Shoreline

The beach has always been my refuge with sand that greets my feet with warmth, with water that is incredibly blue, and with gusts of wind that I can lose myself while I'm thinking, and while my feet walk parallel to the waves crashing onto the shore.
I love the beach, it's been where I go on days when I feel like singing so no one will hear, where I went when I got some soul stirring news...where I go to spend some time with my Papa.
It's where I rest.

It's appropriate that the church I find myself in is called, Shoreline. And just like my thoughts on the beach, Shoreline has become a haven. A haven in the middle of Westwood, amidst all the young college students who are figuring out life. I've found a haven.
Yes, it's completely and utterly different than what I pictured my church would look like after InterVarsity. It's not as diverse as I pictured, not as showy in it's love... but it's become the place where I rest.
Interesting, isn't it?
It's become the place where I anchor myself and ready myself for the week. It's where new, deep and real friendships have emerged from and where I grow with every new Sunday, every new teaching.
It's where I sing so that no one will hear, but that everyone might. It's where I am shyly learning to speak my voice and change the church with my gifting and insight.
I come here to spend time with my Papa, but also with my brothers and sisters.

:)

Burnt Tortillas

I made tacos for lunch today. :)
If you know me at all, you know that tacos take the cake when it comes to any food. They're delicious, and simple to make.

It was nice to have a quiet apartment, be able to wake up late, lay in bed for a while and hear the sounds of the day. It was even better to walk into the kitchen and begin making lunch. Begin heating meat, cutting chiles to make my Mama's salsa borracha (translates to "drunk salsa").
I added onions, tomatoes, cut up some chiles, accidentally rubbed my eye and then cried a little bit, and finally added lemon and salt. It was pretty yummy.
After making sure everything was ready, I heated tortillas. This is probably my favorite part. I love watching the texture of tortillas change, them bubble as they heat up, and begin to brown a bit as they begin to cook.
Yes, sometimes I burn tortillas.
And yes, sometimes it's on purpose.

Burnt, crispy tortillas remind me of my Grandpa.
It takes me back to a time before sixth grade when he passed away, a time when we'd have barbecues what felt like once a month, and I'd help him stoke the grill.
He taught me that to have flames come up from the charcoal, you had to fan it and add a little bit of lighter fluid (don't worry, I wasn't allowed to help with that).
So as I watched mi abuelito, I would ask if I could have a turn fanning the fire with his Stetson as I had watched him week after week.
I remember that smile as he'd admit that he was tired and watch me fan the flames.

The fire would eventually be where it needed to be, weenies, onions, chicken, beef... they got cooked on the grill. Frijoles, corn, and some tortillas would come from inside. Don't forget the salsa! :)

However, my very favorite part of our barbecues was the very end. When everybody would exclaim that they were full, and begin clearing the table. We'd put stuff away, put what needed to go in the fridge where it needed to, our madrina (godmother) would pack us food to take home (the famous "To-Go Plate")... and while all that was happening, somebody would be heating tortillas.
Heating tortillas because even though we were all super full, we couldn't let the last of the fire go to waste. We'd heat tortillas and pass them around, making everyone eat at least one. And more often than not, the tortillas were on the crispy side; burnt a little, just the way I like 'em.

'Cause I need more stuff?

During this season of looking for a job, applying for a job, interviewing for a job, and ultimately getting and starting a job, I've had to borrow a lot of money from folks.
I've also been convicted of how I spend my money.

I don't spend money on expensive shoes or dresses, but I am really irresponsible with money.
I eat out more than I should, I get excited having money, so I just spend it.
'Cause I can.

We never had much while I was growing up. We always wore hand-me-downs, shopped at thift stores, didn't go to the movies...so I guess I see having money as my own way to fulfill what I wanted as a kid. Getting everything I have my eye on, or just buying it 'cause there's money in my bank account.
'Cause I can.

However difficult this season has been, it has allowed me to observe and analyze my priorities.
The question was and still is, What will I do when I finally get paid?
Will my spending habits be the same?

