lovable.

i still have a difficult time receiving love. not being open when friends and family want to serve me, learning the hard way that they're doing it because they love me.


this is an interesting reality to live in.
living in the constant, want, need to be loved, yet not knowing how to receive that when it is shown to me.
the words, "i'm not going anywhere" are powerful.
too often not spoken, my heart often questioning how long friendships will last and why.
what do i have to offer you?

when L and P called me and said, we want to get you food, my first thought was, "why?"
my heart doubted the goodness of a free delivered meal.
(it was delicious too.)
i love these two dearly, i know their hearts, yet i doubted.

how many times have i doubted You?
i know Your heart, i know that you love me, yet when perfect and good things are presented to me,
i doubt.
i believe you will still give me a stone instead of bread, that my heart will continue to be broken time and time again.

"you are lovable. i guess you've questioned that before."
as i resisted hug after hug from a new friend made in St. Louis, these words were spoken to me.
i stopped.
yes, i question that just about every day.
the scars of the men in my life who didn't see me as lovable haven't faded.
i don't see lovable when i look in the mirror, don't feel particularly lovable when i walk down to campus.
yet, there it was.
said to me point blank so i had to hear it.

i often wonder how long it will take for my heart to see, hear, and taste the goodness of the love You shower upon me every single day through my friends, my family.

as i sat by the ocean, you said, "let go."

and Dad, although it's taken me a while to get here,
i think i'm there.

ready to walk away and not be bitter, not be resentful.
i understand why you blessed me with him,
why we're such good friends and the amazing
redemption
that i've received as i've seen more of his soul.
more of mine.

the more i look into his face
into his character,
i see You.

i see the ways he strives to please you,
love you,
honor You.

he's pledged his life to you,
and Daddy,
that's a beautiful thing.

his heart is beautiful,
the way he cares for me
the way he loves his family
although it's difficult,
there's been disappointment

i see the way he's following You,
following You to the cross day after day
praising You along the way
praying that you'll make his heart
more and more like yours.

it is.
every day.

a man of my own.

i visited A and all i wanted to do was take care of him.
you know, the way a girlfriend would.
to hold his hand to reassure him i was there,
to kiss the top of his head when i said goodbye.
no, friends, i am not falling for A.
my heart is still in that place where it's been for a little over a year (wow).

i'm paying attention to my heart,
the ways it wants to open itself up to the possibilities of being vulnerable and honest to the end of being known.
valued.
loved.

i am learning the kind of man i want.
a man who will ask me a bunch of questions,
'cause most of the time i don't know how much to say.
he'll laugh at all my stupid and sometimes witty jokes,
'cause i like being reassured that i'm somewhat funny.
he'll know how to read me. know how far to push when i get quiet.
'cause sometimes i pretend everything's fine when i really want you to ask "what's wrong?"
be able to read from my smile that's it's the polite one instead of the one that reaches my eyes.
know that when i say, "i like that shirt" it means "i like you in that shirt."
learning the areas of my life i don't like to touch 'cause i get emotional,
but will still ask in case i need to talk about it.
a man that will call me out of whatever funk i'm in 'cause days are better when i smile.
even weakly.

i want to be in that place where i can trust that man.
fully knowing that he's there to challenge and protect me.
'cause he loves me.

my heart feels ready.
ready to dare, ready to risk.
ready to love.
completely and fully.

the way i've already been loved.
by You.

most days.

most days i don't consider myself beautiful.
 most days i don't even find myself worthy of being invested in, listened to.
the thoughts in my head swirl, saying that friends are paying attention at any given time due to manners, the fact that we're friends...
i found myself this week, feeling really uncomfortable.
feeling like i was off to the side as everyone else (it seemed) was engaging in conversation with each other, either working on stuff or catching up.
i felt awkward.
like i didn't belong.

yes, i know this isn't the reality.
the reality is that i am loved, valued and sought after because of who i am.
i am loved because of my quirks, dorkiness, and heart that i offer my friends and family.
my community.

it's difficult to see my worth and why i am loved.
the world keeps whispering that i am not good enough and that takes a toll on a soul that is wondering why on earth this community that i love so much would pursue a relationship with me after i leave.

so tonight i struggle with that.
(and pray for a better tomorrow.)

thoughts on loving you.

i wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed together.
i wonder who you're with now
and if they love you as much as i do.

i worry about you,
whether you're being taken care of,
whether you're being loved the way you deserve.

i worry 'cause i believe
that no one can love you the way i do
the way i want to

and then i remember that it's not up to me,
you made that choice
and frankly,
i trust whatever God is trying to do in you
in me.

while i wait until you're reappearing
or whether i'll have to wonder
(deep breath)
always.

the flip side is that i feel i shouldn't.
you know?
(okay, maybe you really don't)
but after all this pain and genuine
absence from you

i feel like i shouldn't have these thoughts
at all.

may the Lord redeem you the way he's already
redeemed me
so that you know you deserve that kind of love

and not just from me.

i realized

that i'm generally pretty hasty
when it comes to writing.

i should slow down.

I dream
to hold you in my arms


I dream
to hold you in my arms


Wide awake,
in my arms

<3