Dancing thoughts swirling around.

I often find myself with dancers,
movement
or the sensation of dancing
floating in my head.

I'll be walking back to my room,
or off to class
and I'll think of a dance move to do.

Most of the time
it doesn't matter.
I can't do most of it anyway.

At the same time,
I wonder when I will.
If that thing that my heart and my head desire are
achievable.

If it is a desire,
it should be attainable.
Right?

So the question is:
am I willing to risk looking like a fool,
working from square one
in order to achieve it?

Do I believe it's worth it?

Time to get my butt back in dance class.

You are home.

There's something about coming back to UCLA.
A freedom, a release.
Something.
I feel free.

Maybe it is because here I have a room.
Sure a room I share with a friend,
but still my own.

Sometimes it is an escape
a way for me to dissipate
all the fears, drama and tears
that I feel often when the car appears.

The dread I feel at going home
not knowing what the reception will be
or who will be home.

But when we make our way back
back to school
I feel like I can breathe

I feel like home is here.

Maybe it's because my second family is here
or because I don't have to worry about
sharing about what Jesus is doing
in me and through me
without making family uncomfortable
or cutting me off.

Or maybe it's because I have space here
space to process, take risks, enjoy both
the sunshine and the rain

Staying up late to either watch the first glimpses of sun
or just take time to write
when it seems like everyone is asleep.

This feels like home
'cause i see You here
I see You in the faces of my family,
in the faces of those who seek You.

I see You in the ways you have manifested
Yourself in me.
the change that you created,
the inspiration you've breathed in.
in the confidence I possess
as I type these words.

As difficult as it is to see You
in my geographical home,
that is my prayer, that I'd see You.

That I'd see You in all your splendor,
even in a space that has become
a place of chaos.

I pray that I would choose
what it means to see You
in that place as I do here.

i'm working on being transparent

to little progress.

but progress nonetheless.

<3

Random Things

['cause I feel like writing]

1. I go through cycles of music, usually one artist (it's currently Jon Foreman) at a time until I move on.
2. My favorite foods are tacos, sandwiches, and pozole.
3. I really like school supplies: pencils, pens, stationary.
4. I read. A lot.
   
5. I'm usually thirsty.
6. I don't like checking my voicemail. Don't leave me one.
7. Friends make any situation better.
8. I want to be an artist, but am too much of a coward to actually try.
9. I consider myself a writer, but need to do more of it.
10. Dance- i love it.
11. I know most of the lines to Friends.
12. I listen and watch more Oldies pop culture than I do current.
13. I have a love-hate relationship with Oprah. It's one-sided too.
14. I want a donkey as a pet, although I don't know where I'd keep it.
15. I want to run away to Mexico and just live there for a while (this may be tied into the donkey dream).
16. After careful introspection, I am fully confused as to what I want to do with my life.
17. I love Jesus.
18. I am learning what it means to be healed emotionally and spiritually.
19. I consider my friends the family I never had, and UCLA the best time of my life.
20. I don't like celery.
21. I don't like raisins.
22. Ironically, I like celery with peanut butter and raisins. Who would have known?
23. The hardest thing for me to endure is family/friends moving away.
24. The only places I've been to outside California are Tijuana, Mexico and Washington DC.
25. I'm on facebook way more than I should, but isn't everybody?
    

My Gratitude Snorkel

A Gratitude Snorkel is a way that my friend Alia had me remember things I am thankful for.
It's just a list of things you're grateful for on the day you do it.

Here's mine for today:

1. A bed where I can sleep for the night, and wake up not wanting to get out of it.
2. My roommate Eloise for making me laugh.
3. Notes from friends affirming me on random days.
4. Chances to hang out with friends for no particular reason.
5. Carl's Jr. french fries-they make me happy. :)
6. People with contagious smiles
   
7. Excited people flyering on BruinWalk (passion is passion)
8. Thoughts of Thanksgiving and the surprises it'll bring
9. Christmas music all around
10. The Ackerman bookstore, being able to sit in a corner and just read
11. Ice cream in my freezer [vanilla bean and mint & chip]
    
12. Dancing the night away with friends
13. Books that you can read time and time again
14. Jon Foreman/Switchfoot music
15. Texts from friends on Thanksgiving
16. New beginnings (in all forms)
17. Sunrise, that reminds me that each new day is a beginning
    
18. catching up with friends while running errands
    
19. sending mail to people far away and getting a response
    
20. laughing 'cause i remembered something random
21. finding the perfect Christmas present for my sister :)
22. advent, that gets me that much more ready for Christmas
23. going to the party supply district and eating a quesadilla
24. plans for winter break
25. RLCCs who are just as quirky as I am

Adam Had to be Bored

This morning, as I stood watching the sunrise in the stairway of Hedrick 6 North, my mind wandered back to Genesis, to Adam. I've found that my mind will do that, drift in wondering what it was like when God and Adam were on earth in Eden.

I stood waiting for the sun to make it's grand appearance. As I waited, I began to notice a lot of things, like how the sky transitions from a deep blue to a burnt orange, and that fades as the sun begins its journey in the morning sky. I found myself seeing things I had never noticed, marveling at the sun and the sky, as well as the birds that fly through the air and sing a song to accompany morning.

As I observed these things, I found myself wishing that someone were standing next to me. It being 6 am, I refrained from waking anyone up.

However, the wish for company made me think, "Adam had to be bored." Now don't get me wrong, God's creation is amazing, and in Eden I'm sure that Adam had the best view of everything and anything; but as I was standing in the stairway, waiting for the sun, time slowed down considerably. Conversation would have sped it up, and we would have probably talked about the things we had never noticed about morning before.

What I am getting at is that I think that Eve played a crucial role in Adam not only seeing the glory of God's creation, but being able to share it with someone who would marvel at it with him. Adam longed to have someone share the wonder of Eden, someone to whom he could express the awe that was (and is) the sun, trees, animals. I wonder if Adam needed a partner in order to fully enjoy God's creation.

And I wonder if this is the reason God declared that it was "not good" for Adam to be alone; I wonder if Eve was a way for Adam to engage with God not merely as a friend, but as the Creator. To engage with God and His wonders. There was a part of Adam that needed Eve, not only to have a relationship with her, but to deepen his relationship with God and His creation.

So many thoughts (and questions)... more on this in a later entry.

i knew...

it was the perfect time to tell you.

you were there, i was there.
we were sharing deeper than we have the past few weeks.

i knew God was prompting me: slightly nervous, speeding heart rate...
i should have told you.

i chickened out.

i'm afraid of your reaction. what you'll say. what you'll do.

more than that, i think i'm scared that it might cause a dent in my already fragile heart.

i need to tell you.
soon.
very soon.