i'm not an elephant.

i forget. a lot.

in the times i've spent with jesus this week, i realize that he's doing a lot of things in me.
many of them i was already aware that he's been doing; shaping, molding, refining.

yet, as i sat down today my selfish thoughts of having someone to hold my hand and lean my head against their shoulder became dominant yet again.
instead of thanking God for peace amidst this week of exams and another week of finality, i kept thinking about what i don't have. what i want.

yes, i want a relationship.
i get pretty stubborn about that.

i mope, groan, whine and complain about "why not?" "why not now?" and "but what if...?"
i sit like a spoiled brat on the sidewalk (after storming out of the house for dramatic effect), hoping that her Daddy will come and sit beside her and ask "What's wrong?" "Why are you upset?"
And today, although i was being a spoiled child, and should have been left to remember the lesson again,
He sat next to me, held my hand and said,
You can put your head on my shoulder if you want to.

Jesus, I forget that you know everything about me. That you know the things I want, why I want them and that you hurt when I hurt. Thank you for constantly reaching out to me, giving me the desires of my heart even when I don't deserve them.

At the beach on a Sunday

I keep talking and thinking about how refreshing going to the beach was last Sunday.
It was great. Just when I felt I needed to get away and unplug from the hustle and bustle of UCLA, a friend offered to drive me.
There were a few things I was holding onto, the InterVarsity internship as well as other emotional things that I felt I needed to let go of in a tangible way.

Arriving at the beach was the most anticipation I've felt in a long time. My feet touched the sand and I was suddenly in a place where I could breathe and I could listen as well as be heard.

I sat and just took in the space. The sand, the water, the people. I soon stood up because of the wind, and started walking along the water. I think better that way, when I'm doing something. My mind soon drifted to my memories on the same beach as a kid, walking with my mom and talking to her about school, dreams for the future and everything a kid tells their mom on a lazy summer day.

Soon the question posed to me by the Big Guy was, what do you want for your life?
That's a pretty big question, Dad.
I soon noticed a few people on the beach: a pregnant woman with her husband and two year old daughter, a young boy jumping into the ocean, as well as an older couple walking through the beach.
That's what I want.
I want to have a family, a few dates along the way, stability...adventure.

I later wrote the interaction that went through my head, in my journal, it reads:

  "I sat on that last one for a bit. Do I really want adventure? Wow, I do. That was kind of a revelation in itself. I felt You whisper, 'that's why you didn't get the internship. You would have stayed in InterVarsity, you would have stayed in LA, you would have STAYED. I want adventure for you.'

Wow.

There's a moment when you realize you're important to God, that he wants amazing things for you, better than what you want for yourself. I actually heard it from God.

 It was crazy to think that the plans I had for myself, the thing I'd worked toward, God thought was not enough for me. Not enough for me to settle for, for me he wants adventure-to try on a few things and to ultimately settle on what is best for me.A completely different adventure than I had in mind."

I remember that at the beach was an incredible sense of peace, any lingering doubt regarding, "Why?" and "Why not?" were obliterated. 
I was able to see God's goodness, mercy and the intense tenderness he has for me.
Talk about a beautiful Sunday afternoon. :)

things i want for my life.

beloved of the LORD.

Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields her all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders.

Deuteronomy 33:12

certain songs...

make me go, "ahh." like a deep sigh of content-ness (i don't know if that's a word), but i mean a deep sense of being content.
in this case, it's brooke fraser's "shadow feet".

certain places have that same effect. like the beach on a sunday.
thank you philip silao for making that happen. :)

trees.

trees have become important to me. not solely in the day to day aspect, either.
i mean they're beautiful and i love seeing purple flowers fall off trees to make my way to class a bit lively and mystical.

now, the image of a tree has been something that reminds me of my journey with God. there was a picture of a tree on a flyer in my room, and seeing it stopped me. i can't really explain why, but after doing a little research, i dare say this is why:
"She will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit" (Jeremiah 17:8).
As I'm looking forward to next year, I want to be like this tree, one that does not fail to bear fruit (which means I'd bear fruit all the time, yes?) and that I would not fear as a drought comes.


