Monday.

I am grateful to Jesus for a household.

Because today has been the first full day of missing my friends, my family, yet still making plans for travel (lots of travel).
Where I've wanted to run back to my room and cry, lay in the fetal position and cry some more. Yet, God provided me with a house full of people to walk alongside me, share meals, let me know they were able to pet a llama at the zoo today and ask me to go swimming later.

Hope.

Hope when I need it in the really small things to get me through the day, so thank you Jesus, for doing that. Providing for me a family that reminds me that life gets hard, but it goes on (and as it does, you provide joy and hope and steadfastness).

I need.

Words have been far and few this past month. This is what I could get out tonight.

Yes, you're welcome to catch me and ask details.

Alright, I get it.
At least I think so.

I've been stripped of everything I found (and find) identity in.
I am no longer in a position of authority in the fellowship that taught me to lead.
To lead well.
Friendships from said fellowship remain; although it's difficult to be that intentional.
Some folks don't know what to say or ask when they see me.
Conferences, large groups, community aren't the conversational link anymore.
Transitioning and becoming known in a new church community is difficult.
Folks don't go out of their way to meet you, making introductions awkward.
I (still) don't have a job.
Nothing to take pride in that I "got" or get to do everyday.

It seems like I've got nothing.
My tank's on empty.
My bank account is empty.
My heart (often) feels empty.

Yet the lesson, word, and reminder from Jesus is
Papa.

Remember I made a promise to keep you safe.

I've been listening to a lot of JJ Heller lately. A woman who puts spiritual Truth into a musical artform.
I can't help but sit and listen, letting words and Truth wash over me day after day.
I found myself resistant to a line today,
when my world is shaking Heaven stands/ when my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands

my heart is struggling, fighting to know that Jesus is good.
that Jesus is the Papa I need.
That promises he gives are never broken.
I know broken promises.
I know disappointment, failure, despair.

I want to believe in joy, in hope.
I want to believe it not only when I'm sharing how hard these three months have been,
but I want to believe it when I'm sitting alone,
when my heart needs to be reminded that
You keep promises.

I need.

I just reread this and realize this is really vague. Apologies.

untitled

i always wanted a man who would be there.
a man who loved and cherished me completely,
truly.

yet,
knowing, fully, painfully knowing
...

men of broken promises,
men who were not willing to fight to stay around
to convince my mom,
my sisters,
me-
that we were worth fighting for

whether it be through a divorce,
the frustration of not finding work,
a burnt dinner
or just a bad day

i was never sure of that:
was i enough?
was i worth it?

the small promises?
those counted too
they probably counted the most.
when you said you'd stop drinking,
i wanted to believe you
but when you'd come home
and swear it wasn't so
i smelled it on your breath

the wall came back up
stronger and taller-
resistent to your lies and your love

yeah, life has been hard
hard because all i wanted to know was love
love from You in the form of a father
someone who would call me beautiful and see me grow up
reminding me i was worth fighting for

that love?
it came too late
too late to penetrate what i needed at the time

but You-
you were so beautiful,
so strong.
You were exactly what i needed
and although i pushed, screamed, cried,
pretending it was okay

you showed me my worth
showing me i was  
too precious not to fight for

who are you?
you see the mess, don't you?
why you would choose to stay and speak truth is something i wouldn't do
you see, i'm not worth fighting for,
i shouldn't be worth it to you

maybe that is why,
when you and i
were searching to find
a friend to share a burden with
we found a refuge in each other

but see this was different
different since i saw you
i saw and see you for who you are
a man of God

and when I see you, i see a reflection of my Dad
the one who has never broken a promise to me
the one who reassured me that he loved me
and would set me free

the one that when i need it most
lets me cry on his lap
puts a hand under my chin and reminds me that it'll
be okay

and that is why i still hope
with a song in my heart,
tears of joy and expectation
in my Lord, my God

i was called to freedom,
and until then
i sing
and dance, laugh, and cry
in hopeful expectation
of never-ending freedom