Hold You in My Arms

I heard this song while watching a play by Street Lamp Productions, a play based on the prodigal son. This song was played as the next scene was being set up, and everytime I listen to it some line resonates. Please take a listen.

Hold You in My Arms- Ray Lamontagne

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever

Letters Hold Significant Moments

I was going through a yellow UCLA folder that has a lot of papers in it. For some reason, tonight I was looking through it, and I found a letter that I wrote for a friend at the end of last year. I never mailed it, and now in reading it, I find that my words were significant.
This is how it reads:

December 27, 2008
Hi friend.
I am realizing just how much I love pen and paper- the written word. I have found myself looking more and more toward books, quotes and journaling to help me sort out life and emotions. I like writing, more than I do typing; although it is less efficient.
I just finished watching Ever After, a movie with Drew Barrymore, it is a film I have watched so many times that I know all the lines. Sometimes it's nice to sit with something that's familiar, there's nothing new to expect, you can just sit back. I'd like to hold onto familiarity before 2009 comes around the corner and life reminds me that is waiting in the wings.
This quarter has been difficult, a lot has happened; my life is very different. Sadly, it wasn't the lottery. You've heard of some of this quarter's events. The quarter began by stepping into InterVarsity's leadership, a new living situation and the need to understand my mission at UCLA. As the quarter went on, I learned of Bubba's death and my stepdad being in the hospital. It ultimately ended by my stepfather passing away and me dealing with a broken family and a confused heart.
Even though I know that Jesus has wept with me and that he is holding, I find it difficult to feel close to him. I feel like I have already grieved, but something is also holding me back. I'm usually the girl that is constantly crying, and despite everything that has happened, I haven't cried in weeks. The thing is, I don't know what to do, I pray and try to bear my heart to Jesus, but tears and that sense of release do not come. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, I can talk about it with no problem. I just pray that healing regarding this comes sooner rather than later.

December 28, 2009
I had brunch with my dear friend, Alia (who used to own the dance studio that closed in August). I had brunch with her and her new significant man in her life. His name is Darrin and he has two little girls, Sophia and Sadie. They're really cute.
I realized that I hadn't been around children that age since FUI. Sophia is 7, and Sadie is 3. Things have changed since FUI, I was actually really great with them, I mean really great. I was at ease and held Sadie's hand as we walked into the restaurant for brunch. I do not think I was that at ease with my kids at MLK Square Apartments. It was nice to be invited to their hotel room where they were staying this weekend as well as to High School Musical 3 On Ice. :)

So yes, this is what I wrote about 3 months ago. Some of the words I can't actually believe made it on paper; but I'm still glad they did. It does my soul good to know where I have been and where I currently stand with Jesus.

Surrounded by LOVE

It's been this week that I realize just how blessed I truly am.
Even as I go on Facebook, and I see comments that people leave for me, or just remember moments that we had in looking at uploaded pictures; my face breaks into a grin.
And I think about the love I have poured out, and yet how much I receive each and everyday.
I get calls, texts, emails and I just feel...overwhelmed.

I often tease my friend Jonathan about how cool he is. He just turns it on me, and says, "You're cool!" The truth is, I feel like that about all my friends, how could I be so fortunate as to have all of them in my life. The best part: they probably feel the same way about me.

As I walk on campus, I know that I am surrounded by love. It's everywhere. In hellos, in smiles and in the hugs I receive on my way to class...

How much love surrounds you?

Losing Patience

Do you remember your childhood?
Nothing was impossible.

I remember finger painting, using chalk, drawing with nothing but a pencil and a pink eraser.
Art is not so easy anymore.
I remember middle school, using that chalk to draw a surreal landscape, and later drawing an avocado that I am proud of to this day.
What happened?
I pick up a pencil, and all I can see are the flaws within the piece I just created.
I get frustrated because of the inadequacy that I feel my ideas for new pieces are.

Somewhere progressing through life, we begin to lose confidence, begin to lose patience.
Not so suddenly, but as we go through, things become difficult, maybe even impossible.

I want to reclaim that sense of childhood when everything was possible and everything was a new adventure to try; something new. Fear was shot out the window. I want to go back to that.
I will be trying new medium of art, as well as try to play a little guitar.
I'm hoping that little girl is still within, daring me to defy fear.

Too Much to Ask?

As I've gone on this journey of looking at my own brokenness and wrestling with God as to why it is that he is bringing it up now I have come to one very obvious conclusion.

I'm needy.

And although that five letter word has a horrible connotation I am okay with that. I am okay with being needy, at least I have come to recognize that attention and love are things that I need to look for in my relationships and understand that they are things that I need to control as well.

My neediness is something that keeps me in check, as it reminds me that I am not the only person that needs both love and attention, but that I am also called to give what I seek as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this need and that I am called to be the answer to that prayer; the prayer that is also my own.

However, there is an ugly side that manifests itself. The side of me that is insecure and wishes that I could have things my way. In talking to friends I realize that the effort I put in relationships is not reciprocated; friends with whom I used to call and try to write letters often to decide to put their time and energy in others. My pride is shot, when did they get so close is a question that lingers... instead of just being happy for them.

My insecurity and resentment clouds my own happiness with the friends that I already have and the family that has been brought forward because of these friendships. Why am I looking so far away when I have it so good here?! I don't know.

Mission: Focus on the beauty and happiness that is around me. I like what school I go to, my friends, my family. Life can't get much better than this, I just have to make a point to notice it each and every day.

I choose to, starting today. I choose to be free of insecurity by not being invested in my the people I want and focus on the blessing that those around me truly are.

"You, my brothers and sisters, are called to be free."
-Galatians 5:13

Remember

Looking through my blog, I found this entry as a draft from October 2008.

Today, at Bruin Cafe.
Running into someone from my past lead to a whole other plethora of emotions and memories to get brought up.
Things I don't like to think about became present, and I hated every minute of it.

I remember this interaction, the rejection became very real that day. Many situations that I had wished to erase from my memory came flooding back: family brokenness, the attempt to fit in completely and utterly and the recognition that I had failed. I had wanted to be at home in middle school, trying to find any way that I could belong.
Now, I am happy to say that I live for something bigger than myself; something I love completely and utterly, Someone that will never leave me or reject me. I'm already home.

Friday's Rain II

So it's another Friday when it rained.
I think I've mentioned before that I like the rain, it's good.
However, today's was especially special.
It was pouring down rain, pouring like I hadn't seen in a long time.
However, as the rain began to cease, the sun began to shine.
Shine as if it was just waiting to be there, not paying attention to the rain at all.
It was amazing.

My shoes and socks were wet, but I could still see the beauty in the rarity of this combination of rain and sun.

I could not help but see God in this (I see Him often in the simplest of places).
I could not help but wonder how it is that He takes such good care of us, despite the fact that we do not stop to notice Him each and every day.
He gave us the sun within the rain, and the beautiful clear sky that followed.

This song comes to mind:
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me...