Jesus, I want to trust who You have proven yourself to be in my life. I want to be like a tree planted by water.

windows.

these windows into my friends' lives are really interesting. the ones i find most interesting are all of our blogs.
i often find myself with random thoughts in my head that end up making it into a blog. or two.

i love it that my friends do that too, and that i have the privilege of reading it.
the things that make them tick, the random things that happened during their day, or thoughts inspired by class topics or random childhood moments.

i've learned to appreciate my friends' vulnerability as well as the fact that i'm let into it.

keep writing. :)

I've Got a River of Life

Today I revisited the Urbana website and got to watching the videos of the talks and worship.
It's actually really nice to hear the talks, sing along with the worship, and simply remember the ways God surprised me and blessed me.

It was nice to listen to Rev. Brenda Salter McNeil's talk about the Samaritan woman, but especially how she entered the convention center, singing. :)

I've got a river of life flowing out of me!
Makes the lame to walk, and the blind to see.
Opens prison doors, sets the captives free!
I've got a river of life flowing out of me!


Spring up, O well, within my soul!
Spring up, O well, and make me whole!
Spring up, O well, and give to me
That life abundantly.

abrazame.

hay veces cuando necesito hablar contigo en espanol.
no esperar tener las palabras perfectas, ni saber que quiero decir.

a veces nadamas necesito saber que estas alli.
saber que me quieres mas que yo puedo entender.
que me amas.

papi, se que me quieres.
que me amas.

pero me duele, me lastima, y aunque se que tienes cosas bellisimas esperandome,
quiero me me hagas un favor.

quiero,
no, necesito que me
abrazes.

y si quieres que me cantes una cancion.

I Will Be Here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.

remember.

i shared with S.Hop about the staff decision. i fought the tears that fell anyway, regardless of my desire to hold it together. it was nice to share with him about what i was told and be able to let it out. again.

as i walked back with some of my favorite people, i said my goodbyes and walked back to my room.
a small voice seemed to whisper,
remember.


remember the ways God has been good to you.
remember that community is a gift that is given to you.
remember the promise of never leaving you or forsaking you.
remember the promise of my plans for you:
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
remember the vision of green grass, you and i walking hand in hand.


remember.

Jesus, i know that you are good. In times of trouble I have looked to you as a comfort and as a shield. I pray that i continue to trust you and see you next to me throughout the journey.

fork in the road.

do you remember being a kid, having all those amazing dreams?
prima ballerina, fire fighter, rocket scientist... the possibilities were endless.
so was the excitement.

Since October, a new dream came onto the horizon. A dream that I understood, had a passion for and even had acquired some skills to start off well. Since then, I had conversations, dreams and just building excitement for campus ministry. Particularly campus ministry with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

In January, the application was due. I was nervous to turn it in, after all the directors and team leaders of the various campuses in the area I was applying to I deeply admire. This was important stuff.

Later the interview day, hanging out with the rest of the intern candidates and beginning to dream what life after college would look like and what it would mean to join the exclusive ranks of the InterVarsity staff. Exciting.

Soon, I met with the area director for Greater Los Angeles, and she offered me and a friend to visit two campuses where we would be potential interns. The area was vastly different than I imagined, and although I continued to grieve the fact that I was leaving the familiar, I held onto the promise that God was leading me into a new season of growth and continued trust in him.

Visiting the campuses was fun! Visiting with seniors I already knew and learning about what God is doing at Pomona-Pitzer and UCI was awesome. I was starting to see this as a very viable change of pace and a blessing as I leaped into something new.

Trying to discern which road I would take in the journey of my life, I faced a fork. Claremont? Irvine? I couldn't really decide. I ultimately landed on a place where I believed was familiar enough yet stretching that I would grow sufficiently as a leader and in my relationship with Jesus.

Friday, as I learned that I was actually not being offered a position as an InterVarsity staff intern, that dream unraveled. I was hurt, disappointed, confused. I still am. I now realize the road had yet another fork in the journey I was looking at.

As of right now, I don't care for that last option. I'm still mourning the loss of the option as an intern, it was something I was looking forward to and already set my heart on.