Easter Saturday

Easter. Yep, it's the time of year when those who believe in Jesus Christ remember and celebrate Jesus Christ's death and resurrection.
Similar to Christmastime this past year, I've intentionally entered a time of engaging with Easter and what this means.

Good Friday. I attended my first Good Friday service Friday night. It was dramatic reading with worship, and time to reflect on what happened that night when Jesus was arrested, crucified, tortured and buried. I walked away with more questions than anything else.
What must have the time between the burial and resurrection been like?
I couldn't help but think of what this time felt like, what everyone's interactions were.

Grief. Wailing, despair, unnatural quiet among those that knew him. Crying among the women, deep silence among the men. What would these people have said to each other? Would they have spoken at all? What verbal or physical comfort was there to offer?

Was the resurrection a true hope for those that believed in these moments? I know my heart, and had I seen Jesus tortured and crucified, I'd really be wavering between disbelief in anything Jesus said about coming back to life and the hope of Jesus returning.

What about those that were yelling in the crowd to crucify Jesus? What were they feeling now? Were they satisfied at knowing Jesus' body was lying in a cold grave? Were they already remorseful of what had happened?

What about the religious leaders? Did they understand what the tearing of the curtain of the temple meant? Did they now understand who Jesus was? Was there any sense of wanting to know more of him?

I walked away with more questions. Wanting to know of a deeper understanding of what transpired in these hours, to know how those that believed coped with Jesus' death knowing he'd be alive again... yet also wondering what happened with those that didn't.

So many names are mentioned in the passages of the Bible, and we don't know what stories followed the lives of those names. What happened to the Centurion who acknowledged Jesus was the Son of God after he died? What about Barabbas, did he ever think back about Jesus taking his place?

So many questions.

My heart sings:

unto the Lord be the glory
great things He has done
unto the Lord be the glory
great things He has done


great things He has done
greater things He will do
unto the Lord be the glory
great things He has done

Amen.

Available.

I'm slowly deciding that I need to make myself available.
I kind of smirk as I type this, wondering how many of you are wondering that I might mean 'available' regarding romantic relationships.
(Also true, but not the point of this post.)

As I've sat in what feels like No Man's Land, transitioning into adulthood, I've realized that I want need to be more available. I've allowed myself to be somewhat available in the past, but I have also let my own need for security get in the way of larger leaps that Jesus has called me to.

I've chosen the word "follow" as my focus for this year, to allow Jesus to lead.
And it's been in these instances when I've allowed myself to listen, actually listen to my heart and how Jesus is leading, I've realized that I need to become more available.

Available to let my heart be shaped and transformed by Jesus. To allow the work that is being done in me continue.

Ways I want to do that or begin the process of stepping into that:

• Go on a trip to Latin America. I realize that this love that Jesus has given me for my people isn't just because, and I want to drink that in by immersing myself in an extended amount of time learning in a Latino nation.
• Be myself. I hold back a lot of myself. I don't do the really random stuff that makes me me (y'know, like, sing really loudly when a great song comes on, dance in the supermarket or shove an entire cookie in my mouth just 'cause it might make you laugh). I want to do the silly stuff that let's you know who I am, and in the process share all the really deep stuff too.
• Love by taking risks. I'm entering into a place where I want to insert myself into relationships that are risky. I want to love people I wouldn't necessarily choose with a guarded heart, I want to be open (this is where I am talking about romantic relationships as well as friendships).

There's definitely more here. I haven't formulated everything, but this is what's been rolling in my head for a little while. Trust, there will be elaboration.

Oh, Boy.

I find that I can't really focus, here's to hoping this'll help.

It's true, I haven't felt this way about a boy, ever.
One that truly inspires and challenges the way I look at Jesus and causes me to strive to see more of Him day by day.
He speaks, and my heart listens, wants to be lead. Being more than relieved that I am being lead, instead of leading.

And yet, as I sat across a new and dear friend after church on one Sunday, finally learning that 'boy' is not interested in me the way I am in him.
My heart breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Relief that I wouldn't have to worry about when, how, what this would look like if it (finally) worked out.
And suddenly, after having some time with my Papa...it all went away.
The feelings, the worry, the wondering, the wandering of my heart for 'boy'.

And as I started looking at mine and 'boy's friendship, I realized that our hearts aren't really compatible. At least not right now. My deep loves aren't meshed into his life, his plans for the future. My love of Latino people, my love of the city, my deep deep commitment to those that have walked life with me.
And I am grateful to Jesus, that he has walked beside me these past few years to know what I am needing more and more in the man I will eventually call Husband.