Borrowing money from friends and family has caused me to begin to internalize the Truth,
this is not my money.
This is God's money that he has given me so that I might use it wisely to bless those around me.
Paying my rent on time so that I serve my roommate who fronts it every month,
paying utilities so that we can all take hot showers and host those we have over when they need to crash for a night,
having extra money in case someone (like me the past 4 months) can borrow if they need
...
you get the idea.

So, ask me about money. Ask me what I'm doing to discipline myself. I'll probably get uncomfortable, but remind me that the past 4.5 years have been unsuccessful in being responsible with the monetary resources I've been given.

'Cause, no, I don't need more stuff.

One Word

A friend, Alece, asked me to consider having one word for 2011.
One word to focus in my year, one word that would allow me to see more of Jesus and what he has for me.

It came abruptly, but confidently.
Follow.

Follow because I tend to think my actions only affect me.
I tend to make decisions on my own and then have to do a lot of apologizing for the same reason.
I get hurt because I do not listen for what He has for me, where He wants me to go.

Follow because there will be a lot of big decisions that I'll need to make this year.
Decisions affecting my future, community, relationships.

Follow because that implies actually following Jesus. Going where he goes, listening for his direction, leaning into him when I'm tired, letting him hold me when I feel scared or lost, and being disciplined in doing these faithfully.

I will follow.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

 This was penned last night as the quiet of Christmas Day surrounded me.

I got to share with my Mama yesterday how a study on the gospel of Mark (a biography of Jesus) changed my life. And, in a way, saved it.
I shared how wonderful it was to finally look at the Word like a school text. Changing the way I saw it, being able to ask my questions and answering a lot of them. Having a spiritual mentor say that my questions mattered. That it was important for me to see Jesus in a new way.
I learned that an open heart is important in knowing Jesus, but so is the mind; an understanding of who He is to the best of my ability.
I learned, along with 25 of great friends, how intentional Jesus was. How there was intention to every single thing he did. Every word he spoke, every bodily placement, his life is one of service, purpose. Intentionality.
And as Christmas Day ends, I am overwhelmed at how even the circumstances of Jesus' birth were intentional. Let no situation be wasted to declare God's glory, it seems.

Jesus was born to a virgin, immaculate conception. It is highly likely that her entire town eventually got wind of this and judged her as a harlot; deeming Joseph as a fool for not charging her with adultery.
Jesus' birth was foretold hundreds of years before his actual birth. An incredible feat in itself. Details like where he was born, under what conditions and the supernatural things that would be seen described and confirmed with Jesus' birth.
Jesus was born in a manger, and was dressed in swaddling cloths. He was brought into the world surrounded by barn animals, hay probably sticking to his small frame, the smells less than pleasant.

Why?
That's been my question today. Why, Jesus?
His quiet response has been, My love is as deep as my intentionality.

A friend shared with me that Jesus spoke to her that he loves her so much, that he created a new friend to be exactly what she needs. She's been blown away by the intentionality for Jesus to create someone for her.
Similarly, I revel in how intentional God was to have Jesus come down as a man. Yes, I'm amazed that Jesus came down from perfect glory... but the intention of such an act astounds me. It brings me joy to think that I have such an intimate, deep and real relationship with God because Jesus came down. Because the gap between humanity and God was bridged forever through Jesus who was born that night in Bethlehem.

In a way, my Father was born that day. Yes, God is outside of time and space and cannot have a birth-date, but if it weren't for Jesus, I wouldn't know God the way I do.
So I don't just say "Happy Birthday, Jesus" but as I celebrate, I say,
Happy Birthday, Papa.

My Christmas List

No, I'm not telling you what I want for Christmas or my birthday (it's fast approaching!). Well, I will if you ask me, but not in this post. :)

I'm still working on my 100 Joys project, alongside Sarah Markley, but I am way behind. I haven't kept up with writing down all my joys into this blog and posting. This'll be the long list.

