas carols. Something happens in my heart; the knowledge of knowing all around the world people are singing this song, that I am blessed enough to know Jesus, that I don't have to wait for him to be born...he's already here. I get overwhelmed.
• Learning to play guitar [25]. Finally. I mentioned it two years ago to one of my best friends, "I want to learn to play guitar." A church friend finally came over and taught me a few chords and I've been practicing. Gotta start somewhere. :)
• Friends who are generous enough to host [26]. My friend, Amy, invited my best friend to dinner and thought of me. It turns out she was making steak, and a couple of amazing sides. Best dinner ever. And seriously, the best steak I've ever had.
• Time and space [27]. I spent a couple days being a hermit. I just didn't really want to interact with folks, I needed alone time. That time was really valuable for me to just sit, process, strum my guitar and be with Jesus. 
• Adventures leading to other adventures [28]. On a whim, a group of us decided we wanted to see Tron and so decided to drive over and buy our tickets. We were notified, that only the first two rows on the far right were left... Instead, we decided to head over to 7-11, pick up some goodies, along with Date Night from Redbox and watch that. Great night.
• Adventures leading to epic videos [29]. A friend's plans were cancelled, we called a mutual friend and eventually, it led up to this:  

  

• Reading Alece's reflections on a season that has been rough [30]. I am so proud of her, I could just hug her!
• Knowing that Lindsey, Sarah, and Alece have real and deep friendships with each other [31]. These three ladies are my favorite bloggers. Check them out.
• Realizing that Jesus has been more than faithful in what he's promised [32]. He's provided growth in terms of identity, employment (I start tomorrow!), and freedom.

Joyful December.

I'll jump right in.
My friend, Sarah Markley had an amazing idea. She has decided to spend the month of December finding 100 ways that she finds joy. The small, the sorrowful, what can look ordinary yet bring loads of joy.
100 Joys.
I have decided to join her.
I'll be spending the month of December intentionally looking and writing about things that bring me joy. :)

So here it goes, 100 ways I find joy.
Sarah started December 1st, but I start today.

Thursday.
I spent my morning on the train. I boarded an Amtrak bus at 0625, and was able to board my train to Fresno, CA around 1030. I don't have morning classes, and so usually miss the emerging of the sun into the sky. However, I was awestruck as to how beautiful mornings are. Amazed at how new the day is, and how amazing it is to witness light enter the sky. It reminded me of hope, how there is hope to be seen every morning [1].
I arrived in Fresno, and was met by two amazing individuals who spent a part of their day showing me Fresno City College and Fresno State so that I might make an informed decision if I believe I am being led to InterVarsity staff. I spent the day hearing about InterVarsity's long legacy in Fresno, and how it has changed over the years. I found myself laughing easily while spending time with Rob and Layla, feeling comfortable to share my story with them.
Later, was the most anticipated moment. Seeing the Minturns. This family is a strong reason why I feel so grounded in Fresno. This family has seen me since my first day in Fresno back in 2008, when I was highly insecure yet excited to see what God was doing in the city and in me. Todd was actually the first person who had more than a two sentence conversation with me that day.
And as I expected, as I saw them, they hugged me and welcomed me as I knew they would. Seeing Todd, Carrie and the boys is always wonderful, but this felt like coming home.
It felt normal.
Dinner, playing with the kiddos, catching up on life and talking about what the future could look like... family.
Two minutes after entering the door, my hand was taken by a hand much smaller than mine, to see the Christmas tree, and the candy cane lights that had just been put up. :)
However, my favorite part was watching Todd read to the boys. He was reading Pete the Cat ...the book has a song integrated to it, to which the boys giggle hysterically. Hearing them giggle and seeing their joy... priceless [2].
I loved that Todd decided to sit me down on the couch and ask me open-ended questions so that I could process what had happened since I arrived on the train (the day had been FULL). I love that Carrie sat down and listened as prepared for Advent. Again, it felt normal [3].

Friday.
 Breakfast. I've never been too much of a breakfast person, but I wanted to make use of my time with the Minturns. Oatmeal, frozen Gogurt, orange juice. A grumpy 4 year old. Family. :)
I drove around with Todd, to get myself re-acclimated with Fresno. He showed me the most amazing thing. Christmas Tree Lane! It's an 88 year tradition, where an entire street, for blocks on end, decorate their houses for folks to drive (or walk) by to celebrate Christmas. They even have a radio station that you can tune into as you drive through it! The decorations were amazing, I couldn't believe half of them, they were epic.
(Seriously, Google it.)
Later, I got to talk to the Executive Director from FIFUL to just share more of what I'm thinking, feeling, answer my questions. I continue to be amazed at how much people care. They're praying, emailing me, texting me to make sure I know they've got my back [4].
As I had lunch with Carrie, I realized how wonderful it is to be able to share life with Carrie. To learn from her life, share her story and be spoken Truth by her...wonderful.
It has also been incredible to watch her family. To watch the way Todd and Carrie love their boys, how completely they love them, it's hopeful. Hopeful to know that although a family story like mine is common, it's not the only one out there. And although I've only been here for slightly longer than 24 hours, parts of my heart are healing just by watching them be a family [5].