I need someone who 'gets me'...one who understands...
my commitment to those I have lead, served, served with...
my deep love of the city... I have fallen in love with both Fresno, CA and St.Louis, MO. I need someone who shares that with me.
my love of Latino community... I love my people, and I need someone who is willing to make a fool out of themselves as they eat spicy food, go salsa dancing and put up with my crazy (yet lovable) familia.

Yes, I'm grateful for this latest disappointment in a potential romantic relationship. Grateful because it's showing me more of who I am, more of what I need...and causing me to remember more of my friend L's words, "if it's not him, it'll be someone better!"

Thanks, Papa, for not letting me settle. :)

honor.

since last wednesday, i've sat in frustration, pain, apathy and grief.
i've been short with people, lacked animation, laughter, joy.
all i can say is, i'm sorry.

sorry for shutting you out, sorry for not having the words to let you in.
i can barely explain it to myself.
i am grateful that Jesus knows all my thoughts, so i don't have to explain it to him.
i can't.

[but here's a part i can find words for]
i think back to the boy who stopped me in the hallways of my high school every day to our second class of the day.
just to hug me and say he'd see me at lunch with that brilliant smile of his.
the boy who learned that i smiled easily, especially as he made faces across the room in our world history class.
the boy who found me during prom just to make sure i got some of the cheesy bread (his excuse to make sure i was having a good time)
the boy who knew what it meant to live a life of service: both to his God and his country.

this week i grieve this boy, caleb 'bubba' manning. it seems to cut deeper with every year that passes, but bubba, i'll honor your life by living the way you did: with joy, zeal, passion and a deep love for God.

i love you, buddy.

my soul.

i've been trying to listen.
listen to my soul.
i've noticed a dip in my mood, a tightening of my heart, a frustration, a longing, a mourning...
it's been a crazy few days.

i haven't really been able to put my finger on it.
it's in days like this that i stop and actually say, "i need a quiet place." i think of jesus in the gospel of mark, where he goes and prays in a lonely place. when he needed space to spend with the Father and just be.

however, i spent some time with jesus today and a few themes came up: fear, purpose and romantic relationships.
fear (see previous post): i'm finding myself seeing similar symptoms come up from the rest of my life. i fear giving myself completely to relationships, especially now in a new community that is still learning how to build itself. i still fear the uncertainty of relationships that may not remain when we're not living in the same city.

purpose: at this very particular moment in life i don't feel like i'm doing much. i feel like it's just a routine: work, church, home. don't get me wrong; work is great, church community is awesome, and the roomies are great. however, i don't feel like i'm giving myself to anything. i need to give myself to something that i'm passionate about, something that is linked with jesus that allows me to feel a great sense of joy.

romantic relationships: this is the one that frustrates/confuses me the most. having had my fair share of experiences with amazing men who i have developed feelings for, i wonder at what it is i am seeing and thinking. we talked in my church Bible study, about relationships and how our church and our interest in our significant other should be that they challenge us and point us to Jesus. i was amazed to notice that Shoreline is so different than my home church, and sufficiently different than InterVarsity that I have grown a lot in the last few months. and i see that in him as well. his life is awe-inspiring, one that points directly to Jesus as he shares his current struggles, his past and the role that Jesus has had in his life. i still have a lot of questions, especially since this seems to be a cycle in my life and emotions, so i wonder how this is different.

there's so much more packed into this, so much more that i have yet to wrestle out with Jesus.
a lot more that i don't want to confront or ask 'cause i'm afraid things won't work out the way i want.


jesus, would i learn to trust you in this season. with my questions and with what you're doing in my life.
amen.

miedo.

i hate to say that i've lived most of my life in fear. miedo.

as a little girl, fear of monsters under my bed.
fear of when daddy came home, not knowing whether he'd be happy or angry in the next minute.
fear of waking up to a crying mama.
fear at not knowing how to console her.

in school, fear of not being wanted and accepted.
fear at failing at something once i had impressed someone.
fear that dad would come back and break the rhythm our household of women had created.

in high school and college, fear of boys.
fear of being loved, fear of being known and judged.
fear of having to share everything. todo.

now, some of the fears have remained. others have gone away, and new ones have surfaced.
today, i fear wanting to be known.
the want that is so insatiable. i crave for it, yet i fear risking my heart again.

i want to have deep, solid relationships.
for my hands to be held, for long abrazos from friends who feel like family.
to share laughter and culture over a meal.

i fear my values and passions being different and not understood.
questions not be asked, the depth of who i am not be sought.

tengo miedo.
i'm scared.