•  Birthday Celebrations: anytime someone is being celebrated, my heart does a little leap. Everyone should be celebrated, and if it's with your very best friends you consider part of your family, even better [15]. I got to celebrate my very good friend, Melissa's birthday with her and it was indeed a celebration of who she is. :)
• Hearing Melissa's voice after not hearing it for three months. All it took was a "hello" [16]. But I guess that happens when you really miss someone you love and get to see them again.
• Melissa and I refer to each other as our twin. It turns out we're incredibly similar. It was confirmed when I showed up to see her wearing a sweater with purple and gray stripes, and I was wearing a sweater with green and lighter green stripes. It still makes me laugh that we're that similar [17].
• New variations of old favorites [18]. Melissa's friend Natalie asked if I'd ever had tacos (our dinner during Melissa's birthday bash) with ranch..."umm, no." It turns out it's delicious! I was pleasantly surprised.
• Seeing old friends and making new ones in the same night [19]. Meeting Melissa's friends and making plans to hang out again...happy.
  
• Conversations about nothing, yet about everything, that last until 1 am [20]. Hanging out with friends you've just met alongside old ones and just talking...until you realize you have to get up somewhat early, should be responsible and sleep.
• Raindrops that fall on the awning of my apartment window and sound like tiny tap dancers figuring out choreography [21].
• Watching the rain fall into the pool at our apartment complex, making the water dance as it lands [22]. It's been raining a lot in California this week.
• Advent reading [23]. I've never done advent, or really celebrated Christmas. Being able to actually reflect and sing and share in the joy of Jesus' birth has been a wonderful addition to the holiday season this year.
• Singing Christmas carols [24]. Something happens in my heart when a group of followers of Jesus get together and sing Christmas carols. Something happens in my heart; the knowledge of knowing all around the world people are singing this song, that I am blessed enough to know Jesus, that I don't have to wait for him to be born...he's already here. I get overwhelmed.
• Learning to play guitar [25]. Finally. I mentioned it two years ago to one of my best friends, "I want to learn to play guitar." A church friend finally came over and taught me a few chords and I've been practicing. Gotta start somewhere. :)
• Friends who are generous enough to host [26]. My friend, Amy, invited my best friend to dinner and thought of me. It turns out she was making steak, and a couple of amazing sides. Best dinner ever. And seriously, the best steak I've ever had.
• Time and space [27]. I spent a couple days being a hermit. I just didn't really want to interact with folks, I needed alone time. That time was really valuable for me to just sit, process, strum my guitar and be with Jesus. 
• Adventures leading to other adventures [28]. On a whim, a group of us decided we wanted to see Tron and so decided to drive over and buy our tickets. We were notified, that only the first two rows on the far right were left... Instead, we decided to head over to 7-11, pick up some goodies, along with Date Night from Redbox and watch that. Great night.
• Adventures leading to epic videos [29]. A friend's plans were cancelled, we called a mutual friend and eventually, it led up to this:  

  

• Reading Alece's reflections on a season that has been rough [30]. I am so proud of her, I could just hug her!
• Knowing that Lindsey, Sarah, and Alece have real and deep friendships with each other [31]. These three ladies are my favorite bloggers. Check them out.
• Realizing that Jesus has been more than faithful in what he's promised [32]. He's provided growth in terms of identity, employment (I start tomorrow!), and freedom.

[14].

I decided to start over. I was originally going to write a poem, something that would sound hokey and possibly make you chuckle, but I realized that's not really me.

Well, not always, so I'll stick to what I know.

We've seen a lot of life together.

We have cried, laughed until our sides have hurt and have held each other's hands as we've learned to see God in situations that simply do not make sense.

You've extended grace and mercy to me time and time again; often, by you choosing to come into my world and remind me that this too shall pass.

You're one of the greatest friends I never asked for, and one of my most treasured gifts.

I love you more than I could say, and honestly, I don't really know why I'm trying.

Thank you for loving me the way I need to be loved, for being so intentional that I don't even have to ask

 ...

you're already doing something to fix whatever jam I find myself in.

Thanks for being the person I was always too afraid to ask for,

one who understands me, knowing that exclaiming that I need a cookie actually meant emotional turmoil, reading my facial expressions (you know, that day when I wanted to "punch the world"), 

loaning me your Dad 'cause mine's out of commission,

for making me smile, challenging the things I think I can't do...

that's why you're my twin, my sister

forever.

Happy birthday, Monte.