Dad

I remember loving you.
It bothers me that I still do.

I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.

i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around

i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry

i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy

what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent

the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing

did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?

do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?

i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you

i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to

but even that isn't enough

1.14.09

Songs of 2008

So these are all songs that resonated in my mind or my heart during the year 2008. I tend to write down song lyrics that speak to me, and these are the ones that I found written from January thru December of 2008.

• Delicate-Damien Rice
• The Closing of the Doors
• Gentle Savior- David Phelps
• Wonderful- Everclear
  
• Lucky Star- Debbie Reynolds
• Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
• First Cut Is the Deepest- Sheryl Crowe
• Twist of Fate- U2
• My Desire- Kirk Franklin
• "God Who Answers Prayer", Psalm 65
  
• Who Am I?- Point of Grace
• When You Believe- Prince of Egypt
• When Love Takes You In- Steven Curtis Chapman
• Moment Made for Worshipping- Steven Curtis Chapman
• Unify Us, Purify Us
• You Said
• Blessed Be Your Name
• None, But Jesus
• Let Go- Grey Holiday
• I Will Follow You
• Temprano yo te buscare
• Cry In My Heart- Starfield
  
• Everlasting- Hillsong
• You Dance Over Me
• The More I Seek You
• Just Want You Around- Lauryn Hill
• Broken- Lifehouse
• Learning to Breathe- Switchfoot
• You- Switchfoot
• This is Home- Switchfoot
• Wait for Me- Rebecca St. James
• Coming Home- John Legend
• Hold You in My Arms- Ray LaMontagne