"let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields her all day long, and the one the
LORD loves rests between his shoulders."
deuteronomy 33:12
it's 4:30 am. a part of me really wants to sleep and yet the other wants to stay awake and see the sunrise; after all, each morning is another chance to be with God. i like the idea of a sunrise, the sacrifice of waking up for it as well as seeing that beauty while sitting with God and being able to tell him how wonderful it is to do so.
the verse. it was given to me on a sunday morning as i reflected on my own insecurities and wants. i am called to "rest secure" and let God shield me from what is not from Him.
my favorite part is the last line, "the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders," i remember i had an image of me sitting on God's shoulders, like a daughter with her daddy. it is still an image that makes my heart fill with joy. i thank Him greatly for that, it may be why i cling to this verse so tightly.
i think i'll turn in for an hour or so. :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Dad
I remember loving you.
It bothers me that I still do.
I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.
i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around
i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry
i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy
what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent
the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing
did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?
do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?
i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you
i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to
but even that isn't enough
1.14.09
It bothers me that I still do.
I thought as I got older that the feelings of needing you in my life would cease
but they continue to intensify
to ferment
and grow into something that i can no longer tuck away
behind school, surface relationships with guys and meaningless weekends spent watching television and reading countless novels.
i though i would outgrow you
not need you
and pretend that i don't
and now i lay in my bed at night wondering why you didn't stick around
i now understand that it wasn't anything i did
you just couldn't own up to fathering me
but it kills me inside that i wish you had
that i wish that you were sitting beside me holding my hand as i cry
i feel tension as i think of you
walking down the street hand in hand
and me looking up at you
swelling with such pride
and calling you my daddy
what do i do with that?
the emotions that everyone says i should not have
emotions that rationally should not exist after the pain
the pain of 21 long years while you were absent
the best description of you and i
is Father of Mine by Everclear
"my daddy gave me a name/and then he walked away"
you did. you were so insistent on naming me
and then you walked away like i didn't mean a thing
did that hurt you?
did you ever look back?
did you ever regret leaving three precious ones behind?
do you think of me?
do you even wish i knew you?
do you long to know me like i do you?
i hate this feeling of loving you
even though what you did to me doesn't have a name
it should never happen to anyone
i should not feel this resentment and yet still hope at knowing and loving you
i can only wonder if these feelings will eventually explode if and when we meet
i can only pray that we do
for your sake
i can only ask for someone to love me the way you were intended to
but even that isn't enough
1.14.09
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
when it's kinda late...
i wonder what comes next.
are You asking me to let go?
to grieve?
to jump into more, another challenge?
i honestly don't know.
all i know is that it feels pretty overwhelming; i know you don't dish out more than i can handle and i feel i am at that breaking point.
i see and feel you all around, but it's difficult. quite difficult.
you're probably right, i need more time with you. time i've neglected to give in order to avoid these questions i don't necessarily want answers to.
we'll see how it goes.
are You asking me to let go?
to grieve?
to jump into more, another challenge?
i honestly don't know.
all i know is that it feels pretty overwhelming; i know you don't dish out more than i can handle and i feel i am at that breaking point.
i see and feel you all around, but it's difficult. quite difficult.
you're probably right, i need more time with you. time i've neglected to give in order to avoid these questions i don't necessarily want answers to.
we'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Our Responsibility
Growing up, I heard the discussion of Protestant community versus the Catholic community. Sadly, it seems like that war/critique hasn't dissipated. Christians are condemning Catholics, doing so openly in conversation.
Protestants believe that the Catholic community does not have a true experience of God, while the Catholic community believes that the Protestant community needs to take a more active role in living out their faith.
Being Protestant, I admit that I have tension when it comes to the Catholic tradition; however, I believe that my first priority is to lead those that are lost, those who do not know Jesus. I know some Catholic students who are very active in their faith and challenge me greatly in my own faith. On the flip side, I also know Catholic students who attend mass due to a cultural or familial obligation. BUT I do not believe it is my place to condemn ANYONE.
Regardless if we are Protestant or Catholic, it is our responsibility to reach and lead those who do not know Jesus to Him. It saddens me that the Protestant community has opted for condemnation within the Christian community rather than guide those who they believe do not know the "real" Jesus to His side.
It is our responsibility as a Christian community to lead those who are lost.
Protestants believe that the Catholic community does not have a true experience of God, while the Catholic community believes that the Protestant community needs to take a more active role in living out their faith.
Being Protestant, I admit that I have tension when it comes to the Catholic tradition; however, I believe that my first priority is to lead those that are lost, those who do not know Jesus. I know some Catholic students who are very active in their faith and challenge me greatly in my own faith. On the flip side, I also know Catholic students who attend mass due to a cultural or familial obligation. BUT I do not believe it is my place to condemn ANYONE.
Regardless if we are Protestant or Catholic, it is our responsibility to reach and lead those who do not know Jesus to Him. It saddens me that the Protestant community has opted for condemnation within the Christian community rather than guide those who they believe do not know the "real" Jesus to His side.
It is our responsibility as a Christian community to lead those who are lost.
You can't give what you don't have.
As I start another school year at UCLA, I find that I am in a different place than last year. I am definitely in a different building where I am living and I am with many different people. However, it is my difference in my relationships where I see the most profound change.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.
This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.
It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.
Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.
I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.
You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.
I have lived so much of my life guarded; guarded due to pain caused by family, friends and neglect. Now I begin to see the pieces of myself, many of them broken, but slowly beginning to heal.
This summer I was able to have the best of both worlds. I was able to be with InterVarsity community while still having work and family to be with at home. It was a time to share with friends what it means to begin healing as well as reflect as to how good God has been to me. I remember walking into the summer rebellious, I didn't want to be home. Slowly, I began to realize how big of a blessing it was to be home; to eat home cooked food everyday and have my mom greet me at the end of a long day of work.
