out of guilt.

a character in the book i'm currently reading says that she believes her father is writing her letters out of guilt.
he writes notes of his life: his wife, his children...essentially his new family to her every month or so.

she hasn't seen him in about 10 years.

something twisted inside me.
he actually writes to her.
he probably doesn't know what to say,
where to start.

and then i thought of you.
it makes sense, you're my dad.
i think of you in situations like this.

it made me wonder why you don't write.
why even facebook isn't small enough a window
for you to initiate a superficial relationship with me.

you don't feel guilty.
you don't feel guilty to write to me dated reports
of your life. of your wife.

and that really sucks.
i'd say it sucks for you, but i really don't think it does.
'cause it looks like you really don't care.

i'm not an elephant.

i forget. a lot.

in the times i've spent with jesus this week, i realize that he's doing a lot of things in me.
many of them i was already aware that he's been doing; shaping, molding, refining.

yet, as i sat down today my selfish thoughts of having someone to hold my hand and lean my head against their shoulder became dominant yet again.
instead of thanking God for peace amidst this week of exams and another week of finality, i kept thinking about what i don't have. what i want.

yes, i want a relationship.
i get pretty stubborn about that.

i mope, groan, whine and complain about "why not?" "why not now?" and "but what if...?"
i sit like a spoiled brat on the sidewalk (after storming out of the house for dramatic effect), hoping that her Daddy will come and sit beside her and ask "What's wrong?" "Why are you upset?"
And today, although i was being a spoiled child, and should have been left to remember the lesson again,
He sat next to me, held my hand and said,
You can put your head on my shoulder if you want to.

Jesus, I forget that you know everything about me. That you know the things I want, why I want them and that you hurt when I hurt. Thank you for constantly reaching out to me, giving me the desires of my heart even when I don't deserve them.

Adam Had to be Bored

This morning, as I stood watching the sunrise in the stairway of Hedrick 6 North, my mind wandered back to Genesis, to Adam. I've found that my mind will do that, drift in wondering what it was like when God and Adam were on earth in Eden.

I stood waiting for the sun to make it's grand appearance. As I waited, I began to notice a lot of things, like how the sky transitions from a deep blue to a burnt orange, and that fades as the sun begins its journey in the morning sky. I found myself seeing things I had never noticed, marveling at the sun and the sky, as well as the birds that fly through the air and sing a song to accompany morning.

As I observed these things, I found myself wishing that someone were standing next to me. It being 6 am, I refrained from waking anyone up.

However, the wish for company made me think, "Adam had to be bored." Now don't get me wrong, God's creation is amazing, and in Eden I'm sure that Adam had the best view of everything and anything; but as I was standing in the stairway, waiting for the sun, time slowed down considerably. Conversation would have sped it up, and we would have probably talked about the things we had never noticed about morning before.

What I am getting at is that I think that Eve played a crucial role in Adam not only seeing the glory of God's creation, but being able to share it with someone who would marvel at it with him. Adam longed to have someone share the wonder of Eden, someone to whom he could express the awe that was (and is) the sun, trees, animals. I wonder if Adam needed a partner in order to fully enjoy God's creation.

And I wonder if this is the reason God declared that it was "not good" for Adam to be alone; I wonder if Eve was a way for Adam to engage with God not merely as a friend, but as the Creator. To engage with God and His wonders. There was a part of Adam that needed Eve, not only to have a relationship with her, but to deepen his relationship with God and His creation.

So many thoughts (and questions)... more on this in a later entry.