i'm holding back.

today was so beautiful.
even the night was beautiful, the moon was so bright.

yet here i sit, unable to really engage with You.

i couldn't today.
almost like i was mad at you...
there are just some buttons i don't like pushed.

and you push them anyway.

You are home.

There's something about coming back to UCLA.
A freedom, a release.
Something.
I feel free.

Maybe it is because here I have a room.
Sure a room I share with a friend,
but still my own.

Sometimes it is an escape
a way for me to dissipate
all the fears, drama and tears
that I feel often when the car appears.

The dread I feel at going home
not knowing what the reception will be
or who will be home.

But when we make our way back
back to school
I feel like I can breathe

I feel like home is here.

Maybe it's because my second family is here
or because I don't have to worry about
sharing about what Jesus is doing
in me and through me
without making family uncomfortable
or cutting me off.

Or maybe it's because I have space here
space to process, take risks, enjoy both
the sunshine and the rain

Staying up late to either watch the first glimpses of sun
or just take time to write
when it seems like everyone is asleep.

This feels like home
'cause i see You here
I see You in the faces of my family,
in the faces of those who seek You.

I see You in the ways you have manifested
Yourself in me.
the change that you created,
the inspiration you've breathed in.
in the confidence I possess
as I type these words.

As difficult as it is to see You
in my geographical home,
that is my prayer, that I'd see You.

That I'd see You in all your splendor,
even in a space that has become
a place of chaos.

I pray that I would choose
what it means to see You
in that place as I do here.

Hold You in My Arms

I heard this song while watching a play by Street Lamp Productions, a play based on the prodigal son. This song was played as the next scene was being set up, and everytime I listen to it some line resonates. Please take a listen.

Hold You in My Arms- Ray Lamontagne

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever