this past week i cried a bit. alright, i cried a lot.
it was painful to feel my brokenness at every turn and let Jesus into that.
my friendships were challenging this past week, sometimes filled with joy- but i was very aware of the brokenness in myself holding back.
broken.
catalyst was a challenge, i wanted to isolate myself.
i wanted to not really be there.
but this is family... the people that love you. let them love you.
i did.
doug called us to bless each other... the difficulty of approaching my male friends and pledging friendship and trust was difficult but worth it.
i felt relieved.
so why am i back to that feeling of numbing/apathetic/disconnected?
[frustrating]
i want to cry in order to feel some sort of release
but i really don't know what this is....
grief? loss? lack of peace?
i really don't know.
i randomly get quiet, which is usually an indicator that something's wrong.
today, i just wanted to listen and hear what You wanted to say.
[silence]
What's up, God?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Men in My Life
They're pretty amazing.
It took me a long time to actually embrace that sentiment.
I remember when it happened though.
I remember when I went from skittish to curious, my curiosity causing me to get closer to the men.
I could name them all; the ones that have loved me unashamedly.
The men that have become my brothers, brothers deeper than blood.
They're in my heart.
Catalyst was another revelation.
Yes, I love them. Like brothers.
Yet this trust thing is still really difficult.
I had to verbally tell two of them that I pledge friendship and full trust in them.
Friendship-with all the messiness and implications. Confrontation, reconciliation, truth in how this is difficult for me.
Trust- continuing to be honest. Especially when I don't want to be.
Their response?
HUG. Huge hug.
I'm not going to lie, though the hugs were great; the blaring thought in my head was:
this is not going to be easy.
The beautiful part:
I'm actually willing to take a risk and trust these men.
And for that alone, I praise the Lord.
It took me a long time to actually embrace that sentiment.
I remember when it happened though.
I remember when I went from skittish to curious, my curiosity causing me to get closer to the men.
I could name them all; the ones that have loved me unashamedly.
The men that have become my brothers, brothers deeper than blood.
They're in my heart.
Catalyst was another revelation.
Yes, I love them. Like brothers.
Yet this trust thing is still really difficult.
I had to verbally tell two of them that I pledge friendship and full trust in them.
Friendship-with all the messiness and implications. Confrontation, reconciliation, truth in how this is difficult for me.
Trust- continuing to be honest. Especially when I don't want to be.
Their response?
HUG. Huge hug.
I'm not going to lie, though the hugs were great; the blaring thought in my head was:
this is not going to be easy.
The beautiful part:
I'm actually willing to take a risk and trust these men.
And for that alone, I praise the Lord.
Helen Song
I miss her.
Bunches.
I want to talk with her, you know, in person.
Sit with her at Rendezvous like we would and share (actually not) Mexican dishes.
Watch her eat the tortilla chips and enjoy it thoroughly.
I miss her laugh with a snort at the end if it was something really funny.
And my giggle just because I would be thinking she was adorable.
I miss walking with her randomly and make a crack about how I wanted to hold her hand.
And then I would.
'Cause she'd let me. :)
I miss her most when I listen to Oren Lavie.
I think of her in DC, walking down the street enjoying life and realizing who she's meant to be.
Or walking down that path to discovery.
I miss her because she's Helen.
Helen Song.
i really hope this didn't embarrass you too much, Helen. <3
Bunches.
I want to talk with her, you know, in person.
Sit with her at Rendezvous like we would and share (actually not) Mexican dishes.
Watch her eat the tortilla chips and enjoy it thoroughly.
I miss her laugh with a snort at the end if it was something really funny.
And my giggle just because I would be thinking she was adorable.
I miss walking with her randomly and make a crack about how I wanted to hold her hand.
And then I would.
'Cause she'd let me. :)
I miss her most when I listen to Oren Lavie.
I think of her in DC, walking down the street enjoying life and realizing who she's meant to be.
Or walking down that path to discovery.