It was as my mom and I were driving back home that God tapped me on the shoulder and showed me something. In my mind were the pieces of myself that had been submerged underwater my entire life; the pieces that wanted to be loved deeply, those that did not trust men, and those that sought acceptance. I saw these pieces raised up out of the water, no longer submerged, but very much above the surface. My soul could relax and breathe.
Seeing these things made me wonder where this change had come from. I thought that I had made progress, sure; but I hadn't noticed just how much. Soon, I noticed that I was eager to see my male friends (whereas a year ago I would have avoided them like the plague). I wanted to share how God had done a work in me, and I wanted to share the love I have for them. I grew frustrated when I learned I had to wait another couple days, which surprised me further.
I began to realize that last year was the year that the men of BCF had shown me the greatest amount of love I'd received in my entire life. I had men pouring love into me, breaking down my insecurities, bitterness and anxiety as I interacted with them (late night talks, countless hugs, support, and community dinners). The love I received during the year left me equipped to love them fully in return, and I can say that they are some of my best friends.
You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have trust or love for the male gender, but since they poured out their love to me first, I don't really have a choice. I received, and now I shall retaliate by loving them right back.
Friday, July 24, 2009
July 24, 2009
I want to be loved, like everyone else.
I want to know that I am cherished by someone, that someone is living because I am.
That they look forward to seeing me, holding me, and making me smile.
A smile that only they see.
I want to be in love.
I am amazed at how you love me.
You wake me with a song, a smile, the sunrise...
It really doesn't matter, you make me smile and you make me truly happy.
I know I am cherished by you, you tell me almost every day.
I know I am loved unconditionally by you, you are the one that chose me.
I know life wouldn't be the same without you, the relationship we have is one of the ages.
The love I receive from you is one so beautiful that I could weep, and sometimes I do.
Your reminder of me being your beloved one often strikes me.
I can hardly understand how much love you have for me.
I shouldn't be loved by you this way.
You give me joy to smile and live day to day.
You shower me with love, my heart overflows with it.
And I dance and sing because you do.
"He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will...rejoice over you with singing."
I am Your beloved.
[Quotation from Zephaniah 3:17]
I want to know that I am cherished by someone, that someone is living because I am.
That they look forward to seeing me, holding me, and making me smile.
A smile that only they see.
I want to be in love.
I am amazed at how you love me.
You wake me with a song, a smile, the sunrise...
It really doesn't matter, you make me smile and you make me truly happy.
I know I am cherished by you, you tell me almost every day.
I know I am loved unconditionally by you, you are the one that chose me.
I know life wouldn't be the same without you, the relationship we have is one of the ages.
The love I receive from you is one so beautiful that I could weep, and sometimes I do.
Your reminder of me being your beloved one often strikes me.
I can hardly understand how much love you have for me.
I shouldn't be loved by you this way.
You give me joy to smile and live day to day.
You shower me with love, my heart overflows with it.
And I dance and sing because you do.
"He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will...rejoice over you with singing."
I am Your beloved.
[Quotation from Zephaniah 3:17]
Monday, July 6, 2009
No apologies.
A part of me greatly wishes that I had an open heart, an open heart that were open to everything and everyone that came my way, a heart that was willing to love unconditionally.
There are people I wish I had let walk into my heart instead of shutting the door and causing to turn away. However, I know that my heart has become guarded for a reason, not everyone has loved me as they should, have inflicted more pain than good and have left me regretting the fact that they were in my life. Although I regret that you caused me pain, I am glad that you taught me what you did and that I am both stronger and wiser for it.
Often I wish that God would take away that pain and that you would be erased, for my life was greatly molded by you, my view of your gender and my opinion of most of the human race. Although that is my wish, I am also glad that I do not get to dictate my life, I am glad that the pain remains and that I get to remember both the good and the bad as well as cherish the love that has been given to me so freely by those that He has given me to both love and laugh beside me.
I don't apologize for the anger that sometimes still rages within, the frustration in wanting you near... I don't apologize because I know that restoration is not of me, but of the One that loved me. I don't apologize because it is because of you that I got to know that love, the love that continues to free me and save me as I continue to walk along this path that seems to bring me only pain and forgive you all the same.
I pray that one day you get to share in my forgiveness and compassion for you, and that you're able to forgive yourself. Although you caused pain, God meant to use it for good (Genesis 50:20); and for that I can love that much more deeply, and I sincerely hope that you're able to share in that with me. Someday.
There are people I wish I had let walk into my heart instead of shutting the door and causing to turn away. However, I know that my heart has become guarded for a reason, not everyone has loved me as they should, have inflicted more pain than good and have left me regretting the fact that they were in my life. Although I regret that you caused me pain, I am glad that you taught me what you did and that I am both stronger and wiser for it.
Often I wish that God would take away that pain and that you would be erased, for my life was greatly molded by you, my view of your gender and my opinion of most of the human race. Although that is my wish, I am also glad that I do not get to dictate my life, I am glad that the pain remains and that I get to remember both the good and the bad as well as cherish the love that has been given to me so freely by those that He has given me to both love and laugh beside me.
I don't apologize for the anger that sometimes still rages within, the frustration in wanting you near... I don't apologize because I know that restoration is not of me, but of the One that loved me. I don't apologize because it is because of you that I got to know that love, the love that continues to free me and save me as I continue to walk along this path that seems to bring me only pain and forgive you all the same.
I pray that one day you get to share in my forgiveness and compassion for you, and that you're able to forgive yourself. Although you caused pain, God meant to use it for good (Genesis 50:20); and for that I can love that much more deeply, and I sincerely hope that you're able to share in that with me. Someday.
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