i need to get out of here.

i'm sitting at work, helping people print do their login stuff...
it's all good.

except it isn't.
the reality of not prioritizing time with jesus, being sick
and not wanting to let anyone in on whatever this lingering feeling has been.
actually, i know what it is.
loneliness.

and i'm letting myself sit in it.

jesus, i want to finally be real with you.
let you into the dark places of pain, frustration and confusion.
there seems to be a storm brewing and i haven't taken time to actually hear your contingency plan.

i'm making time, getting off this campus to actually hear what you want to say.

loved ones.

there are a few people that hold large parts of my heart.
they are the people i live for, people i often think of...
people that enhance my life.

the past 3 weeks, i've been focusing on the missing aspect of our friendships.
i miss a bunch of you, and i can't visit you because
you're on the other side of the country,
you're starting an internship,
you live on the other side of the planet,
you're busier than i am,
we haven't talked in a while.

getting to see my friends at birthday parties,
while visiting other campuses,
or randomly running into them,
it just makes me miss them that much more the next few days after the fact.

call it withdrawal.

yet it's amazing that i love them that much.
i ACTUALLY get mad at life sometimes because i miss them that much.

i seriously can't wait until we're all in the same place and get to laugh together.

make a decision, already!

in trying to decide between Pomona-Pitzer and Irvine, I've run into one very accurate conclusion.
I'm indecisive.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not toying around with this decision like it's a light one. It's not.
It's just that the larger the decision seems to be, I wish it were out of my hands.
The reality is, I don't want to mess stuff up. I don't want to think that in two years I'll regret my decision.

S.Hop said that God calls us to the place where our abilities and desires meet. I'd end up at a place I'm excited to go, to lead. That was reassuring. I would love to go to a campus where I'm excited, whether it be for one thing (like leading Latino students) or the other (feeling like home when I stepped on).

The thing is, I didn't feel a crazy pull toward either one. I didn't feel like Irvine was home, like Pomona was home.
Probably because it's not. It's not UCLA.

However, there's something pretty amazing in that. There's a huge promise as I walk into this next season of life. A promise of growth, adventure, and a constant God who is always with me.

Sure this decision freaks me out, it's a huge decision to make single handedly...
but at the end of the day, a journey is a journey.
The road just looks differently than I thought.

sleep?

i feel like i'm avoiding sleep.

i'm not sure why, or if that's even the case.

perhaps i enjoy the peace and quiet of ucla at this time?

oy.
nevermind, i'm going to hit the sack.

delight.

i remember sitting on the plane coming back from urbana, sitting next to a family of four: mom, dad, brother and daughter.
i felt especially curious about the smallest one, a little girl who was wearing pink pants, pink sneakers, curly hair wearing headphones on her head. she was singing as the plane made itself down the jetway, and ultimately took off. she was having a blast.
i was watching her, asking her dad to change the music, requesting songs...actually it was just one song, on repeat.

i remember watching her and being fascinated. she was just so cute.
her hair, face, and tiny hands and feet were an absolute delight to see.
so beautiful.
i almost giggled out loud as she continued to sing, as she just did what she knew what to do.

a small question floated through the din of the airplane turbulation,
do You delight in me as much as I delight in her?

i didn't hear a response, i just got a feeling of affirmation.
as if You were saying,
of course, but you knew that already.

i smiled.
Lord, I still don't understand how you can find me that
cute,
endearing,
cherished...
i don't get it.

but as i continued to look at her and laugh in joy at who she was and how she slightly danced in her seat and sang unabashedly, i couldn't help but disagree.

beautiful.

three people used the word "beautiful" when talking to me today.
"you're beautiful, sol."
"you look beautiful...but you do everyday."
(in prayer) "...would you show her that she is beautiful."

3 times.

that usually holds some significance when we're studying the Word.

i get the feeling You're trying to tell me something.
see, i've been struggling with my image.

am i too fat?
too average?
too plain?
too latina?
not latina enough?

so many questions...
yet tonight all i heard was the whisper,
you're beautiful.

i'll be honest, God, i can't quite internalize that.
i can't internalize that beauty that you profess i possess.
but i trust you and take you at Your word.

on certain days/nights...

i get this amazing kick to write.

i think this is one of them.

(here we go.)