I miss her because she's Helen.
Helen Song.
i really hope this didn't embarrass you too much, Helen. <3
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Coming Home - John Legend
This song always strikes a chord with me.
Always.
A father waits upon a son
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me
I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say
Won't you wait for me?
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
We fight to stay alive
But somebody's got to die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming?
You know that I'll be coming home
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
Always.
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me
I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say
Won't you wait for me?
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
We fight to stay alive
But somebody's got to die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming?
You know that I'll be coming home
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
What IS in a Word?
an article by jon foreman.
What's in a Word?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-foreman/whats-in-a-word_b_423969.html
:)
What's in a Word?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-foreman/whats-in-a-word_b_423969.html
:)
november 2, 2009
the gift of tongues.
i always wanted it.
i remember growing up and seeing everyone interact with jesus in that way, a way that only they could a way that only they could utter, even though they might not have known what they were uttering.
i received a bit of that last night
i do not know if it's a gift of a time
or if it's a gift that will continue to come when it is deemed to me again
but nonetheless i am so grateful
grateful that i could finally interact with you this way and that you are able to do anything you wish with me
and yet your choice is to lavish me with a gift.
thank you.
i always wanted it.
i remember growing up and seeing everyone interact with jesus in that way, a way that only they could a way that only they could utter, even though they might not have known what they were uttering.
i received a bit of that last night
i do not know if it's a gift of a time
or if it's a gift that will continue to come when it is deemed to me again
but nonetheless i am so grateful
grateful that i could finally interact with you this way and that you are able to do anything you wish with me
and yet your choice is to lavish me with a gift.
thank you.
The places I've been
The more I look forward to the places I'm going, the more I miss the places I've been.
In looking towards interning with InterVarsity, I thought back on Fresno. I thought back to what it was like to live in community and to solely live to learn more about Jesus and love my neighbors. I miss that.
Knowing what each day was meant for, to share the love of Jesus with those children, with their parents. To live with 32 other students learning how to do the same, and all being understanding in the days that were difficult and sharing with each other the days that were joyful. So much joy.
I remembered my second year here at UCLA. I was so driven in seeing God's heart and love on campus; often making difficult decisions to see that.
Here, I get caught up in what needs to get done; often forgetting why I am doing things...who these events, visits and acts of service are for. Or who I claim to follow as I do it.
What if my testimony were as pure as when I was in mission in my everyday life?
I guess this is where I have to admit I'm not the perfect disciple. I do not understand all of what Jesus is doing in my life or the life of my friends. I'd like to say my lack of understanding affects my laziness in reaching out or my forgetful nature as I am driven to get the next thing done.
I strive to live my life in mission, not solely the days or weeks that I am sent out to a location and isolate that from the rest of my life.
May the Lord and community help me.
--
"You miss someone you've never met."
-Joshua Harris
In looking towards interning with InterVarsity, I thought back on Fresno. I thought back to what it was like to live in community and to solely live to learn more about Jesus and love my neighbors. I miss that.
Knowing what each day was meant for, to share the love of Jesus with those children, with their parents. To live with 32 other students learning how to do the same, and all being understanding in the days that were difficult and sharing with each other the days that were joyful. So much joy.
I remembered my second year here at UCLA. I was so driven in seeing God's heart and love on campus; often making difficult decisions to see that.
Here, I get caught up in what needs to get done; often forgetting why I am doing things...who these events, visits and acts of service are for. Or who I claim to follow as I do it.
What if my testimony were as pure as when I was in mission in my everyday life?
I guess this is where I have to admit I'm not the perfect disciple. I do not understand all of what Jesus is doing in my life or the life of my friends. I'd like to say my lack of understanding affects my laziness in reaching out or my forgetful nature as I am driven to get the next thing done.
I strive to live my life in mission, not solely the days or weeks that I am sent out to a location and isolate that from the rest of my life.
May the Lord and community help me.
--
"You miss someone you've never met."
-Joshua Harris
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