Where do you find joy?

I need.

Words have been far and few this past month. This is what I could get out tonight.

Yes, you're welcome to catch me and ask details.

Alright, I get it.
At least I think so.

I've been stripped of everything I found (and find) identity in.
I am no longer in a position of authority in the fellowship that taught me to lead.
To lead well.
Friendships from said fellowship remain; although it's difficult to be that intentional.
Some folks don't know what to say or ask when they see me.
Conferences, large groups, community aren't the conversational link anymore.
Transitioning and becoming known in a new church community is difficult.
Folks don't go out of their way to meet you, making introductions awkward.
I (still) don't have a job.
Nothing to take pride in that I "got" or get to do everyday.

It seems like I've got nothing.
My tank's on empty.
My bank account is empty.
My heart (often) feels empty.

Yet the lesson, word, and reminder from Jesus is
Papa.

Remember I made a promise to keep you safe.

I've been listening to a lot of JJ Heller lately. A woman who puts spiritual Truth into a musical artform.
I can't help but sit and listen, letting words and Truth wash over me day after day.
I found myself resistant to a line today,
when my world is shaking Heaven stands/ when my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands

my heart is struggling, fighting to know that Jesus is good.
that Jesus is the Papa I need.
That promises he gives are never broken.
I know broken promises.
I know disappointment, failure, despair.

I want to believe in joy, in hope.
I want to believe it not only when I'm sharing how hard these three months have been,
but I want to believe it when I'm sitting alone,
when my heart needs to be reminded that
You keep promises.

I need.

I just reread this and realize this is really vague. Apologies.

Overwhelmed.

Last night I was overwhelmed and overjoyed at how good (and how crazy Jesus is).
A friend of mine, spent almost two years experiencing more of God and of Jesus than I thought was possible.
Our group of friends, my family, UCLA's InterVarsity chapter watched as my brother, Brian, saw and knew more and more of Jesus.
The climax being Sunday, when he finally accepted Jesus into his heart. Declaring to anyone that would listen his journey, his love and his Truth.
I began to cry a bit as he began to share, starting at the beginning.
Overwhelmed because the same joy that this man of God has, I have too. I know the freedom of which he speaks, the joy and the wonder that is to share it with community.
Overwhelmed because I'm a part of his story, however small that part is, I'm a part of it.
A part of the people that have loved him into a relationship with Jesus.
Overwhelmed because that's what following Jesus is all about, joy in seeing each other's journey and sharing in each other's joy as they recognize Jesus with their heart.
(Happy re-birthday, Baller.)
__

And today I was just overwhelmed.
After getting off the bus from Westside Pavilion, and walking back from Big Blue Bus' Line 8 Westwood stop, I was just tired. Unexpected tears flooded my eyes and I had to swallow against the lump growing in my throat. Jesus, I'm tired. I'm tired of being unemployed, of worrying about money. Of not getting called back, of searching aimlessly when I know you have something for me. That was my prayer.
Every single part of me was tired. My body, my soul, my heart. I can't explain why, just the fact that I still don't know where rent money will come from is quite exhausting.

The reminder, You don't make mistakes, feels weaker today than it did Tuesday.
Yet I long to hold onto it.
It's all I have.
All I have left tonight.

unity.

i always think of unity as the final product.
the end of the journey of embracing our differences, similarities, becoming one.
 the final product, unity being unshakeable.

the reality was that black wednesday was a picture of unity. there were new faces (mainly, ours), and the topic was unity. seeing the faces of my brothers and sisters in a setting created for our african american brothers and sisters made me uncomfortable.
i didn't know what to say, to approach and introduce myself, to offer cheesecake... i just didn't know.

i got a couple looks from folks, either suspicious or wondering what i was doing there.
i'm not black. nope.

i was really proud of us though, i was proud that the community that i love and am a part of, was sharing out of our abundance. sharing cheesecake, our time... and doing so freely.
as time went on, it got a little difficult to stand and feel like an outsider. watching potential new friends grab name tags and cheesecake and head back to their comfort zone, back with friends they already know.

however, it was joy to see new friends engage with new faces, different skin tones... new everything.
it was joy to learn their names, offer cheesecake and love them the way we could at that particular moment.
joy.

joy because it reminded me of the promise of love and reconciliation. a promise i received on the other side of the country, where time seems to slow down and where i was able to see friends both new and old with new eyes.
recognizing that there is beauty in everyone i see.
everyone.

wednesday was good. :)
i learned that unity isn't the final product, that unity is worked for. it may seem unattainable, but we keep working toward it to foster and maintain a united community.
sure, it'll be uncomfortable, but having a community where you can be yourself amidst those that are different than you is well worth it, don't you think?

untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom